CXMAS recap by LHGNE*

*Let Himself Go Ned Overend

From his blog. I'm sure he uses a different name on his blog for anonymity.


How the Wrench Stole CXmas - By Dr. Casey F. Seuss

Every Crew
down in St. Lou-ville
liked CXmas a lot...

But the Wrench
Who worked at the Hub in Webster Groves...
Did plot!

The Wrench loved CX! The whole CX season!
No need to ask why, I think we all know the reason.
It could be the mud, it could be the cold,
It could be perhaps, that the Pabst is uncontrolled.
But I think that the most likely reason to suffer
may have been that he thinks it makes us so much tougher.

Whatever the reason,
The cold or the mud,
He stood there on CXmas Eve, like a badass stud,
Staring down from the mound with a devious Team Seagal smirk
thinking to himself, "How much harder can I make them work?"
He was talking of course, about the CXmas'ers in their homes,
unbeknownst to them, tomorrow from their mouths would probably come foam.

"We've got presents all wrapped!" as he drank his beer,
"Tomorrow is CXmas, it's practically here!"
Then he burped aloud, with his Superior State of Mind constantly scheming,
"I must find a way to have them screaming!"
For tomorrow he knew...

All the crews on the ground
Would wake up bright and early and rush for the Mound!
And then! Oh the joys! Oh, the boys! toys ploys and Noise!
That's one thing he knew - that our man Jim (Lawman) would bring tons of Noise!

So the Crews, young and old, the first thing they'd do
They'd line up in order - the first with costumes!
There was Santa Boz, The Easter Heine, and T-tocs as a "tree"

That's what the Wrench wanted - lots of CXmas glee!
Oh, and please don't forget 1990's Ned Overend
Both his mustache and technical skillz were hard to comprehend.

They'd do something the Wrench liked most of all!
Every Crew in St. Lou-ville, the tall and the small,
Were sent down the Hamburg, the gravel-a-flinging
They'd ride in a paceline to keep their faces from stinging!

It wouldn't matter what they'd do for the cold would still sting
The more the Wrench thought of the crew-face-sting
The more the Wrench thought, "Driving to checkpoints, I feel like a King!"
"For 53 weeks weeks I've planned up till now!
I must keep CXmas'ers going!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
The Wrench
Got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what they'll do!" the Wrench laughed in time...
"They'll have to grab a gift and then start a climb!"
And he then made it rain, "What a great Wrench-y trick!
"Carrying a gift, they'll look just like St. Nick!"

Unfortunately for most, wrapping gifts takes a lot of time.
And with 132 CXmas'ers, we ran out quickly - now that is a crime!
Good ole' Davey B, he was the first to not get a spokecard
But he did get a gift, thanks to him pedaling hard!

We weren't the only people in the cold that day
As we ran into some hunters, they probably thought we were gay.
They were happy though as we shared some of our loot
Some PBRs in their belly, they thought our Lawman was a hoot!

After the gifts, their wheels pointed up.
For they rode up the Hamburg, where they gift-receiving volunteers said "Sup."
It wouldn't be long before they found a lake and some jerks
The Professor had a surprises, because of these he did smirk:

The menu at Lake 12 called for whiskey and bacon
but it wasn't to be, as the propane was quickly taken
However, Punchor thought ahead, for he would not be shaken.
He had also cupcakes! A fine substitute!
Way more tasty than an East St. Louis prostitute...

But now where was the Wrench you ask? You are most curious.
For he was driving ahead, to keep the CXmas'ers from getting furious.
Making sure they made the correct turn was very important
But despite his best efforts the markings were quite scant.
It wasn't long though before Masson and Casey arrived with Nog!
I don't need to tell you how it made the ride more of a slog...

As the CXmas'ers came though, their ambition grew
3 cups of Nog is how many were put down by Drew!
Once our buddy Todd got wind of this challenge, he consumed 4 egg brews!
Of course it wasn't long before Red Wheel Nick came through
He took one look and slammed 5 as if it were Mountain Dew!

But none of that bullshit compares to the True Champion of Nog
For it was not long before something - someone - emerged from the fog.
Long after the hammerheads had reached the top,
Long after we tired of making jokes about some hunter's fresh plop:
Yes, down the hill rolled none other than Jenkins comma Bob!
If there was anyone that promised epic win, it was certainly this SOB!

It started very innocently, a couple of beverages between buds:
though we soon realized this man was a more than just a stud.It was clear that something drove him beyond a love of holiday drink.
It was a hatred, not love, that drove him to the brink.
He was told that Nick drank 5 then he said with wink,
"No, I'm going to triple it. Fuck him."
With logic like that, made on a whim,
He fought his way through and finished fifteen.
Did I say fifteen? Yes, I said fifteen. And I'm also rhyming fifteen with fifteen.

He left in the same fog through which he came,
However now the fog was mostly in his brain.

He rewards however were not just intrinsic,
for because of his actions he scored some slick tricks!
*courtesy of Mike Bobelak and Polk Audio!

Bob was not the only winner today on that windy lot,
our very own Nic-ward got a hat that was very hard-fought!
He did so on some goofy tires,
however his results do put my loins afire.

There were a select few who ended their race
a top the mound which has never seen movement of this pace!
Devin took top honors, followed by Mitch
It is too easy to rhyme this line using the word "bitch"

What comes up must eventually come down,
something which was no different today on these grounds
Our Wrench though had to be careful because
too many people up top could attract da fuzz.
So it was with that we adjourned to the lot once more
To drink beverages and regale some lore!

What a day in late December this was
CXmas is certainly an event worthy of applause!
My advice to you is to be here next year
'Cause you know that we'll make it rain with moar beer!
And that can always lead to moar holiday cheer.

Unless of course your name is Peat
In which case you make us look weak
by riding your bike to every event you do
and in the process, getting in a century or two!

Thanks to all that came today - it truly blew our minds
I'm going to end this before I actually start speaking in rhyme
Because they call me the Rhyme-nocerous
My rhymes are bottomless...

-Dr. Casey F. Seuss
(Regular Guy)

p.s. *whew*
p.s. see results here!

Merry CXMAS Thanks

Wow. This years CXMAS was truly amazors. I am simply blown away by what occured.
Here are some of the numbers:
-132 non-racers signed in, plus many more who didn't
-over $700+ raised for GORC
-a dozen+ awesome teammates and other volunteers helping on course and setting up
-temperature that I don't think ever made it above 30
-8 cases of PBR consumed
-2 handles of whiskey before it was gone at checkpoint 2
-20 bottles of eggnog consumed

Thank you to all of you that showed up, participated, donated, whatever. I also wish all of you could see the course as originally envisioned. The brains collecting crew we hired would have been overwhelmed by the blown mind matter all over the course had it run as planned. Last minute changes to the route suck, but I understand the reasons and appreciate the care with which the area land manager approached us on that. Top notch. I do want to apologize to those of you that got lost (probably almost all of you). I did not realize so much of the ribbon was taken down. Plus with the last minute course changes I didn't have time to go back and remark all of the course buried in snow, relying instead on the no longer their tape to be good. But you guys and gals are a great group and stuck with it having a blast a long the way. Thanks for being a part of it. You can tell your grandchildren about the time you rode down 25 miles of ice with 130 other people just to pick up 3 lousy zipties.

In my haste to get the prizes out so those there could head home for warmth, I forgot some top-notch prizes that were still in another vehicle at the eggnog station.
Read all about it on the CXMAS blog. You just might be winner.

Also check the key RESULTS at the CXMAS blog too.

And if you weren't there, WTF?!

Stay tuned for Coach's recap and those smooth flowing rhymes.


It Wouldn't Be CXmas without Santa Claus

You better be a good boy and/or girl, otherwise Satan Claus (pictured here) won't give you want you want for CXmas.

That being said, the infamous, crazy, 'roided-out, cursing CX-race psycho biatch isn't invited. Unless she goes on a strict usage regimen on this.

Bring warm clothing, maybe some warm food, and a Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind. We'll be marking the course on friday, so you *shouldn't* have to worry about wandering around in the middle of St. Charles.

-Casey F. Ryback



Ohhh noo! There's been an accident.

Looks like a......

Is that a......


No way Mayne....

thats a Kona.

CXMAS is drawering nearer and nearer. As you can see I, Nico Toscani, most certainly have my CXMAS ride totally dialed, and ready to CRUSH. I cant wait to be shoulder-to-shoulder with all you Jerks on the start line come high noon next Sunday. (Thats right, I do my killin' after breakfast.)

Under Gino's close supervision we have been pre-riding the course and making it more and even moar awesome with each passing day. You all seriously need to get ready. Finalize your battle plans! Flush all of the sand from your tainted under-carriages and let it fall to the Earth! Prepare for yourself that dust-pan and trusty whisk-broom, have it ready to sweep up the pieces of your shattered mind after you've been administored just a single dose of CXMAS!

It has been said before and the author will now tell you again; the KEY to success in this endeavor is simply to make Gino Felino, Mr. Race Director, a happy man. Please him with your feats of strength and Superior Attitudiness and you might be rewarded. Shit, Coarach may even mention you in his simply fabulous, rha-hyming, 2009 CXMAS Re-Cap Poem. That would be sweet. Refer to Crotch's 2008 CXMAS Re-Cap Poem for examples of such Superiority.

Thanks for stopping by, you all really are some beautiful people.

-Nico Toscani


Steven Seagal on Jimmy Kimmel!

Yes, he's on Jimmey Kimmel, and he's wearing an amazing jacket that might be made out of liquid chocolate. Let this be a reminder to you that Lawman is on A&E at 9PM, this Wednesday. Show up to Coarch's house at that time to watch the show. You're invited if you don't suck. OMG.

Also, Jimmy Kimmel doesn't allow embedding for his youtube videos, so you'll have to click on the link:


A CXmas this way cometh...



Old Timey Cross Nat's

Well, I guess the '70s aren't really "Old Timey," but they ain't new. I doubt that anyone competing in CX at that time is still doing it... Keep in mind that this is before the concept of mountain biking had gotten anywhere past Mt. Tam and Repack Hill. Anyone complaining these days about the Bubba courses being to "mountain bikey" needs to see this truth bomb:

By the way, take note of who was the 5th place senior man... (results at 9:45)

Also, huge congratulations to Alex Grman and Martin Lang for taking 4th and 27th in the Under-29 Group B Race! Way to represent STL!

-Casey F. Ryback, Regular Guy

P.S. CXMAS.......


Steven Seagal: Lawman! oh man...

Greetings Team Seagal Loyalistas! If you're anything like us, last Wednesday you were riveted to the TV watching A&E's new program, Steven Seagal: Lawman starring... you guessed it! Steven Seagal! OF course, you may have already known about this revolution in TV Badassery. But did you know that...

... he has set a ratings record for that network? Yeah that's right - more than just us watched that premiere (both episodes!) Gonna be watching it Wednesday as wHell - 9PM at Coach's house! Think about this, if you're not watching, he'll come get you...

Also, there may be some Cxmas-style gravel riding on Thursday with Nico and myself (the Coach) please post up if you want to ride...

-Casey F. Ryback, Regular Guy


Hermann Misery State CX Championships! OOO-WEEE!

Greetings, Team Seagal Fans. Just another day in teh life for Team Seagal - coupla podiums here, shitloads of PBR there... maybe throw in some wings from Wings 'a Blazin... then nap most of the way home... I could get used to this!

First off, I must say that our ranks were somewhat thinned out this weekend. Masson Storm had recently been slightly injured when he got into a fight with the front end of an 18-wHeeler, The Great Puncher of Cocks was out with personal business, Nic-ward had to go and make a living, and I was super weak sauce and had to help marshall the I-64 TT at 6AM that morning, where there were moar pointy helmets and aero-bars than there were Challenge tires, top-tube-mounted cables and canti brakes. Sweet shit. Talk about people on bikes who can't make a turn. But hey, it pay$ the bill$. $o I got there way after the SS race was over, just in time to see some of those old geezers in the geezer class playing in the mud and showing me their pain faces. Mr. Rich Pierce was *C*R*U*S*H*I*N*G* it only losing out to some serious heavy hitters, one of which actually has a Superbowl ring. No shit. And then of course Boob Jenkems got 2nd place! We didn't arrive at the stairs in time though to give Boob a proper Team-Seagal-Welcome-Wagon, as he had already finished in record time, laying waste to all competitors.

Fortunately, I managed to get there after the Chris-Benoit lady went R-R-R-R-R-ROID RAGE (again) this time on a fellow female racer. And knowing what I know about CX chicks, they aren't generally the type of women who you want to screw with. Apparently, you CAN cross-check people with your bike, then DQ yourself by leaving the course to go pout in your car. Seeing as how this is at least the 3rd week in a row that there has been some ridiculous incident involving some bike-rage, it would be appreciated if she made a call to 1-800-NVR-RACE-AGN.

In the other news, our esteemed Wrist Snapper Extraordinare Gino was busy laying a path of horrific wrist destruction in the SS race all the way to S-S-S-S-SECOND PLACE! He endured snot-like ground conditions, 5 dismountable areas, pteradactyl attacks, and a horrendous lack of douchebags being douchey. That's a lie, there were never any pteradactyls. That doesn't even make sense - they've been extinct for like 100 million years. T-tocs knows all about that, as he was seen deliriously babbling to himself about dinosaur extinction theories in the backside hill:
It's funny what you'll find inside the pain cave.

While we were standing and waiting for the 3's race to start over by the slick mud section, there was an epic battle of the hecklers going back and forth between the Columbia crew with their trumpet and debauchery, a number of Team Seagal Soldiers, and even some ladies got into the mix. No photographic evidence was taken, unfortunately, but I'm pretty sure that everyone won. After that business was all over, there was a terrific clash of the titans in the 3's race between our very own Professor and the prolific (emphasis on the "Pro") Matt James. The Professor has a PhD in Propelling himself over barriers whislt not dismounting, which he demonstrated quite handily, and which worked out to his "bene-fist." Gino didn't have enough pain in the 4's race, so he searched around and found more pain in the 3's race, and was saying "FML FML FML." He actually was probably faster than smoother through that slick section than anyone else we saw...

Watching the Professor orate at the barriers was equivalent to attending a Steve Ballmer presentation - SUPER PUMPED UP. Professor professed his way to... FIRST PLACE! When that happened, we were cheering on the sidelines like Steve Ballmer does when he starts a presentation. However, due to the intensity of his glorious battle, Professor did not celebrate with any air violin this time, opting for a moar traditional style:

STLPAF Dave was snapping wrists and breaking hearts where he belongs, in the 1,2 race where he snagged a podium against a tough but surprisingly small field. Where was everyone from the KC side? Doesn't matter, as he earned his delicious, and legal, hand-up:
Back in the SS race, there was a lot of hate and hellfire brewing, ready to be unleashed at any time. A shot was caught of our good buddy Peat about 1.347 second before the point at which he summoned the demons from hell and started crushing people's souls - you can just see the raw evil that he is about to put inside you:

The truth-bombs that were being dropped at this weekend's State Championships race were almost as big as the drops that this kid does on his Like-A-Bike:

Jeff Yielding is truly a badass when it comes to being awesome. It's already been said, but he has put a shitload of work into making this race (and all things cycling-related in Hermann) what it is. Your work does NOT go un-noticed!

Same goes for EVille Mike! Major props on the great photos - it makes it very easy to put together an account of each race.

Next up, Washington Cross next wHeekend, and then Concordia Cross and CXmas the wHeekend after that! Holy shit, what the hell are we gonna do wHen it's all over? We talked to some people in Hermann about how they might or might not come to CXmas. The correct answer is "yes." It will be a fun, no-pressure way to ride your CX bike at the tail-end of the CX season. Don't be weak sauce - get your warm clothing out and sack up. Or if you're a chick, vag' up. This means you, Shweiker - you have to get back at the cold weather after last year. I'm sure Farinella, who is awesome, will be out there, and he should use his great influence over all things Mesa-related to light a fire under their asses. Same with Boz. In fact, the only person who isn't invited is any female CX racer who may or may not be 'roided out to the point of 'ragin.

- Casey F. Ryback


Awe Snap - CXmas isn't too far awhay.

Greetings you jerk. You've never done a badass gravel non-race/ride like this before. Our good friend, Jerkward and myself, the "Crotch," ventured out in search of CXmas enlightenment today and we found it. I'm excited to watch all you jerks suffer... but in a good way. There may be a teaser link some where in this post...

But enough of that foolishness. This weekend there will be serious business afoot. Especially when you're on foot trudging your way up those steps that our buddy Jeff Yielding likes so much. That 48th step is about as annoying as when your bank is bought by another bank and you have to change over all your worthless account info. It's also as annoying as people complaining about beer hand-ups. Our pain faces as we reach the top of that staircase will look almost as bad as Becky, the Queen of Carpets:
Whatever happened to Wanda, anyway?

CX season isn't over yet!

Also, Steven Seagal: Lawman is amazing. Watch it.

-Casey F. Ryback


Bubba #9 - Teh "Fun-ale!" Also, 2009 CXmas!

Greetings Team Seagal Fan! C.F.R. here. Another season of Bubba Cyclocross in the books, and another season that Bubba himself avoids his inevitable fate. After last week's journey into the Pit of Despair, from which no one can escape, we returned to calmer, more friendly park. Bella Fontaine (or "Bellfountain," if you grew up in that area) Park is a large park, which allowed for a totally different course from the last time we were there. Much more variety this time, including my favorite part - a twisty "mountain-bikey" maze through the trees and along a lake, only to vomit us out up this grassy hill (or usually a run-up for the singlespeeders) that became about as slimy as a linoleum floor after I've spilled a half-fermented 2-liter bottle of the Zambian Lung Butter.

We tried to make the course twisty and fun as we could, which would generally work towards my benefit (i.e. slower speeds) but there was still enough in the way of open straights and soft-serve ground to leave me watching everyone pass me up one by one. Well, except for the time when a roadie (who also happens to be a sweaty customer of mine) managed to get hung up in a very easy corner which in turn caused me to have to stop and dismount, and watch as *literally* 15 riders went past me in maybe 7 seconds as I stood there with my thumb up my ass, waiting for space to move. Fucker. I then found myself battling/working together with the guy in the white skinsuit, or "the condom" as he was referred to, but I admit that I might just have to pick up a skinsuit like that if it means I'll go that much faster - he definitely snapped my wrist.

Anyway, rant over - orders came down from HQ sending Punchor of Corcks, Proforssor, Ginor, Sorsha and myself to be deployed to the front lines of 4 out of the 5 categories. Success was had, especially because none of us dropped out after falling on "the root," and thus no one was the target of any 'r-r-r-r-roid rage. Instead, we all had a good time, because that is what amateur bike racing is all about - not losing your shit. It's also about drinking all of our free Porbst Blor Rorbbin.

After suffering through each of our respective categories, we resorted to general hooliganism and all went to the "the root," which was also right next to "the Zambian Run-up" where we all screamed a whole bunch at the A-Racers. It was about this time that the temperature dropped to a "pea-smuggler"-inducing temperature. Here we joined forces with Furby (whom I think regrets his nickname, so we should come up with a new one for him) and Ron and company from one of our main sponsors, The Hub Bicycle Shop. It's always good to see responsible people like Ron screaming at the top of their lungs and offering dollar hand-ups sticking out of their fly. (I like to call those "Ball-Bucks.") We stood there as the nipply wind came blowing off the lake, and we watched our heros - Professor and Gino - slog their way up Mt. Zambia. I didn't feel so bad about having always ran up that slimy hill after seeing Gino also having to do the same, I believe a consequence of the singlespeed. Atop this hill, we also experienced Matt James wanting to help out with course tear-down a little early when he busted right through the tape, arms and legs akimbo, and the fire of a thousand suns burning in his eyes.

In a repeat of his St. Vincent mud performance, Scotty P made that muddy mountain into a molehill - a molehill made by a retarded mole who isn't very good at making molehills. The only guy who went faster on that hill was the seldom-seen-this-season Nate Rice, who went Steven Seagal: Lawman on Jon Schottler, who still took a convincing 2nd. I'm pretty sure that moar mountain bike dudes would have liked this course, such as Moob Jerkems and probably even Butthead. But hey, what do I know what people would have liked? I mean, I actually enjoyed Rambo 4. A LOT.

Thanks to Mike D, "riding29"and Kevin Bonney for the shots!

Feeling slightly euphoric at this point:

Technically, that jersey is illegal - don't tell Buddy!
The Professor, in the middle of a lecture:
CXmas Mastermind:

It is acceptable to smile in cyclocross if you are in possession of a PBR.

Hopefully next week there won't be as many pre-race crashes. Matt Dawson got taken out in the parking lot prior to game time, as did Grrrrrman on a recent Hub Pub Crawl. At least Grrrrrman's wreck was for a worthy cause - a night with booze on bike. Despite these setbacks, both racers still raced and went faster than I did. My only handicap: not being as STLPAF as DaveyB. And that made all the difference.

SO - Bubba may be over, but CX isn't - it isn't even December! (as of today.) We still have Missouri State Championships starring Yielding's Stairway to Hell, Concordia Christmas Cross, and most importantly (and most heinously epicly,) CXMAS.

Speaking of CXmas, we've set up a glorious center of information! Sweet Jesus! Check it out:
It's not too far away(December 20th), so get your ass ready! We're already doing our ancient, mystical weather dance, although instead of employing the yak semen (for good weather) we're employing a special concoction involving goji berries, PBR, and the Steven Seagal sweat. We hope it makes something awesome happen - and we're pretty sure that a brew like that can't lose. And hell, if it does lose, then we'll probably just drink it until it changes our reality in some badass way.

Now THAT can't lose.

-Casey F. Ryback