Glorious Road/Gravel Ride of Our Lives

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! Since Seagal Soldiers do not require sleep, I spent the 4 O'Clock hour last night thinking about a possible ride for Great Justice. This is one that incorporates a number of other rides into one massive Omni-Ride of Destiny. It is one that is sure to strike fear into our t'aints and wrists.

-a bike that is vertically compliant on light gravel, while at the same time being torsionally and laterally stiff on pavement (i.e cross bike, road bike with 28's)
-plenty of food, water
-cash/plastic for food/lunch stops
-Superior Attitude, Superior State of mind
-warm clothing
-spare tubes
-a vagina de-sand-ifier, in case the distance gets to be too much for you

The route would entail us starting possibly some place near Forest Park or TC Man. We would set course for the Mississippi River Trail, and turn north. We'll continue through Alton, onto Grafton, and then cross the two river ferries into St. Charles. Turning south, we'll head for the Katy trail, which we'll then ride all the way out to Terry Road. (Terry Road, if you're not familiar, is a gravel road about 1-2 miles east of Klondike Park on the Katy.) Climbing up Terry, we'll turn right onto paved Duke Road. A few miles down, we'll turn right down the gravel Matson Hill and turn left back onto the Katy. We'll continue back to the Page Extension, and cross over through Creve Coeur Lake, and where we'll then blaze a merciless path of pestilence, death, and destruction back to the starting point.

I estimate the route to be roughly 150-160 miles long, with only 2 or 3 hills to plan for, and a few sections of challenging rollers (i.e. Duke Rd) though I haven't actually plotted out the route on Mapmyride or Google earth or anything. I would expect that we would have to depart and finish in the dark. The more the merrier on this ride for sure. Who would be interested in this?

Without the proper preparation and state of mind, you will be bound to:

-C. F. Ryback


A Few More Burnin' Photos

Courtesy of Mrs. Ryback:

The Doctor:

Puncher of Cocks:

This one too, of Thrasher, post final-lap:

Marshall would appreciate this one, I think ("Hey Ma, can I dun put out duh' fire?"):

In other news, go listen to the band "Turbonegro." They are super badass, like on par with Austrian Death Machine.

Now as part of our new mountain bike coaching business, we will start with some coaching advice for any and all people planning on participating in the Berryman Trail Epic race this weekend. That is, you want to consumer plenty of this prior to the race:

She-Asses are renowned for their carbohydrate and electrolyte content.

That'll be $115 please...

-C. Ryback


Two videos going into the weekend

The first one is a little slice of life from the 24 Hours of Moab, nothing crazy, but interesting to see:

The second video I found from someone posting a comment on Cameron Chambers' blog, and I think urrbody here will enjoy it like they enjoy popping a blister:

Have a good weekend.
-C. Ryback


Oh My Gorsh, David Byrned Down the Pabst Theater

Good day, Shop Minister here. Over the years if you have walked into a TC store where a large contingent of Seagal riders work, there is a good chance you heard the Talking Heads on the hi-fi. So I thought it fitting to report on the David Byrne concert I went to last night. Why? Because A: He was the front-man for the Talking Heads(and has had a huge solo career) because 2: He played at the PABST THEATER in Milwaukee. Alls I'm saying is that he was "burnin' down the house" last night. And golly, was the crowd entertaining. It was some of the best rhythmless dancing without coordination I have ever seen. It wasn't that Phish concert neo-hippie standing seizure crap (no offense fellas). No, instead it was the equivalent of toddler dancing, but with adults. It was the bees-knees I tell ya. In short, if you ever have the chance to see David Byrne live, spend the lootcakes and enjoy a real showman. You will not be disappointed by his awesormness!


Burnin' at the Bluff V - I didn't see any ducks, but I heard lots of 'em

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. That is, let it be known that if you are going to attend/participate in only one race per year, it should be Burnin' at the Bluff. No questions asked. "But Mr. Ryback, what if I live in New Hampshire now? *sniffle*" I said no questions asked, douchebag. This is one of those races that you plan for at the beginning of the year. The type around which you change your wedding plans. The type which, when presented with the dilemma of going to this race or going to your first born's funeral, you go to the race. Or simply arrange to have the funeral at the race, in between your laps.

Many lucky soldiers were deployed to Council Bluff this weekend in the form of two 3-man Singlespeed Teams and one 12hr Solo avenger. Teams were: Pile-Driving Miss Daisy, consisting of myself, The Doctor, and Gino Felino; Flock of Seagals consisted of Cockpuncher, Mason Storm, and Jack Taggert. Nico Toscani was our lone Solo fighter, armed with a mind that is so superiorly hardened that his mind alone can actually impregnate you, without you even having to come into contact with him. Yeah - think about that.

(It's worth noting that thanks to an inattentive bitch driving recklessly and illegally and then leaving the scene of an accident, our other 12hr Solo Soldier, Lt. Col. Austin Travis, was man-down and not able to attend the race. Few things can take a Soldier down; Stripper-AIDS being one, and vehicles being another. Just fuel for the fire for next year.)

Things encountered during this weekend: suicidal cockroaches, cancer-throat-boxes mistaken for waterfowl, suprise Lightning Bolt energy drink courtesy of Marshall Lawson, cramps in every muscle including the butt-hole muscle, taco'd wheels, Chinaman herbs, smashed hopes and dreams, fulfilled hopes and dreams, Little Buddy asleep while reading in his tent with the light on, lots of Pabst, a girl laying on the ground using a parking barrier as a pillow, smashed resolves, melted brain-matter, and oversized pocket knives purchased for $3 at Country Mart:

One thing that was lacking, though, was proper fire safety - Smoky the Bear would be upset:

The race weekend didn't just begin the moment that we woke up to race, though. It started, for some brave Soldiers, up to two nights prior when rolling into the campgrounds with plans on a glorious day of pre-ride reconnaissance, and repeated assaults on Dos Primos. The Doctor reported flat tires while scouting the trail, and that proved to be a fore-shadowing of things to come. Friday night was meant for relaxing, as I found out when I arrived late friday night to see this already having sprouted:

Race Day started early. Like before dawn, in order to make the racer's meeting. No matter that we had to wake up early, as I couldn't sleep the whole night because I was thinking of the race the whole night! No fan-fucking-tastic race like Burnin' can start without a badass breakfast, courtesy of Mason Storm at the helm:

After our bellies were full of eggs, coffee, Lightning Bolts, random sugary foods, and after our bowels were completely evacuated of all their contents, it was time to toe up to the line. After months of anticipation, training, trash-talking, and telling and re-telling of Lakeside Boxing tales, it was on. Running through a freshly mowed field, we emerged from the fog like blood-thirsty soldiers storming the beaches, chargin' towards the trail, everyone trying to get the crucial-to-a-12-hr-race hole-shot:

The first lap had me wishing I hadn't huffed all that jenkem at the start line. It was definitely a jam-job of epic proportions. The first real traffic-thinning opportunities came at the fire road climb. The trail conditions had many racers unprepared, as evidenced by the sheer number of fallen soldiers on the side of the trail fixing flats and other chance encounters with ground-stuff. I, Casey Ryback, was also caught up in a battle of wits with a flat front tire that was the trail-side equivalent to the scene in Princess Bride where Vizzini faces off with the Man in Black. Vizzini (me) thought he could defeat the Man in Black (the flat tire) handily, only to find out that the Man in Black was positioning itself to poison me, or rather, my lap time. That's what happens when your spare tube is flat to begin with. Shit. Thankfully, Mr. Toscani rolled past me (as did most other people on course) and being the true soldier that he is, left me with his pump which allowed me to continue on my horrific path of devestation. None were spared.
Me and the guilty tube in an intense stare-down:

Nico is all smiles early in the day at the top of "the climb," or rather, the "mind-destroyer:"

Here, Mason shows why it is advantageous to have a beard as he is out of the saddle at the top:

No man is an island, unless he is incredibly fat and adrift at sea. And no Soldier can get far without the best-looking support in-between laps:

Things settled into their pace while enjoying weather that was beyond-perfect. The weather gods really seem to be responding positively to this yak-semen weather dance thing; we're going to have to stock up for the future, so as to have amazing weather more often.

Flock of Seagals kept the pace moving steady and sassy, with many miles covered and having dealt many snapped wrists. Nico, utilizing his iron will and legs of quantanium, crushed his way through 7 laps of 6th place glory. He is one sick bastard. Either that, or he's secretly huffing jenkem as well. In the Pile-Driving Miss Daisy camp, we were in position to step into 3rd place as long as we went out for a 10th lap. This task was beset upon Gino, who accepted the challenge, and then proceeded to come through the finish line at 10:01pm holding a cold PBR and a still-warm brat:

Once all the hardened racers were through with their final lap, and once the janitor had finished mopping up all of the melted brains off of the ground at the top of the final climb and near the podium, the awards/festivities began.

Nico demonstrates a task that he will not be able to effectively do for a while after having done approx 90 miles of Council Bluff - firmly hold toilet paper:

When Dos Primos is not readily available after a race of such magnitude, tubed meats are a suitable replacement (specifically beer-brats, and jalapeno chicken sausages):

Nico and I toast to a job well-done:

Superior props should be given to Christine who found herself the victim of a freak wrist-snapping incident (we didn't do it, we swear) this summer which left her unable to ride a bike. The last 5 weeks have been spent only on the pavement, which must have been enough since she actually had the fastest womens' lap! (was edged out only by 10 seconds in the end.) The kicker - this was her first mountain bike ride since the snapping! She was kind enough to have lent us her x-ray for the t-shirt:

There are many things in this world that I don't want to experience. Near the top of that list, right below Stripper-AIDS, are the saddle sores like what this guy had after his cotton-underpants night lap:

Word is he left a whole bucket of t'aints on the side of the trail around mile 11.

Burnin' 1x1 Podium!

Burnin' Fast in the Past Podium!

Burnin' Wicked Fast Podium!

Fast M-Fing lap - Chris has been gunning for the sub-hour lap for years, finally success with a 59:59 lap! Guess I should quit the jenkem, eh?

The big story of the day was the epic battle between DRJ's D-wayne and Mesa's Zach Brace for 12hr Solo, it came down to a matter of minutes. When Zach crossed the line, no one knowing who was going to emerge from the woods first, a cheer erupted that actually caused some ripples in the lake. But I found the secret to Zach's success - he's literally does not weigh anything, thus making him climb like a fucking rocket:

Insert joke-caption here:

This is a scary sight, one that is even worse depending on when exactly you see it (I took this photo while peeing - true story!):

It's like I always say, you can't drink all day if you don't start first thing in the morning. This being The Doctor's birthday weekend, he can get away with living by that idiom:

Whew, what a weekend. I know we've been looking forward to it all season for sure, and it certainly did not disappoint. It's a race in which fun and highly competitive riding don't go hand in hand - no matter how serious you are about winning or placing, you are guaranteed to have a shitload of fun. No really, you could endo while riding across the dam, land on your neck, soil yourself, and then be forced to lay there, unseen down the embankment, paralyzed from the neck down, and laying in your own smelly poo, and still be thinking "I'm having such a great time! I can't wait till next year!"

Mesa continues to make this bigger and better each year, and it is even more pro this year with the timing chips. Not enough can be said for all the hard work and stress to help us all have this much fun! Even better with Pabst having thrown down some serious support for this event! Next time you see the rep, Dave, give him a handshake. He'll probably buy you a beer:
Thanks Dave!

Tons of fun was had with all people around us, Matt with Wash U was riding super well (email me yer contact info - whymustibike@hotmail.com) and it was awesome to meet even more of the MTBUnited dudes! (Those jerseys look baller.) Seriously, there isn't even enough time to hang out with all the excellent people that show up down there. Can't wait till next year.

-C. Ryback


Are You Ready? Burnin' Awaits

Burnin' does not forgive. Burnin' does not forget. By the end of this race nothing will be left but a massive path of destruction that will smash your brain if you're not completely ready. You'll be left twitching on the side of the trail hearing some mysterious music and thinking of the race, melding the two together in your mind to look something like this:

The rocks will hit back, the roots are more rooted than ever, and that final climb up to the campground will crush your soul. It'll feel like doing this to yourself:

But at the end of the day, you'll be a much more badass person because of it, and will be able to legitimately make fun of this kid:

It's almost here...

-C. Ryback


Thickening Up and Spicy...My Sauce That Is

Hey all, Shop Minister here, greetings from the North. I have a race report from the John Muir endurance race in WI. And as I said, unlike my last race, my sauce is thickening up and spicy.
As I was driving by myself to ride the 6 hour solo I couldn’t but help but think how I miss the rest of the Seagal crew. In a sense, I was dreading the possibility of riding for six hours by myself. I am awful used to riding the trails in a Seagal dominated train. But alas, it was a beautiful 60 degree day and I had gotten the day off so I stayed positive.
I figured that I would be middle pack judging by last performance. I had a goal of keeping a 12mph pace, if I could do that I would be stoked. At the start I was near the front because I just can’t turn that off, I figured I would back off and settle in after the first lap. Otherwise, I knew I would blow apart like a full-suspension Next off a 6 foot drop.
On the first lap I started talking to guys while we were riding. It made the ride more interesting. Second lap, I hung with the group even though we were flying. Third lap I made a decision, I was going to keep up the pace as long as I could because riding and talking with the others was making the race more fun, at least for me( sorry Jones, Dan, Jon, and Travis if I was getting on your nerves). I was back on the single speed, so by keeping up with the geared monsters I was starting to cramp up, big time. I was riding above my head, and definitely above my fitness level.
In the end 34x17 for 6 laps at 12.8mph will get you a little over 63 miles in 5:08:56 and 2nd place. It’ll also make it feel like your muscles are on the outside of your skin the next day. I missed 1st by 7 seconds in a 5 hour race and I didn’t even know it!
A few self-cell phone pics to document the day:

Full Results


2008 Results, So Far

Matt Grothoff
-03/02/08 St. Joe NORBA – DNF Endurance class
-03/16/08 Lost Valley NORBA – 9/15 SS class
-03/29/08 Spoke Pony Showdown – 3/8 6hr Duo, 11/44 Mens Overall
-04/06/08 Ouachita Challenge – 8/23 SS class
-06/08/08 KC Cup – 2/9 SS class
-06/22/08 Truman's Big Love – 5/15 SS class
-06/26/08 Short Track #1 – 18/21 A Race
-07/03/08 Short Track #2 – 17/20 A Race
-07/10/08 Short Track #3 – 11/25 B Race
-07/18/08 Shawnee Mission - 3/6Hr – 4/13 6hr 20-29 Solo, 11/29 6hr Mens overall
-08/16/08 Rapture in Misery – 4/8 12hr Duo
-08/30/08 Tall Oak Challenge – 9/40 6hr Mens Solo
-10/11/08 Burnin' @ the Bluff – Gold Medal

Matt Hoffmeyer
-03/02/08 St. Joe NORBA - 8/8 SS class
-03/29/08 Spoke Pony Showdown – 3/8 6hr Duo, 11/44 overall
-05/03/08 Syllamo's Revenge – 18/20 SS, 131/175 overall
-05/10/08 Castlewood NORBA – 10/12 SS class
-06/08/08 KC Cup – 2/5 Clydesdale
-06/22/08 Truman's Big Love – 3/8 Clydesdale
-07/10/08 Short Track #3 – 14/25 B Race
-07/19/08 Shawnee Mission - 10/13 6hr men 20-29, 20/29 6hr solo overall
-08/09/08 Sunburst Showdown, WORS #8 - 2/3 comp clydesdale, 86/99 comp overall
-08/16/08 Rapture in Misery – 4/8 12hr Duo
-08/30/08 Tall Oak Challenge – 11/21 6hr Mens Duo
-10/11/08 Burnin' at the Bluff – Gold Medal

Greg Sandknop
-03/16/08 Lost Valley NORBA – 10/15 SS class
-03/30/08 Rim Wrecker – 2/11 Marathon class
-04/06/08 Ouachita Challenge – 7/23 SS class
-05/03/08 Syllamos Revenge – 8/20 SS class, 32/175 Overall
-05/31/08 Mohican 100 – DNF SS class
-06/22/08 Truman's Big Love – 2/15 SS Class
-07/10/08 Short Track #3 – 8/27 A Race
-07/17/08 Short Track #4 ?
-08/16/08 Rapture in Misery – 2/8 12 Hr Duo
-08/30/08 Tall Oak Challenge – 14/40 6 hr Mens solo
-10/11/08 Burnin' at the Bluff – Gold Medal

Eddie Klein
-03/02/08 St. Joes NORBA 3/8 SS class
-03/16/08 Lost Valley NORBA - 4/15 SS class
-03/30/08 Rim Wrecker – 4/11 Marathon class
-04/06/08 Ouachita Challenge – 6/23 SS class
-05/03/08 Syllamo's Revenge – 9/20 SS class, 35/175 overall
-05/10/08 Castlewood NORBA – 5/12/ SS class
-05/31/08 Mohican 100 – 23/29 SS class
-07/10/08 Short Track #3 – 17/27/ A Race
-07/19/08 Shawnee Mission 3/6hr – 2/13 Men's solo 20-29, 5/29 6hr mens solo overall
-08/16/08 Rapture in Misery – 3/7 12hr Men's Solo 20-29, 5/12 overall
-10/11/08 Burnin' at the Bluff – Gold Medal

Mike Hanna
-03/02/08 St. Joes NORBA – 5/8 SS class
-03/16/08 Lost Valley NORBA – 12/15 SS class
-04/06/08 Ouachita Challenge – 12/23 SS class
-05/10/08 Castlewood NORBA – DNF SS class
-08/16/08 Rapture in Misery – 4/7 12 hr mens solo 20-29, 7/12 overall
-10/11/08 Burnin' at the Bluff – Gold Medal

Marc Engeldhardt
-03/02/08 St. Joe NORBA – 7/8 SS class
-03/16/08 Lost Valley NORBA – 5/15 SS class
-04/06/08 Ouachita Challenge – 4/23 SS class
-05/10/08 Castlewood NORBA – 3/12 SS class
-06/22/08 Truman's Big Love – 1/15 SS class
-07/17/08 ?

Chris Nitzsche
-08/30/08 Tall Oak Challenge – 11/21 6hr Mens duo
-10/11/08 Burnin' at the Bluff – Gold Medal

Brad Hicks
-04/06/08 Ouachita Challenge – 5/23 SS class
-06/22/08 Truman's Big Love – 3/15 SS class
-08/09/08 Sunburst Showdown WORS #8 – 1/14 comp SS, 4/99 comp overall
-08/16/08 Rapture in Misery – 2/8 12hr Duo
-08/30/08 Tall Oak Challenge – 1/40 6hr Mens Solo

Jim Valentine
-10/11/08 – Burnin' at the Bluff – Gold Medal

Robert - Don't have all of your results - do you have them?

To summarize, we managed 14 podium appearances in 18 different races this season.

At Burnin, you can expect to:

However, we may be riding a prototype of our new bike sponsor:

-C. Ryback