How To Do A Century Before Noon

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! There are many things that a person can do if they don't have to work until 2pm or if they don't have engagements until noon. You can get into a fight:
You could eat more:

You can sleep in (most common choice,) or you can go for a super badass century. There is a catch, you have to wake up early - like 3:30am early. With lights.

Being full of Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind, Nico Toscani summoned me (Casey Ryback) to meet him at the corner of Ladue and Spoede for a AM Adventure throughout the busier and busier streets of the city. Starting out, we pose in the middle of Ladue, which didn't have a single car going our direction all the way until Greentrails Road:

We enjoyed the entire lane to ourselves nearly until we made our pass into Creve Coeur flats, and partially around the Lake. There is this glorious sign at one of the trailheads, which I think should be our new T-Shirt:

There was heavy fog ALL through the flats. Enough to drip off of our helmets, and eyelashes. We circled around and completely flattened Marine as we climbed out of the flats. Making our way through Westport, we hopped onto Midland, and laid a path of destruction into U. City. Everyone in the Delmar Loop must have heard that two Team Seagal soldiers were approaching, so they made it look like they were all quiet, and closed for business when we came through at like 6am:

Our next destination was Forest Park, the 2nd of 3 major parks in which we made a loop. From inside Forest Park, Mr. Toscani and myself watched the sunrise (and met with a chinaman - Nico only):

In order to avoid sniper fire, we took a very zig-zag path downtown to Broadway, which is badass when going past the Brewery. Our next major park was Carondelet Park, where we snapped the wrists of some unsuspecting recreational riders. Ego Inflated. While stopped for a brief vein drain, we spotted this site down in a basin. We figure it had to be ancient Greek ruins, probably their old Gorilla Pit:

South City treated us well, as did Grant's Trail, where at least one recumbent with Aerospoke wheels was spotted. The aero advantage of being recumbent with Aerospoke wheels was far out"weighed" (get it?) by the pilot's enormous "frontal area." Before launching our attack on Grant's Trail, we had to stop for a resupply of our rations, which inclued 2 for $3 Hater-ade, and delicious apple fritters:

A brief-but-required visit with Gino Felino was on the agenda before circling back towards Forest Park for a second assault, with which to add on mileage. It was at this point that Nico and I split ways, he to attend the Cards game, and I to finish up the require 3 digits. Upon cresting Midland, I found my right knee to be engulfed in massive quantities of pain, or to use a favorite term of Jack Taggert, a "bucket" of pain. This severely slowed my progress back towards home base, but I persevered, with thoughts of lunch and superiority on my brain.

Little did I know that I had not seen my last recumbent for the day. While stopping for a final re-hydrating beverage and impulse cookie purchase, I heard a nasally voice behind me say "Ah, a wedgie bike!" I turned to see a small, stupid man, with pony tail eye-ing my bike, and possibly ass. I said "I'm sorry?"
"Yeah, those wedgie bikes!"
"Oh you mean my road bike."
"I used to ride those, but if you want to see a comfortable bike, check the back of my truck."
"No that's alright, I sell comfort bikes, I know what they look like..."
"It's a Baron, you ever heard of one of those?"
"No, I haven't"
*motions to see back of pick-up*
"Ohhh... a recumbent..." *as I try to hold in laughter*
"Yeah, I've got a Cannondale, a Giant, and then I got this. They're just hanging in my garage."
"Yeah... I suppose whatever makes you happy..." Not really having any desire to discuss the pros and cons of them in a 7-11 parking lot.

Then he tried to make out with me. Well, maybe not. But that really sucked. That ride was going so well, minus the terrible smells that seemed to permeate every single park that we went through, and then I had to talk with a recumbent rider. They want nothing more than to tell you ALL about their recumbent, and why it's actually so much better than your "wedgie bike."

If Captain Picard were there, he would have been doing this:

Don't forget about Burnin'! My prediction: 100% wrist/t'aint/mind/soul/leg/liver annihilation! It'll be like this on our t'aints:

More later.
-C. Ryback


Happy Tuesday! Now Watch These.

A glorious gathering of great... movie scenes. It's kind of like watching an epileptic seizure, only much more badass.

So many crunching sounds in this one...

I don't think you have the balls!

-C. Ryback


Bruising at the Blue Mounds

Hello all, Shop Minister here and I hate to bump the cx post so soon, but if I don't report this now, I likely never will. As many of you know I am now in the great white north, nestled in Milwaukee--the birth place of Team Seagal's sport drink of choice, PBR. I am starting a new job and trying to get my bearings on the bike scene in the area. So, what better thing to do than partake in one of the many mtb endurance events that take place in WI? As I am yet to actually connect with anyone to ride with, I decided to drive the two hours to the Blue Mounds outside of Madison by myself. Which is why there are no pictures in today's post.

First the obligatory excuses: I haven't been able to really ride in about 5 weeks, I've had a cold for a week now, and probably my largest limiter of all, I am weak sauce. My weak sauceness is what lead me to ride the 3 hour event instead of the 6 and frankly the 12 was right out. Anywho, it's business time, err, I mean it is time to get down to business.

After I registered I ended up talking to Randy, who was running support for the Ellesworth 12 hour rider, and he described the course to me. In short he tells my that it is like Landahl but more technical. He wasn't kidding. The Blue Mound trails are like Landahl on crack. Picture the strip mine at Klondike but going up and downhill. It is a true pinch flat paradise yet it was so much fun.

My race report is lacking because, well, I wasn't really racing. I was just happy to ride. I believe I was in a group of 4 chasing the top 3 for the first lap. I amazingly only ate rocks once. But of course I ate it on the exact same spot the second lap. (Here is where I could insert a picture but it would be a little too racy, even by Coach Ryback's standards.) I ended up sending my steer tube so far into my abdomen right above my danger-zone, that I almost quit and I think I may have broken my computer by the sheer force. The bruising is impressive.

Lap three I caught a pinch flat on my rear. As I was trying to put the wheel back into the dropouts it kept getting hung up. Eventually, I got it back in and once again I was off. The only problem is, apparently I jimmied out the brake pads. So I was rear breakless for three miles of one the most technical trails I have ever ridden. Fun! Actually it still was, but it marked the end of the race for me and I didn't head out for a fourth lap.

So that is my report, weak like my sauce, but still a race report. This is a trail system for y'all to mark down. There is easily a days worth of line picking, boulder climbing enjoyment, that is well worth the drive.

Hermann Cross - The Opposite of a Sharp Stick in the Eye!

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fans! It has been a while since we last spoke, I know. Don't think that isn't because we don't love you. Quite the opposite in fact. We love you a lot, like in a creepy mustache way. It also turns out that we love CX, in more of a self-hurt way. Going to a CX race is like going to a girl-fight - in other words, it's painful in an awesome way.

Hermann, MO seems to be well-entrenched in Missouri cycling. Tour of Missouri goes through there, as does the Tour/TT of Hermann, The Katy Trail connects to it, and Cyclocross seems to be a regular occurrence there as well. Saturday was the season-opener, taking place under cover of darkness and floodlights. It made photography extra difficult, at least, for someone like me with a point-n-shoot. Our own Mason Storm was participating in his first CX race evar, on his new Kona Jake the Snake that I must say, is looking quite baller. A few of us (Mrs. Storm, Mrs. Ryback, Marshall Lawson and I) went to cheer on our own teammate, and also to ring the shit out of our cowbells and scream at the top of our lungs to all of those poor bastards suffering on their bikes. And drink some beer.

I didn't get but a couple discernible shots of Mr.Storm:

After the 1st race were the supah-fast dudes, in a STACKED line-up:

Davey B looking pro-as-fuck, and ready to deliver a snapped wrist or two:

I'm not terribly sure who these dudes are, but it is the sharpest photo of all of them, and it is at the section that everyone seemed to think was the worst - a football-field-length mudbog that had a lot of racers stopping to ask all of the spectators for ninja swords with which they can commit Seppuku:

We met up with many fellow off-road racin' buds, DrewB, Mr. Keeven, Boz, Rich, Jesus, Christian, Zak, and many others. Operation "Spray Breslin with Beer" was in full swing, and I believe it was very successful. When not spraying beer, we were drinking it:

Big props go to Scott O. who seemed to be riding very strong as well in that supah-fast class. All gravel was accounted for after the race, which means that Mr. Hatch wasn't there.

I managed to get a video of the first lap of the advanced race, as they finished the stairs. Note the huge gap already developed by 1st and 2nd place over the rest of the field, even after less than one lap! Terrible quality, terrible resolution, but whaddya want - you probably weren't there!

Now everybody, don't go throwing away your mountain bike/hill bike in the dumpster just yet, you have to keep it at least for another couple of weeks for Burnin' at the Bluff! This year seems to be shaping up to be one of the biggest, best years yet for many reasons. Bring your friends and bring... stuff. It promises to be even better than Shamwow!

Burnin'..... Burnin'.... Burnin'... Burnin'.... Burnin'... Burnin'...

-C. Ryback


Seen at Tour of Missouri, St. Louis

Teh Funs were to be had in downtown St. Louis today, despite the threat of rain. Rain had in fact shown up in force this morning, with its good friend, tornado-like wind. Seen at teh races:

When it comes to cycling, Rock Racing defines "baller."

As pointed out by Eddie, the weirdest water fountain:

People were utterly confounded by our line of propped bikes. This guy was actually taking a picture, so I took a picture of him taking a picture:

It is so amazing that the sweep van/broom wagon is sponsored by Bissel:

The new urban hipster fixie trend:

Rare Furby sighting, taken before commencing fraternization:

Apparently it was short-shorts day in St. Louis (ugh...):

1.7 seconds before the finish - the Liquigas guy was teh winnar:

This girl was having lots of trouble brushing her hair:

Don't forget, people - Burnin' at the Bluff is right around the corner. Don't get too excited about CX until this race is behind you - it is taking place at this address:

-C. Ryback


Just in case we need positive body identification...

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fans! We will all look like true soldiers now. Key word: *look.* Thanks to one of our friends over at Team Spackler, our families have a much greater chance of identifying our bloated corpses if one of us happens to fall in the heat of battle, and be found trail-side. I think this is the only time in recorded history that the phrase "Cock-Puncher" has ever ended up on a set of dog tags:

These will be distributed shortly, although we need Shoe Minister's forwarding address.

We'll look much better than these actual soldiers:

In other news, big Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Mason Storm, who were finally married over the weekend! Make sure you punch him in the fa... give him a handshake when you see him.

-C. Ryback