We Really Phelps'ed the Tall Oak Challenge

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! I know what you're thinking - "Man, those Seagal dudes are a bunch of jackasses." or "Man, those Seagal dudes sure don't like dudes." Or "Man, those Seagal dudes are the most hard, pipe-hittin' mother f***ers out there." Or "Man, those Seagal dudes are such 'bromosexuals.'" Or "Man, those Seagal dudes are both badasses, AND consistently chill when it comes to racing and having fun." As it turns out, our badassness (and saddle sores) just increased exponentially with the results from Saturday's Tall Oak Challenge.

The odds were stacked against us before we even left St. Louis. Lafayette Square was awash in both our own delicious Pabst, and brews from Square One. Long into the night we watch other skinny-tire-types ride their bike fast after dark while putting down the beverages, morning dehydration be damned. In addition to that, we were minus one soldier due to work obligations. I guess we all gots to makes the money, right? Thirdly, we didn't take any PCP, as I said we would. It's amazing what you can overcome when you have superior attitude and superior state of mind.

We arrived at Binder Lake greeted by sunny skies, low wind, perfectly manicured trails, and a healthy dose of Missouri heat; though the heat wasn't as bad as it was at Seamonkey Xanadu. It was hot enough to drip sweat onto the bike within about 20-30 minutes of the first lap. But at least I couldn't smell the previous night's libations in that sweat... It could have been hotter though, thanks to help from Christian who let us share some of his EZ-Up tent space, and Rich who lent one to us. Because racing without shade sucks.

Those of us present on the start line included Mason Storm (with Cockpuncher ready to take the hand-off on lap-2) in Duo Class, and Gino Felino, Lt. Col. Austin Travis, and myself, Casey Ryback all going Mario van Peebles style - Solo.

The Le Mans style start was a fairly short but effective one as many of us who were at the front of the pack were hurdling over bikes. Bam! And so the long, arduous journey within each of our selves began. Things seen/left on the course: pain, weakness, remnants of various t'aints, some poor bastard's blackburn mini-pump, and a big-ass, day-glo orange mushroom that is likely to engulf the entire Binder Lake trail system soon.

A phenomena pointed out by Nico (one which I will confirm) after Rapture in Misery is that of the hand and fingers, which are really fatigued from gripping the handlebars and brake levers during long events (6,12hr) such as these. As it turns out, the muscles that the hand uses to hold toilet paper and then wipe one's self are the exact same muscles that get fatigued during these events. Imagine going to wipe yourself, and then having your once-up-to-the-task hand simply collapse into your ass, unable to finish the job. It is quite distressing, and allows me to see the value in a bidet.

What a dork - are those Cannondale Chaingang socks?

He's not as fast as he looks... oh wait, yes he is. Fast Lap Winner:

Lt. Col. Austin Travis gets a hand-off, and about to go deal out some more snapped wrists:

Gino stops in:

Lt. Col. Austin Travis in... 1ST PLACE IN MEN' SOLO! (I think his mustache played a huge part in that victory.)

Pfood really, really enjoying his beer:

Best Facial Hair Competitors:

We don't have full official results just yet, but it won't be long. (Whoah, I just saw two tigers mating on PBS. Damn!)

Here at Seagal HQ, we are in full agreement that it was a fantastic race. Perfect trail conditions, thanks to meticulous trail stewardship by the local riders. And TONS of schwag from New Belgium, Red Wheel Bike Shop, Specialized, and Kuat Racks - So much schwag! A regular schwag-fest! Schwag-tastic! Seriously, the trail was in simply awesome shape, and the fun was at a peak. Oh yeah, tons of free food provided by some nice ladies working the food tent. Oh man, free food is the best food. It's kind of like beer in that regard. Unless the beer is Camo.
HUGE thanks to all involved. (Please do it again next year - the venue is too perfect to NOT do it!)

Steven would be proud.
-C. Ryback

And now a Special Bonus Feature makes a return - an interview with one of the Soldiers - Lt. Col. Austin Travis, coming off of his BIG win this weekend!

Team Seagal (TS): "So Lt. Col. Travis, Tell us, how do you feel after your big... Hey! What are you do... NOOO!" ~~~crack~~~

***Snaps neck***

Lt. Col. Austin Travis: "Hahaha!!! I make it rain!!"


The Greatest Band EVER - And I'm 100% Serious

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! In the past, we have exposed you to many great things, such as the finer points in energy drinks, wild tales of our racing exploits, Pabst Beer, and even brought you some good times in the form of our Non-Races. In this great tradition, and in our great tradition of loving badass 80's and 90's action stars, I now bring you a band that is sure to be ruling the entire world before long.

Austrian Death Machine, inspired by the great Arnold Schwarzenegger, and his many badass one-liners from most of his films! Prepare to have your ears bleed as you have multiple orgasms.

A few of my favorite videos:

The riff and corresponding video at 2:25 is especially good in this one:

1:33 in this song, the guitars and drums sync up super well with the machine gun fire:

Yes, they are legit, with an actual album, and they are now my religion. I am considering quitting my job in order to erect a golden shrine in honor of them, and then spend the rest of my life following them as a devout roadie.

Watch them all, and thank me later.

-C. Ryback


Tall Oak Challenge This Weekend!

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! Great news awaits you. Well, actually, great news awaits us. That is, many of us are heading to Jefforson City for the weekend in order to inflict more pain into our t'aints and wrists for the:
As if our t'aints and wrists haven't already endured enough punishment this season. The good folk(s) at Red Wheel Bike Shop are reported to have a kick-ass event planned, and all trail-condition reports have been glowing. Regardless of our results (which should be along the lines of a 100% Team Seagal Tie-For-First-Place ), one thing is for sure - we will be issuing the following threat advisory for all nearby restaurants after the race:

-C. Ryback

p.s. Don't forget - this tuesday on FX, The Shield season premier for its gloriopus final season will be airing! Many minds will be blown, as we find out what is in store for Vic and the remnants of the Strike Team. RIP Lem.


Chinese Herbs Strike Again!

There are many of you, teammates and fans alike, that I think can appreciate this. (You'll need sound.)

Non-Race this Saturday night! Check the message board for details.

-C. Ryback


Rapture in Misery - "We Make It Rain! Haha!!"

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fans! As I sit here, I suffer trying to type these words due to the great beating that my fingers, hands, and wrists took over the course of 12 hours of painful, rigid-fork-infused glory. My hands don't work so well, and so if I type an off-color joke, it is most likely due to a muscle spasm. I mean, thank God I have a girlfriend, otherwise I'd be in trouble, what with these malfunctioning hands and all. Oh sorry, there goes that muscle spasm thing already!

So what about this 12 Hour Pain-Train to Pain-ville known as Rapture in Misery? Well lemme tell you. Many brave soldiers were sent back to the front lines of combat with one thing in mind. Victory. We all suffered our own separate pain-fests in very different ways both before, during, and after this event. Mason Storm (12hr Duo), Nico Toscani (12hr Solo), Lt. Col. Austin Travis (12hr Duo), Gino Felino (12hr Duo), Dr. Wesley McLaren (12hr Solo, and myself, Casey Ryback (12hr Duo) showed up ready to make it rain. Gino was recovering from a sudden, violent bout of food poisoning; The Doctor and myself had to wake up way too early on Sunday in order to be back in StL to work at noon; and lastly, Nico was without his mustache. So as you can clearly see, we underwent many hardships just to even be at this highly-anticipated race. Fortunately, we utilize superior attitude and superior state of mind.

The weather was on our side, and our scouts were reporting optimal conditions after pre-riding on Friday. They also scouted out a fantastic camping spot ride along the race course and scored a super-badass picnic table. A little decorating, and we were in business:

We also made sure to reserve a spot for our good buds:

Waking up on Saturday morning I, and everyone else, was feeling good - so good that it was like the opposite of what a colon-oscopy is probably like. Nico, the Dr., and myself proceeded to the Winstead's for one of the greatest pre-race breakfasts in all of human history. Coffee, hash browns, biscuits and gravy, a mint Firebird in the parking lot, and several people in the shape of bowling balls stuffing their faces - welcome to flavor country!

Back to camp to get ready, at the line, and we were off!

We were fortunate enough to have two lovely ladies, Mrs. Storm and Mrs. Ryback in attendance for photo opportunities, maximum encouragement, and also to look pretty and be awesome. These things came in handy as Nico and the Doctor were definitely in for the long haul.

Can you guess what is missing from this picture? It rhymes with "bus-cash":

This is a great shot because those are awesome "superfans" in lawn chairs who would cheer us all on and fill our prescription for more cowbell on each lap - so cool:

Holy crap, is that Gene Simmons? Oh, it's just LT. Col. Travis in the process of overheating his tires due to his incredible speed:

Mini-Steven was ready for night laps:

Here is our full Squad mere seconds after I finished my last lap and was also the last racer on the course, and came to the finish line to find a cheering crowd AND an ice cold Pabst, but failing to completely close the 10 minute gap on the 3rd place Duo team (Looks like the Doctor is in a wheelchair...):

L-R: Casey Ryback, Lt. Col. Austin Travis, Nico Toscani, Dr. Wesley McLaren, Mason Storm, Gino Felino

Nico finished 3rd in the 12hr Solo 20-29 class, and 5th overall, with 9 laps.
Doctor finished 4th in the 12hr Solo 20-29 class, and 7th overall with 8 laps.
Team Seagal Dos Primos (Gino and Lt. Col.) finished 2nd! in the 12hr Duo with 12 laps.
Team Seagal (Mason and Casey) finsihed 4th in the 12hr Solo with 12 laps.

All in all, Team Seagal rode 41 laps and roughly 450 miles of Landahl this weekend, and our t'aints and wrists took the brunt of all that abuse. Yeah... think about that. However, that doesn't even tell you the stories of how Gino managed all those laps with a surprisingly little amount of nourishment, or of all the mini-to-large wrecks we had, or Nico and I toasted our PBRs during the racers meeting, or how the guy who owned that sweet Firebird at Winstead's looked like a fat Hitler, or how much it sucked for our good buddy Christian to blow out a headlight bulb barely into his first night lap, or how there was a whole f***ing team of guys on Surly Pugsleys, or of all the ninja-photographers hidden in the trees, or of Rich from Cowtown bestowing upon us a fermented gift (much appreciated!):
(that's a 12 pack of Pabst Light, and a 12 pack of Pabst bottles - this photo won't load properly. wtf.)

As always the trails at Landahl will manage to put a smile on our face no matter what. I think I even exclaimed to Christian while sucking his wheel on the first or second lap "This is so much fuuuuunnnn!" Some days the trail just flows underneath you, that the rocks are merely springs, and the corners all feel bermed to allow you to rail everything - and those days seem to be the norm at Landahl. There has not been a bad race there yet this year.

Robort was not able to make it to this race, as he was busy mixing it up in Cape for the Crankwerx NORBA race. However, Matt Keeven (with his new, sub-19 pound SS) and Zach of Mesa were able to be there and add to the St. Louis invasion by taking 1st and 3rd in the 6hr Solo by absolutly crushing out 7 laps. Sweet Jesus.

Oh man, I know your head is on the verge of explosion from reading of our exploits, but I want to leave you with some ridiculous bullshit. You've heard of Bikerfox? Well, a narcissistic creepy old man who thinks he can do fantastic tricks and will be famous some day. The reason I bring it up is to show you this video of him trying to demonstrate his hardcore XTREEM M4D $K1LLZ on the bike (a freaking Super-V) for Jay Leno:

Is there a way that we as a society can make sure he doesn't reproduce?

Left this season:
-the Short Track finale
-the NORBA series to be finished
-3/6hr Tall Oak Challenge at Binder in Jeff City


-C. Ryback

p.s. more pics here with better resolution.


This is what 1st in COMP SS looks like....

& 2nd in COMP CLYDES as well. Stay tuned for Rapture udate, it was totally RADZOORS!
PS I am not taking a bow, but RoBORT was to slow on the draw when taking the photo and caught us on our way off the podium!


Rapture in Misery Weather Report!!!!Oneoneoeneleven

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fans! Amidst a flurry of activity and significant upgrades for certain teammates' race bikes prior to this weekend's competition, we are happy to announce that the Nepalese Weather Dance where we burned Tibeten Goji berries and smeared yak semen all over our elbows PAID OFF. The good folks at weather.com are forecasting nothing but gloriously perfect weather for the day of the race:

So this means that the only thing our team has to worry about is the current threat level of our intestines:

Expect loads of pain, mileage, lulz, and good times to follow. Kansas City doesn't even know what's coming!

-C. Ryback


You're about to be Barack-Rolled

Have a good week, and see you at Rapture.

-C. Ryback


Man, are we dork'ed out...

Shop Minister and myself, Casey Ryback, have recently built up new extra-baller wheelsets using identical parts, save for the color. Both using HALO Spin Doctor hubs (apparently with ratchet-amplifier), Wheelsmith 2.0/1.7mm spokes, brass nipples, and Velocity VXC rims, 36h.

Minister in white, Mr. Ryback in gold (+ gold chain, QR skewers, valve caps):

Does it get much purtier?

Shop Minister on the bicycle equivalent of the short-bus:

Have a good weekend.

-C. Ryback


Moar Short Track pictures

Look out Gino! Tom is after your delicious PBRs! You know he can't get enough... (courtesy of "gss")

Gino motoring through (courtesy of "gss"):

You can't stop the Ascent!

Yours truly and Matt, of Wash U. He kicked my ass.

In other news, Rapture in Misery is looming closer and closer every day. Many of our brave Seagal soldiers will be deployed to the 12hr Solo class, with little regard for their own well-being. Yet others will be looking to dominate the 12hr Duo class. We are receiving word that we will not be the only StL team participating. Apparently this team will be going too:

Of course, if I were to try a 12hr Solo attempt, it would most certainly be a losing battle from the start. "Futile" would accurately describe it in the same way it describes this scene:

My expression would be pretty similar each time I would pass through the start/finish as well.

-C. Ryback

P.S. Trifecta on Saturday, anyone?


Council Bluff Report

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan. You were probably sitting at home all weekend crying about how humid it is, or about how a big angry lesbian took your lunch money. That's too bad, because three Team Seagal Soldiers made the decision to fore go any kind of wimpyness, and it was a glorious plan of action that was executed with expert manliness.

In the backs of our minds is the looming Burnin' at the Bluff 12 hour race, and how our minds had better be prepared for it. Even though it isn't until October, it is a race that should be seen as serious business, like teh internets.
On the agenda for the weekend:
1) Night lap
2) Day lap
3) Jumping into the lake
4) eat at Dos Primos
5) Expand our minds
6) maintaining a constant state of manliness.

Mission accomplished.

Despite a constant barrage of distractions in the form of morbidly obese, smoking-in-the-car-with-their-infant-child, over-the-top rednecks that would make your average Arkansas native look like a frickin' Yale graduate, we laid a path of destruction thinly disguised as trail reconnaissance. We are happy to report that Council Bluff is currently in phenomenal shape. There is only one downed tree that requires dismounting. As anyone who has ridden that trail knows, it is virtually impervious to precipitation. This characteristic came in very handy this weekend due to the buckets of sweat that poured from our bodies, and would have eroded any lesser trails. Gloves, chamois's, sweatbands, and socks were soaked in sweat, even without major exertion. But we persevered, and were ready to jump in the lake at the beach just in time to have a local Potosi-ite in the parking space next to us threaten to "beat (her child's) ass in front of all these people." I.e, us. It is times like that that make me remember that some people's purpose in life is solely to serve as a warning to others, whether they know it or not.

Dos Primos served us up right, as usual. It is literally impossible to leave that restaurant and still feel hungry and/or dissatisfied.

In the meantime, you might want to bone-up on your Council Bluff skills, because our Non-Race #6 is coming soon at Council Bluff, right after Non-Race #5 at Lost Valley.

Be there or be L7.

-C. Ryback