Trivia Time!

Greetings loyal Team Seagal Fan! We hope you had a satiating and lucrative Christmas filled with family and food, not filled with broken glass windows, snapped wrists, and explosions. Much like "The Bob's" speaking to Lumberg about Peter in the movie "Office Space," we here at Team Seagal HQ don't think we've challenged you enough. Because of this, we have two pieces of homework for you - a multiple choice question, and a reading assignment.

1) From which Seagal movie did this short monologue come: (And for bonus points, include which former drill-instructor delivered the line?)

"My guy in DC tells me we are not dealing with a student here. We're dealing with a professor. Any time the military has an operation that can't fail they call this guy in to train the troops, okay? He's the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he could piss in your campfire. You could drop this guy off at the Arctic Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear without his toothbrush and tomorrow afternoon he's gonna show up at your poolside with a million dollar smile and a fistful of pesos. This guy's a professional, you got me?"

A. Under Siege
B. On Deadly Ground
C. Fire Down Below
D. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory

2) Reading assignment - READ THIS BOOK:

Seagalogy By "Vern"

As of this writing this, I'm on chapter 6, and it might the best book I've ever read. Says New York Magazine: "We can't believe this actually exists, but the world is certainly a better place for it!" I think that this should be the Official Team Seagal Handbook. Systematic and ironically hilarious overview of each of Seagal's movies, plus a liberal use of both footnotes and the word "fuck" make for a must-read. This book gets a 10-out-of-10 Snapped Wrists rating. In fact, I plan on attempting to get this "Vern" guy to join our team on an honorary basis. Interesting note: Amazon has the new versions cheaper than the used ones. Buy this book, or be forever floating in a vast sea of direction-less confusion

Merry Christmas.

-C.F. Ryback


"'Twas the Night Before CXmas" - A Poem by C.F. Ryback

Twas the night before CXmas, and all through my head
were visions of times past, snapped wrists and potheads.
The gifts were wrapped in Mason's Element with care:
In hopes that tomorrow's racer's would find them easy to ensnare.

I was nestled all snug in my bed,
when that @%$#ing 6AM alarm made me wish I were dead.
With the temperature as low as a lizard's ballsack:
I packed my shit up and headed for near the 3 smokestacks.

When out on the trail there arose such a clatter,
For I found Mason and Gino, and I said "What's the matter?"
One said "It's so cold that I have a frozen eyelash!"
So I carried on with them, my teeth soon to gnash.

The creativity on our team is truly something to behold,
for I can always be amazed, even when ice cold.
When what in front of my eyes did I find,
but the CXmas spokecard, which promptly blew my f***ing mind:

With a trunk full of gifts that looked very epic:I knew that the racers would carry them right-quick.
We also had a plan more devilishly messed
a full case of egg-nog for them to ingest:

With Nico in his moo-moo and Pierce in his suit,
Our point to lift their spirits was certainly not moot.
All Gino's planning came down to this,
a short racer's meeting and then to the trail they'd be dismissed!

Now Trail Monster! now, Ryan! now, Doctor and Mitch!
On Nick! and Dust! on Stephanie and Rich!
Through the fire roads of Klondike, and now onto the Katy!
You'll warm up quickly as you ride up Terry!

The Terry Road hill warmed them up but hurt just the same,
Though Duke wasn't much solace - it was equally lame.
Descending Matson they were certainly not snails,
but then it was a left, back onto the Katy Trail.

At the base of the Hamburg we did give them a challenge,
drink this egg-nog from which Aldi's we scavenged.
The slower riders though, I'm sure were displeased,
but the longer we stayed there, our egg-nog did freeze!

After stuffing their bellies chock full of nog,
up Hamburg and through Lost Valley they did have to slog.
Some barriers and big hills they did find,
before crossing 94 and facing more of our design.

We gave them a present and down the Katy they flew,
wrapped gift in their arms, they thought us cuckoo.
With the wind in their face, they made a B-line,
Armed with superior attitude and superior state of mind.

They left the gifts at the barriers we made,
so professional they looked, you probably thought they weren't homemade!
Only a mile or two left in their ride,
no one thought it to be some weak-sauce joyride.

It didn't take long after the barriers to complete,
the ride which they started seemingly earlier in the week!
Fortunately for them what waited at the end,
was comfortably hot and surrounded by friends!

Our cold weather battle wasn't over just yet,
some beers sprouted a frozen-mega head!

It didn't really matter, as we found a new game,
Huffy Toss - hopefully no one would get maimed!

The Innaugural CXmas Champion (Nick), whose name's now immortalized,
will hopefully return next year - that's what we advise.
The rest of the night was spent hanging with our buds,
Launching Huffy parts, much like Iraqi SCUDS:

All in all 27 people came to ride, (results LINK)
Though not all finished, they helped spread the yuletide!
Even more badasses came to help, and for that we are grateful,
may your digits thaw quickly - the feeling is mutual!

And a huge thanks to our sponsors we must certainly shout,
Kona, Pabst, The Hub, Elete - you really helped us out!

And to all you other riders out there who were scared of the pain,
Just don't forget...we make it rain!

-C.F. Ryback

*There will be more reports and photos to come, but for now, see my photos here - link*

CXMAS Results!

First off thanks to everyone who made this event happen, the racers, my teammates, dave and company with PBR, the Hub, other volunteers, those that came after the race was over to drink free beer...

Here are the results, as best as my cold hands could record them:
  1. Nick Bennett, huffy toss-off champion
  2. Devin Clark
  3. The Doctor
  4. Mitch Johnson
  5. Ryan Heine
  6. Rock Wamsley
  7. Anthony Dust
  8. Nico Toscani
  9. Greg Ott
  10. Bryan Adams
  11. Scott Melies
  12. Rich Pierce
  13. Mark Rothstein
  14. Michael Rawitscher
  15. Chris Saxton
  16. Andy Berger
  17. Pete Goode
  18. Bob Jenkins
  19. Stephanie McCreary
  20. Nick Smith
  21. Chris Bopp
  22. Greg B., winner of "Superior Attitude, Superior State of Mind" Award
Victims of the cold ass feet affliction:
  • Jim Davis
  • Wendy Davis
  • John Farinella
  • Scott Nelson
  • Matt Schweiker
Let me know of any misspellings or if you know you finished in front of so and so. I didn't have the best finish laid out, and missed a couple while trying to get the fire going, prizes out, etc. You all need me to get that right so you've got bragging rights that last until next CXMAS.

There are many more detailed posts soon to come, upon full thawing of participants' fingers.


Cold Is Just a State of Mind

Looks like the forecast for CXMAS on Sunday has settled on between ridiculously, unbelievably cold and "be careful sticking those hand warming packets down your shorts" cold. The course will have plenty to offer to keep you working and that temperature up. If that's not enough take a lesson from Steven Seagal and remember that the right outer garment can make all of the difference.

See you at the start line.



We're in Cyclocross Magazine! Well, sorta...

This section was, the most badass section of the coursek, the RR tie run-up. It was a true gauntlet of cheering!


(both taken from cxmagazine.com, link)

Alright, I'll be the one to say that his chamois is awesorme. Don't tell me you weren't thinking it. C'mon - plaid!

This dude cleared the section, and was rewarded with thunderous cheering:

Those Mafia Racing dudes are totally "high speed," in more ways than one.

In other CXmas-related news, here is the Accuweather weekend forecast:

Dress warmly, and bring your PBR in a heated thermos! Hopefully we'll still have crunchy snow on the ground beneath our tires, carrying us to glorious victory.

-C.F. Ryback


CX Nationals 2008

Getting into my car on Saturday night, heading to pick up The Doctor, Nico, and CFR I had no idea, no possible way to fathom, how amazing/epic/unbelievable this weekend was to be. That 24 hours had everything in it.

The first destination of the evening brought us into the town of Columbia for a meeting with mini-Nico at an establishment by the name of Shakespeare's, right on the edge of coed country. There we set on our sights on double jobs. One of only 2 jobs that is even better when you have two of them. The official pizza of team seagal. JOBS: jalapeno, onion, bacon, and sausage on a bed of pepperjack cheese. Can you say tasty. Casey still could as he coached the rest of us on devouring double slices of the jalapeno goodness.

Parting ways with mini-Nico and his flavor country edition minivan we continued on the the elder Toscani residence south of Kansas for some much needed rest to prepare or stomachs for the beer to be consumed, the yelling to be done, and the cowbells to be rung the next day. Not wanting us to attempt such feats on an empty stomach Fancy Nancy and elder Toscani treated us to fresh made Belgian Waffles that put those in that link to shame, piles of bacon and sausage, and eggs fried in the grease of said Bacon. Only then were we truly ready.

Having stuffed ourselves we headed north to the race course at Tiffany Springs Park. Ensuring full stomachs had us arriving a little late to the park and we only caught the end of the singlespeed race dominated by young James Lalonde.

Does that Lalonde family ever give any other racers a chance? Although I'm not sure he could have held off this kid had he entered:

Armed with morning beverage/second breakfast we prepared ourselves for the heckling and cheering all you local cross racers have come to know and love.

In the Collegiate Div 2 race we were pleasantly surprised to find our own Robort racing before having to be at work back in stl at noon.

We gave him much inspiration yelling "Go Robort! Go! Go!" He seemed both inspired and perplexed by our cheering.

While standing around waiting for the start of the collegiate womens race the coldest wind we ever felt blew in. The temperatures instantly dropped 20 degrees. Had there been a hobbit, a gay cowboy, we were in New York, and surrounded by bad acting they might have made a movie about it. The collegiate women were on the line waiting for the race start when the cold hit. I hope they all still have feeling in their extremities. If not the Doctor has a few remedies he can provide for them if they'd like. For the east coast syndicate here are a couple of them:

After putting on a few layers we eventually made our way over to partying/heckling/cheering central at the step run-up right before the end and settled in for the rest of the collegiate races. There we met are comrades in arms. Now those guys know how to have a good time. I think they might have broken our record for most PBR given out at a race. It's always good to have a new challenge for the next racing year.

By the time of the start of the Women's Elite the temperatures had plummeted even more. My beer was freezing (I need to yell less and drink more in the future to keep that from happening), my toes were numb, and my fingers couldn't even work the controls on my camera. I got off a picture of Katie Compton on her way to domination and that was about it.

I got back to the car as quickly as I could and put on every available layer of clothing I could find: my pajama pants under my jeans, every base layer I had, Coach's hoody, and a pair of work gloves that were in my trunk. I might have looked homeless, but I feel sorry for those who didn't have enough clothes or were unable to steal them from friends. What's the difference between a CX fan on a bitterly cold day and a homeless man? The CX fan has no trouble getting more beer.

Some people sought a different path to warmth:

Warmed up, the team regrouped back at the steps section to add our voices to the cheering and jeering of the guys warming up for the elite mens race. The formula was simple: ride up the steps or at least attempt it and receive thunderous cheers and horn blowing. Ignore our course direction on the best line and run it and receive the wrath of thirty drunk CX fans. I'm sorry, that should read CX fans. It's understood we were all drunk.

Much as Team Seagal predicted in our earlier posts the Elite race was a Ryan Trebon domination. I''m pretty sure said domination was mostly a result of his receiving an invite to CXMAS. He simply couldn't contain the excitement and put it all into the pedals.

A few of my favorite pics:

Trebon is just too damn tall to fit into one picture:

Having yelled and rung bells until our arms were sore we needed to refuel and embarked on a path of return to said Shakespeares pizza for a planned meeting with mini-Nico once more, and the Mesa Crew, fine CX hecklers/spectators/racers in their own right although their pizza consumption could use a little guidance. I mean come on... salads. Destruction of three 16" pizzas ensued on the Team Seagal end of the table, all of them covered in jalapenos, two of them the aforementioned JOBS.

So in conclusion, lessons learned/reinforced from CX Nats: Ryan Trebon is retarded fast, Schlafley Special Reserve Imperial Stout is simply excellent in the morning, mother nature can be a bitch, CFR can make your eyes water at will, Team Seagal should sell our services to pizzerias recommending pizza topping combinations, the existence of cyclocross racing is a sign that there is still much right with this world, and cyclocross is mustache headquarters for the cycling universe.

See all you all at CXMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here are the rest of the pics PICS I got.



Just when you thought TV has hit rock bottom...

...this happens. This kinda shit can't even be made up. They're actually calling it the show "Bromance." Little did we know that our little joke of incorporating the word "bro" as a prefix onto any word in an effort to be funny would actually be considered TV-worthy. It's actually very "bromosexual." I heard that there's a character named "Broseph." and he drives a Cadillac "Bro-ham." He parks in in the garage next to his "bro-boat," and his "Bro-wmobile." He just had a "tur-bro" installed on the car. His favorite food is "bro-tatoes," and he voted ("bro-ted") for "Bro-bama" back in the month of "Bro-vember" in his home state of "Bro-klahoma." I think this shows proves that the creators of this show have developed a true set of... (ready for this one?) ..."bro-varies."

It kinda makes me want to end it all...

...But not before National's this weekend!

Good night everybody!


*I would like to apologize for this post.*


Still Don't Believe that Steven Seagal is More Badass Than Chuck Norris?

If this is the case, then I suggest you read up on the "revised" Chuck Norris Facts, and then make your decision.


Improved Chuck Norris Facts

Compare those new and better facts to this ice cold, all-business Steven Seagal:

You're welcome.

-C.F. Ryback


How big is your UNIT?

I had a pretty shitty day at work today, and yesterday was kinda bittersweet with the MO CX season coming to a close. Little did I know however that there was a Kona box containing a 2009 Big Unit waiting for me at home. What better way to celebrate the end of a super fun CX season with the thing that got me riding bikes in the first place.....Mountain Biking. I can't tell you how happy I was to see that box, and now it is time for some serious hill biking....don't forget CXmas and Crossocolapse though! Here are some pics of my new race weapon.

This bike is sick! It's scandium tubing is super light, and it came in at about 3.25lbs lighter than my other Steel SS...which was built with all the same componetry as the Big Unit. It is really nice to have such great team sponsors, and I have to give Cory at Kona huge props for getting this bad boy to me super fast....I think I might just be the first person in the MO on a Big Unit. See you on the trail!


2008 Hermann CX State Championships!

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fans! I have a hypothetical question to pose for you - if it wasn't for cyclocross, how or what would you ride on days that the temperatures are in the shitter? (btw, spell-check does not recognize the word "shitter") The temperature today was in the 'teens for most of the day, eventually working it's way up to the freezing mark. It was generally cold enough to give you the pee and/or poo shivers, without having to even pee or poo. But that's cyclocross. And not coming from a heavy cyclocross background, I am amazed at how easily I/we have come to *crave* sewer-like rainy/muddy/cold/yak-semen-slick conditions, when I've spent all of my mountain-biking life despising and loathing them. If it weren't for the shared euphoric agony of cyclocross, we'd more likely than not find excuses to stay at home wearing the Snuggie and watch the Lifetime Movie Network while crying about how we're not getting adequate training miles, and using tampons to wipe away out tears. Maybe that is why the cycling gods created cyclocross - because they were tired of our sniveling and whining about how bad the weather is, and how we don't get to ride. They said, "Enough of this fuckin' around" and created a glorious discipline that would embrace it.

We landed in Hermann around 9AM to find that it so cold, that it was one of the few times when it would not be teh gayz0rz to hang out in the heated mens room. Looking "pro" took a backseat to warmth. Overall conditions weren't quite as bad as 2007 Champs, but they were colder for sure. After registering, we sat through a reading of Buddy's list of rules:

-Most important of those rules: No rough stuff, and no playing on wet equipment. (Insert Robort joke here.)

The course was fantastic - run-ups leading to off-camber hill run-ups, a super metal sandpit (that WAS rideable), barriers, a stairway that led to the pain cave, 180 turns, and a mind-snapping labyrinth of course tape was enough to break the wills of lesser soldiers, but not those of us who sacked-up and rode today.

The Cat 4 race was littered with Team Seagal soldiers - Cockpuncher, Gino, Nico, Mason, The Doctor, and Myself were all out for the souls of our competition. Doctor had an unfortunate run-in with that bitch, the dropped-chain fairy. Cockpuncher and myself were found to be in very close proximity for a good portion of the race, with me nipping at the heels of one Mr. Farinella (sp?) and some other dude from Dogfish who managed to find another gear as we started the last lap.

*Thanks to Lori who snapped a bunch of fantastic photos of each one of us at each major obstacle! Seriously, peruse all of them, because there are many more here - Link*

The Doctor in the process of dealing out Wrist-Snappage:

Nico giving the pavilion spectators a step-by-step lesson on how to tackle the barriers:

If the lead singer of Mastodon were to race CX, he would look like Mason going up stairs:

Gino, having just re-entered orbit (as evidenced by the steam on his shoulders):

Cockpuncher's cock-punching face:

How do you ride a sandpit? Coach shows you how to ride a fuckin' sandpit:

Thoroughly satisfied, and ready to change into dry, warm clothing:

After this photo, Mason decided, while wearing sunglasses, that he'll be starting a new tv show called "Mason's New BFF."

Some dudes would literally bound up the stairs. I ambled. Sacheyed, almost. Of course, the real stair-climb race was between Dan-o and Trixie, the dog:

After the "4's" race, some of us dug into a sun-lit superfan spot, and others lined the stairs while hanging out with the Mesa Crew:

Chris, being the crowd schmoozer that he is, was always grabbing for "crotch-preems" or rather, "ball-bucks", held expertly by Matt James and our own Mason Storm:

He was also gunning for the PBR/Stags, both standard and stuffed-with-dollars:

Dust also wanted him some ball-bucks (I think that one may have been the $5):

Most Pro-As-Fuck Shoes Award goes to The Butthead:

Most Intense Face Award goes to Curt Kippenburger (I think):

Once all of the excitement at the race was finished, we were re-deployed on a seek-and-destroy mission For Great Justice of food. We found it at a seemingly badass Mexican restaurant in Washington, but it turned out to not stack up to Dos Primos in terms of speed and quality of food. It DID, however, present our Mason with a challenge, one that was chock full of potentially heinous epicnicity. That is, the 5lb "El Diablo" Burrito. If said challenger is able to finish El Diablo in less than 30 minutes, it is on the house and their photo is put on the wall. You are in essence, making a deal with the devil.
An $18 Burrito looks like this:

Mason's funeral will be held this Thursday at 11AM.

After food, we were to continue our final mission objective, which meant getting some much needed rest in a comfortable bed:

Gino - 19/44
Nico - 26/44
Doctor - 28/44
CFR - 31/44
'Puncher - 33/44
Mason - 44/44 - (I thought there was another racer that finished like 30s after you?)

Enough can't be said to thank all of the people that sat at the tables early in the morning for two butt-ass-cold, windy days while taking our numbers, handing out tubed meat on buns, setting everything up and then staying late tearing everything down. Your hard efforts make these events run seemingly without a hitch to all the participants! Jeff Yielding is the man when it comes to anything that involves both Hermann and cycling!

The rest of CFR's photos - link
The full set from Gino's camera, Cat 1,2,3link

We'll be super-fan-ing it up at CX Nat's next weekend in KC, as should you be. The weekend after that, come to CXmas - there sounds like there will be a great turnout for this one, be a part of it!

-Casey. Fucking. Ryback.