Another Festivus Miracle!

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal fans, and members! I'd like to say first off, Merry Christmas! Christmas came one day early this year for yours truly - Casey Ryback. I have been somewhat secretive as to what I've managed to find and place on order. I have told a few of you just how excited I am at what I've found, and now that they've arrived, I can't hold it in any longer. Oh mama.


It looks as though the energy drink Gods looked upon my misfortune regarding the Fixx and the Monster BFC, and saw I was sad. They then did smile, and granted me the gift of Lightning Bolt - in both flavors! The much heralded Cherry Charge, and the untested Asian Experience.

We had all but lost hope that this stuff was even still produced. It turns out that it is still available, though it is rather pricey after shipping. Will this re-ignite our interest in having a Seagal Energy Drink sponsorship? We'll see.

I got 2 packs of 6 (one of each flavor) which should be enough for all the Team Seagal soldiers who are doing Team Seagal missionary work to have one. Merry Christmas to all those who are badasses, and to all those who are badasses a good night!

-C. Ryback


Energy Drinks - of DOOM

With all this horrifically shitty weather, we've needed to find other ways amuse ourselves since we're not riding quite as much as we'd like. There are plenty of ways that a bunch of single dudes can amuse themselves, though I'm only going to tell you about one way in particular. The ordering and purchasing of strange new energy drinks.


Myself, Marshall Lawson, and The Good Doctor were intrigued by what was said on www.energyfiend.com regarding the caffeine content in this stuff called "Fixx." They reported that a 20oz bottle had 500mg of caffeine. That's basically enough to make the abominable snowman jittery. It comes with one of those full-bottle wrappers, which doesn't let you see the product - turns out that this should have been the first sign. The last sign was the scent (odor) that escaped like the demons out of the Arc of the Covenant. It was quite odoriferous.

I can not recall anything in recent memory that was so thoroughly bad, right off the bat. The aftertaste lingered around much like the last poo-nugget that doesn't quite get flushed the first time when you're visiting friends and using their guest bathroom. All you want is for the tank to fill up quickly so you can get rid of this thing as soon as possible. Some have described the taste as being similar to what the girls of 2girls1cup.com were tasting. But with vitamins.

Needless to say, only 2 of the 3 of us were able to actually finish a full bottle. Marshall pounded his down in less than 20 minutes. Dr. Wesley McLaren had his finished by the end of the day, however Casey Ryback decided to choose life over death and gave up halfway through the bottle.

The Monster BFC

Every so often, humans engineering surpasses that which was previously though possible. Things such as the Knock Nevis tanker:

Or the world's largest earth digger:

Now, we have the Monster BFC:

Yes, that is 32oz, a full QUART, of Monster. It comes in two flavors: original, and "heavy metal." The original has over 100g of sugar, and something like 320mg of caffeine. The "heavy metal" flavor, (which isn't advertised on their website, with good reason) has just slightly less sugar, and presumably as much caffeine. But much more anger infused into it. If you look at a piddly can of Red Bull and say to yourself "I use more fluid than that just to wash down an aspirin," then you need to step up to the BFC. However, take it from me, Casey Ryback, that if you are going to do so, then DO NOT get the heavy metal flavor. It will destroy your soul. Rumor has it that Exxon uses cans of a similar size with which to ship their precious oil over from the middle east. A man named Bobby Leach used one of these BFC cans in which to go over Niagara Falls. He later died from injuries sustained from slipping on an orange peel in the street.

The moral of the story: don't believe internet hype about energy drinks, and don't step on an orange peel if it is in the street.


Winter Solstice Non-Race Cancelled

Just to make sure those of you not following the thread on stlbiking know, we've had to cancel the non-race for Saturday December 22 due to absolutely nasty trail conditions. Keep checking the blog as we'll have more events throughout the winter.


A Break from Rider Profiles...

...to ask the question "What did you do this Sunday?"

Rider Profile #4

Rider: Nico Toscani
Age: 27
Occupation: Hotelier to the Kings, & part time wrench at TC
Bikes: Purple Kona Unit 29, the same one as Mason Storm except no more squishy fork because I cut the shit out of it and then sold it to Lt. Col Austin Travis. I also have huge brake rotors and I run 34 x 22 gearing.
Favorite Race: Spanish Lake
Pre-race meal: Hardee's breakfast sandwiches and lots of hash-crowns
Post-race meal: Coffee Stout or any hoppy IPA and of course, DOS PRIMOS!
Training Tips: Copius amounts of Chinese Herbs help to get me in that wrist-snapping mood.


Rider Profile #3

Rider: Forrest Taft
Occupation: Student/ Grocery Stock Boi
Bikes:1982 Giant Perigee Single Speed/ 2006 Redline Monocog
Favorite Race: Never Raced
Pre-ride meal: Let one out
Post-ride meal: Chinese Herbs
Training tips: Beer, China Men Herbs, hungry pussy

Rider Profile #2

Rider: Casey Ryback
Age: 26
Height: 6'1"
Occupation: Bike Shop Store Manager.
Bike: "Hell-Hammer" - my Kona Kula 2-9 singlespeed (currently 32x20t)
Favorite Race: Burnin at the Bluff
Favorite Ride: 4+ hour epics in the Ozark region
Pre-race meal: Bagels, Cream of Wheat, bananas, and death metal
Post race meal: tuna mixed with mac and cheese, Stag
Training tips: Like Eddy "The Cannibal" Merckx sez, "Ride lots." And if I may add to that, ride lots but always enjoy it.


Team Seagal Rider Profile # 1

Rider: Mason Storm
Occupation:Fish Monger, and Part-time shop bum at TC.
Bikes:2007 Kona Unit 29 w/ Reba, Thomson, King, PAUL, and Salsa components. 32x19 or 32x20 gearing depending on the ride/race.
Favorite Race: Burnin at the Bluff
Favorite Ride: Night rides, and anytime we roll Chubb.
Pre-race meal: Kashi hot cereals are good, and lots of coffee.
Post race meal: Beer, stouts and ales.
Training tips: Ride a lot, have fun, and don't be GAYZ0RZ!

M. Storm


2007 Team Photo

Here they are Seagal fans. Your 2007 team roster.
Back Row L to R: Shop Minister, Jack Taggart, Casey Ryback, Dr. Wesely McClaren
Middle: Lt. Col. Austin Travis, Gino Fellino, Marshall Lawson
Front: Mason Storm, Nico Toscani
(Not in photo.. Forrest Taft)


Sightings at State CX Championships

Bet you're sick of seeing all those scantily-clad dudes each time you check this site, amirite?

In spite of many soldiers left behind and much fallen frozen rain, two Team Seagal representatives journeyed beyond the city limits in search of grueling race conditions, located within the Hermann, MO city limits. However, this time it was not for the purposes of participation, but rather, to support those looking to ride their CX bikes really fast in freezing temperatures, in the rain. For the State Championships, the 1's,2's and 3's were combined into one race since there were a grand total of approximately 7 racers. Our good buddy Dave Breslin took 3rd I believe, and was the only badass to NOT get lapped by the first and second place guys, both of whom had locomotive engines for legs. Nice work, Dave.

The hot, punishing action was not only on the race course, but apparently also in the Xmas light displays (this is hilarious - did anyone else notice?):

The government is denying that they are torturing terrorism suspects by forcing them to enter a cyclocross race and run up these stairs on each lap:

Some po' bastids' bike:

This really lifts the spirits as you come through the start/finish:

An interesting occurrence on the caution tape:

Stay tuned - video at eleven!

-C. Ryback



Attn: All Team Seagal members. We will be having our team photo Friday Dec 7th at the RH TC. Please meet there by 8pm, bring your jersey, $5, and some superior attitude. I will be sending off the 2008 sponsor packets that following Monday and will need the $5 from everyone to help pay for shipping, printing, photo paper, etc. See you then.
PS- take some notes from the included picture on what NOT to look like come friday!
M Storm


Non Race # 3

What: Team seagal NON race # 3
Where: Lost Valley
When: Saturday Dec 22 @ NOON
Why: If you still don't know.....Well why don't you just show up this time and find out for yourself.
What Else: Please bring at least one can good for entry fee. All can goods will then be donated to a local food pantry for the xmas holiday. Also be sure to bring your bike, your thirst for Nog?, and a device that would allow you to complete the TT course with an object....hint(a camelback should help you out). Stay tuned for more details once we get closer to the date.
M Storm.


Possibly Steven Seagal's all-time best movie line?

Can you BELIEVE this clip? It has to be distributed moar:

And you KNOW he isn't fucking around, either!


Charles Bronson on the Simpsons

Not sure how long this video will be up, so check it out quick!


Get Your Money Ready

Team Seagal members get your money ready...

This is the trial run of the T-shirt I made up. Through the end of the month there's free shipping on them and a discount if we order in quantity, so get your money together now. Remind people of the wrist-snapping potential of Team Seagal while walking down the street, not just on the trail. I figure I'll need to know all orders by Monday of next week 11/27 to make sure we get them in on time. I can get the money later. We can choose a couple of different shirt styles, so we need to figure that out too.

Non-Race #2 - A True "Class 9 Hot Mission"

In need of heavy cropping:

Talk about a great day of riding - we doubled our number of participants compared to the Chubb Time Trial, to make for 12 non-racers! Many a nose-wheelies were performed, and many a family with little kids on bikes were seen deep into the technical singletrack. Because of this, many laughs were had.

A good chunk of us started out at the "Mound", where we proceeded to pedal a penultimate path of pestilence and destruction towards Klondike, where we would mount an assault on the Hogsback switchbacks the likes of which have never been seen before. Once we reached Klondike, we were met by speed-specialist Tim Kakouris, and even a healthy contingent of GORC singlespeeders (actually, one was geared.) HUGE thanks to all who came out - we really do appreciate all the support and kind words!

The results are as follows:
1) 8:01m Tim Kakouris
2) 8:02m Matt Keevan
3) 8:04m Carey Edwards
4) 8:22m Nico Toscani *TIE*
4) 8:22m Shop Minister *TIE*
5) 8:35m Gino Felino
6) 8:38m Larry Koester
7) 8:39m Bryan Adams
8) 8:56m The Good Doctor Wesley McLaren
9) 9:18m Casey Ryback
10) 9:32m "Pimp"
11) 10:28m Jack Taggert

Great Job. Here are the starting pictures:

Each battle-hardened warrior fought valiantly up the treacherous switchbacks on their way to glory. There were many casualties, the most notable of which was weakness. It was nice to not encounter horses and their fecal matter. After summitting, we parted ways, with the Team Seagal Soldiers heading straight back down Hogsback in super record time.

Of course, when visiting Klondike, you can't just ride one trail twice. So we were erroneously enticed to embark erotically on an elite epic encompassing the extremely enjoyable trails that traverse topographically-technical terrain that was westward of where we were waiting.

After playing around on the teeter-totter, we held a little impromtu time trial on the super-fun 1/8 mile(?) Strip Mine loop. The course was one full loop of Strip Mine (without any carrying the bike) starting and finishing at the wooden pallet/sand pit. After two sets of laps, the best times are as follows:

1) 1:26 min Casey Ryback (no dabs)
2) 1:32 min Mason Storm
3) 1:37 min Gino Felino
4) 1:42 min Shop Minister
5) 1:47 min Nico Toscani
6) 2:08 min Dr. Wesley McLaren

The SMTT left us wanting more technical riding, and the best place to fill that desire is, of course, the Donkey Kong Loop, where we easily snapped the metaphorical wrist of the trail.

At this point, we'd been on the trail for many hours. It was time to start heading in the direction of our cars. But not before trying out a different route with which to get to the Matson Hill Trail. Instead of riding the Katy down to Matson Road and then suffering up the "wall," we turned left onto Terry Road, and took that up to Duke. This took us up a less-wall-like gravel road, and lots of rolling hills before turning right onto Duke. It was much more scenic, even if we did have to backtrack nearly as far as Klondike. Then we had several miles of rolling hills on pavement before reaching the Matson Hill Trail. This is probably a route best done with a cyclocross bike, rather than a fat-tire singlespeed mountain bike. Due to limited sunlight, we skipped Matson Hill Trail, and instead rocketed down Matson Hill Road where we took the Katy back to the Hamburg.

These trails are phenomenal trails, and when riding them, please take this sign into account:

The second Team Seagal Non-Race is now in the books as a successful and above-all FUN event that brought a riders together to... well, ride. #3 is already in the works, with a definite date set - Winter Solstice, Dec. 22, which is a Saturday. For the first time there will be an entry fee, in the form of food to be donated to charity. Specific formatting-details have yet to be finalized, but until they are, ask yourself one question: "Just how much do you like egg nog?"

We'll see you there.

-C. Ryback


Save this date!!!

The Single Speed World Championships are coming back to American soil for 2008(August 23-24). I don't know about you, but I will be there this year. NorCal is much closer than Scotland!!! We need to represent Team Seagal to the fullest. Check this website for details.http://www.sswc08.com/
M. Storm


Another Trifecta. Sweeeet....

Greetings, Loyal Team Seagal Fans. Today, Thursday, 4 Seagal Soldiers (Nico Toscani, Dr. Wesley McLaren, Shop Minister, and Yours Truly, Casey Ryback) pedaled their way onto the battlefield in hopes of entering into glorious battle. We are happy to announce that we all came out victorious. That's not to say there weren't a few close calls. Part of the trifecta today was to do some reconnaissance for the upcoming Time Trial , and to also make up for the fact that we won't be able to participate with the surprisingly-well-received and possibly-going-to-be-well-attended Aggro Trifecta. We all hope that the ride is well attended, because more people need to ride their damn bikes.

As I said, our glorious ride today was nearly cut short by a dramatic pile-up/over-the-bars incident involving Dr. Wesley McLaren and Shop Minister. Only a couple of minor cuts and one hard junk-racking. Good thing there was a Doctor present. It left the bikes like this:

We pressed on after completing about 1.25 laps and then headed straight for Matson Hill. We absolutely CRUSHED that hill, with very little out-of-the-saddle climbing. Considering the nature of that wall-like hill AND the fact that we're all on singlespeeds, that's pretty fucking good. It's nearly a given now, that the Matson Hill trail is better done counter-clockwise. We passed by the spot where Mr. Toscani has this unfortunate incident, too.

Making quick work of all trails that lay before us is part of our job description. With that being said, we set our sites squarely on Klondike Park, and the trails that lie within. Oh yeah, we also stopped by the Judgement Tree to pay our respects (or do whatever you do at the Judgement Tree.)

Heading up Hogsback is a daunting task, but the trail was hooking up really well, and the droves of riders that show up for the Time Trial on Sunday will be pleased to see a gobs of buff trail surfaces like this one:

We played around on the teeter-totter for a bit, and then continued down to clobber Donkey Kong instead of feed him tacos.

Shop Minister:

Descending Hogsback is much more fun than climbing it, so we had to descend. Double Switchbacks? In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, No Problemo.

Here, Nico shows off his aero-tuck technique, which looks a little strange if you ask me:

We pacelined the shit out of that ride back to the cars.

-C. Ryback

In case you were wondering, our recorded mileage for this ride was 38 miles. That is with a route as follows:
-starting at the mound, riding the Hamburg Trail down to the Lost Valley Connector.
-Lost Valley connector down to the Lost Valley loop, where we turned left down the powerline strip and did a full clockwise lap.
-Right turn back down the powerline strip, where we took the singletrack over to the Lost Valley parking lot.
-Crossed 94 onto the Katy, rode Katy down to Matson.
-Turned right up Matson Hill Road, and then proceeded to do one counter clockwise loop, then came back to the Katy.
-Right turn down to Klondike where we turned right onto the gravel extension (across from the Klondike boatramp) and came over to the bottom of Hogsback.
-Climbed Hogsback, then rode over to do the loops on the west side of the park once, and then again on the way back. (Doubling over our tracks.)
-Road back over to Hogsback where we climbed up the asphalt path, and did Hogsback as a descent.
-Jumped back onto the little gravel connector which took us over to the Katy.
-Took the Katy back to the Hamburg Trail, where we turned left and climbed up to the mound.