Midwest Singlespeed Ra... Er... I mean, spontaneous group ride

Greetings, Loyal Team Seagal Fans, teammates, and jerks. This is an exciting time of the season for a mountain biker. The races are starting to come in a more regular frequency, and there are still plenty left for which to get hot and bothered. I know a lot of people are thinking about how little they've been able to race in the dirt this year, (for numerous reasons) but I also know that this weekend's race, I mean, spontaneous group ride, was the cure for that bullshit.

We heard a few whispers of some sort of organized, non-sanctioned, no-entry-fee event to be held in Jeff City back in the early part of the season, like at Lost Valley. Well, it was this Sunday, and you probably missed it, deciding instead to sit at home and watch the news all day, only to find out that the only other interesting thing that happened was that Billy Mays died. It's okay, I actually cried a little bit too at the loss of his magnificent beard. But yeah - you shoulda been at the race, I mean, spontaneous group ride that was loosely organized by those Red Wheel jerks.

Team Seagal HQ deployed a 6-man unit for a full-frontal assault on Binder Lake trails. Recently declassified documents show that 6-man unit to include Mason Storm, Forrest Taft, Cockpuncher, Jonathon Cold, the good Doctor Wesley McLaren, and myself - Casey Ryback. The good Doctor was somewhat hard to reach though, as he has been spending a lot of time out on the greens of the TC Man Golf Course, where there is little in the way of direct communication. I'm told he was on the back nine when he received his deployment orders.

The rest of us extracted ourselves from the places where we woke up, and made the trek over to the trailhead with *just* enough time to get our shit together and line up. (Fortunately for us, no time had to be needlessly spent paying entry fees and registering and getting one-day licenses. Not today.) After teh shortest Le Mans-style start evar, we were man-training through the woods at breakneck speed. I found myself patiently picking dudes off, which was going super well, until I came up behind one Bob Jenkins, who had that look in his eye... you know the look, where a dude is more interested in rasslin' than ridin'. I was like "No thanks Bob, I don't want to wrestle you now, I just want to get past you." He was then like "Okay, maybe I'll just 'rassle with Nick later after the race. I bet I can rip his underpants out..." (Note: dramatization - may not have happened.) I even passed the Doctor as he started to make a wrong turn, which allowed me put a gap that I *somehow* kept the rest of the race/SGR. I finished in 6th place, nearly catching up to our buddy Dan Miller who took 5th by like .34 seconds. (He modestly says that he hasn't been riding the mtb much this year, but I think that his 100% lack of body fat does something to help him go fast regardless.) Drew had a a tough time keeping his chain on - but I think he just has been spending too much time on the geared bike.

Forrest Taft didn't just pop his mountain bike race cherry, he pulled a "Gallagher" on that cherry by crushing the 3 laps, the whole time battling with teammate Jonathon Cold. They crossed the line with Jonathon *narrowly* edging him out for 21st place. If you look at the results, you'll see a 1 second gap between them:

A healthy crowd showed up to cheer on and support the 39 men and women that showed up to competitively ride in this spontaneous group ride. The weather was a HUGE departure from the most recent soul-crushing heatwave. Mid-80s, and a cool breeze filtering through the trees kept everyone super comfortable. The trail was freshly-weed-eated, and in perfect shape. HEAR THAT? NO RAIN, MUD, OR OPPRESSIVE HEAT - SHOULDA BEEN THERE!

It was AFTER the race/SGR that the real action started, though. When you take a bunch of tired/hungry mountain bikers, add PBR and 40's, add BBQ, mix with good company, and you have a great time on your hands. And a lot of homo-erotic grab-ass. Some crappy pictures I snapped off:

This group of geniuses was on their way to cram 5 people into one crap-filled inflato-rowboat:
Some of that grab-ass I was referring to, where Bob ripped Nicks underpants:
Farinella juicin' 40's with Nick:
Nick's ass, with a Gorbachev-esque spatula-shaped mark on his ass:
Future singlespeeder:
I'm the lyrical gangsta, and Mason was the "crunk" gangsta, and slept the whole way home:
"You want some food, Mason?"
*barely audible* "burger n fries"

Something worth mentioning that wasn't captured on film: Doctor getting tea-bagged. Not by choice.

Things that are happening this week: Dirt Crit #1 and a Middlefork ride next Sunday! Stay tuned, because you are invited to BOTH. Seriously, dude - you can even invite your grandma, who is probably looking for some excitement anyway, which is why she was in Hawaii:

-Casey F. Ryback



We interrupt your scheduled ogling of Tropical Storm Mason's gorgeous Kona Major One (one of the first in existence, I might add) to bring you this exclusive interview with "Clubber" Lang, played by the notoriously-badass Mr. T. We send an correspondent to ask him about this Sunday's Singlespeed race, to be held at Binder Lake in Jeff City. The correspondent, though, has this thing though where he calls races "fights." Clubber puts it well:

This Sunday, the Party People at Red Wheels Bicycles are throwing a party, I mean a MIDWEST SINGLESPEED CHAMPIONSHIPS at their beloved trail system at Binder Lake. Come see our very own Forrest Taft get his mountain bike racing cherry popped! He's no stranger to competition though, as he has been busy snapping wrists under the radar this year at Penrose Park on his Kona Paddywagon. Better protect your wrists.

See this poster (found at howtoavoidthebummerlife):

Complaining about a lack of mountain bike races? Tired of those roadie chumps having all the fun of having 2-3 races a week in which to participate? Come to Jeff City on Sunday. Seriously man, what else will you be doing - watching 7th Heaven reruns? You dork...

And after all this fun business at Binder is over with, make sure to remember to show up to the Short Track races every thursday in July! It's all the pain and suffering of CX, only with 90+ degree heat instead of toe-numbing cold. Oh, and no whining roadies show up to the Dirt Crits. Seriously, I'm in terrible shape AND my bike is over 20 years old - but I'll be racing. What's your excuse?

-Casey F. Ryback


From The Team Seagal Culture Desk

Greetings rabid Team Seagal fan. I must apologize to you, for this year seems much more quiet than recent years. There have not been as many races (unless you're a road fanboi) due to an inordinate number of weather cancellations, AND the unfortunate lack of KC-area XC/endurance races from our jerks/buddies over at Heartland Race Promotions. Man, those Landahl races were the shiznit. We would be all over the upcoming KC Cup in September, to be held at the newly constructed Swopes Park, but that is the SAME weekend that we'll be riding the D9 Bulldozer! Nothing personal, just business; especially since all first-hand reports of Swopes to me have been fucking glowing. At least there's still Rapture in Misery. Oh mama! Things will pick up soon, as Short Track draws near, as do some of the endurance races of later in the season, and the CX series comes back this fall.

So until the next badass race report, fear not: we have something for your mind. One of our esteemed sponsors, Kona Bikes, is awesorme. Even moar cool is our man at Kona, Cory, who regularly keeps us rolling on this sickest bikes out there. He's even cooler than the Corey's - yes, THOSE Corey's. Well has a few things to talk about, as do a few other cats over there. Check out their site for random streams of consciousness and occasionally well-constructed thoughts:

The "COG":


While perusing those places, I suggest listening to Sepultura's album "Beneath the Remains" or "Arise." Holy shit, talk about some of the best shredding to come out of the '90s speed/thrash metal scene. The type that would make Jack Johnson's perfect beach life less "chillin'."

Pssst! Short Track soon...

-Casey F. Ryback


The Sunday TC Man' Ride

Greetings to all jerks, specifically Jerkward and Jerktor. (Let's see... Jerkson Storm, Casey Jerkback, Jerko Felino, Jerk Ministor, Cockjerker/Jerkpuncher, Jerkall Lawson... I could go on forever.) In an effort to reduce overall weakness, we shall be continuing the inconsistent tradition of a Sunday morning ride into greatness, leaving from the TC Man. This isn't quite a mythically epic ride, but rather, a good solid 2.5-3 hours with some West County Hills. I have to be at work at 12, as do several other people, so the aim is to be back by 11:15, 11:30 at the very latest. Something to keep in mind though, this ride is:
When: 8am, this sunday 6/14 weather permitting. I'm not showing if it is raining, which it might. keep an eye on the forecast.
Where: TC Man (14367 Manchester Road)
Where to: Westward bound

Why: Because what are you going to do, spend time with the family? Just look at what could happen if you do that:Or even this:
I think you know what needs to be done.

In other news, congrats to our Soldiers who ventured over to SoBoCoMo to compete at the MWFTS #5! Gino in 3rd place in SS Class, and Jonathon Cold (our newest inductee) taking home 1st place in Beginners! This race saw Jerward and Cockjerk/Jerkpuncher finish 6th and 9th, respecively, in the SS class. So if the SS class only counted multiples of three, we would have podium sweepage! Jerktor snapped wrists all day for a 5th place finish in a stacked marathon class. The marathon class also saw the return of Marshall Lawson, who heard something about there being a nearby skatepark that is frequented by young boys, and couldn't resist. Whatever his motivation was, it was good enough to take 16th out of 24.

Don't forget about Short Track... only a few weeks away...


(This post was made moar teh funnies by awkwardfamilyphotos.com)


Mr. Jones: "Ahh, man." Craig: "Hey dad. What happened to you?" Mr. Jones: "I got bit in the ass today son, by a stinkin' ass filthy dog."

It's Friday. Many greetings to all you jerks out there. I am Nico Toscani, we will discuss the title of this post in just a minute here. First, I better come clean...I am the one who skipped town without finishing the Rhett's Run post. That race was really rad and some cool shit went down, most important of which is documented in the new header photo located just above these words. Kickin' Ass up there on his Big Unit is newly acquired team member Jonathan Cold. Team Seagal's first pick in the 2008 draft, Mr. Cold spent the past several months in our farm system under close supervision of Team Physician, Wes McLaren, MD. Administrating a restricting regime of Chubb Monday's and fine Chinese Herbs, Dr. has cultivated in young Jonathan an insatiable desire to distribute wrist carnage throughout the beginner class. Last Sunday June the seventh young Jonathan lined up for his third ever race and went ahead did exactly what we told him to do: he snapped every damn wrist he encountered on his way to becoming MWFTS Missouri State Champion!

Rhett's Run was tempting enough attract four other Seagal soldiers and one Robort to its various starting lines as well. Myself, Gino Felino, and Cock Puncher signed up in the Team Seagal Class while Doctor and Robort raced their SS's in the endurance category. Thank you to the ninja photographers [that we never saw] who took the following baller photos of your favorite heroes administering destruction throughout their respective race classes. Team Seagal fan please take note, the '09 kits have arrived!

Start of the SS Race. I got a nice jump at the start and entered the singletrack in great position.

'Puncher in Pursuit

XTR DR is totally Rad

Gino/ #3 punched someone in the foot with his face just before this one

This is Jonathan Cold's Wrist Snappin' Machine, aka HOG JAWS

Finally, here are all the big dogz lined up for the PRO/expert race:

Those photos were grrrrreart! Now I want you to know what was so important that it kept me from finishing my blog post. Me, my Dr. friend, and Jonathan Cold got up in the early am hours and drove for nine hours until we were deep into the interior of good ol' Rocky Top. Knoxville, TN is where we finally stopped our car in order to have our minds melted by some of this:

The following day it took another nine hours to return ourselves safely back to within Missouri state lines. It was really good for me to return to my own bed, I slept great and when I woke up and it was Friday. I determined an easy ride on my new Kona Major One would be awesome, perhaps leaving me feeling good and ready to kick some ass at work later on in the PM. I pedaled into Forest Park and had rattled off a few 4.5 mile FoPo Century Laps before I ran into Davey B, aka PRO-as-they-come Rhett's Run champion. We jumped on the bike path and chilled out until we hit his exit and he left the park for work. I continued on alone and soon came up on a woman walking her dog. She was within her lane and her medium-sized, mixed-breed dog was certainly leashed. I moved over a lane and began to ride around them, but was met with much resistance. The woman glanced over her shoulder and thought I was 'coming in hot.' She totally freaked out, yanked on her dog's collar and pretty much sicked his ass on my ass! No shit, as I swerved around them he got a piece of me drawing blood and tearing my shorts:

I was pretty rattled and the woman immediately starting blaming the incident on me for not calling "on your left" soon enough. I guess she could not hear my smooth-ass SS drivetrian as I approached and then resorted to desperate measures when she realized her frail wrists were about to be snapped. Either way, work was pretty cool and I am going to BBQ braquitos tomorrow with D to the R at the T.C. Man. PEACE!


Penrose # 5

Well the 5th of 6 races has now come and gone, and all I can say about track racing is...well I am hooked! It's bike racing in its purist of forms. To all those reading this post who have yet to make it out there, you are missed, and are really missing out on some serious action and training. Budski Photography came out to shoot some pics, and you can check them all out on STLbiking. Big props to Dave(our Pabst rep) for making it yet another cold beer filled event! Also shout out to our homies Team Trail Monster for making the long drive from O-Town to come enjoy the evenings racing! Results here. Next week is the last regular season race....will you be there!?!



Wilson Lake, Kansas Ride Report - There IS riding in KS!

Greetings loyal Team Seagal Fan! I have been in teh middle of an unfortunate racing-drought as of late, mostly due to a fairly shitty work schedule. Fortunately, I actually DO have a work schedule, unlike many people these days. My only days off are during the week, so I have to jump at any chance I get to ride new places. This past Monday, I had the opportunity to get introduced to a new trail system with an old college riding buddy. And if there's one thing I enjoy, it's getting the opportunity to snap moar wrists in other parts of the country.

My buddy (who lives in KC) calls up and says "I have the day off, and we're going deep into the depths of Kansas to do some badass riding."
"Waaa...But Dude, I only have a day off, and that is like 8 hours (one-way) away! Waaa..." I replied.
"Shut your goddamned mouth and pack your shit. We're going."
"Yes sir."

Once you get to Wilson Lake, it is just as far to go to the Rocky Mountains as it would be to get back to St. Louis. It's a little tempting as you're getting ready to head home.

So this would afford me a chance to finally get to ride my new baller-ass cranks:

Next up, a headbadge made out of diamonds, or maybe a hot midget for a saddle.

In a nutshell: This trail is laid out around a small corner of Wilson Lake, which is huge. There is a 15 mile main loop, with several bail-out options for those who only feast on weak sauce. Very easily singlespeed-able, with huge amounts of awesome available at each turn. There's a handful of super-fun technical sections that make you want to get off your bike and try it again multiple times, even though it is a mostly fast, flowy trail.

Some photos taken on/of the trail:

Two photos taken of the same section of trail, from different points of view (open full-res for full effect):

Some more shots:

I nearly ran over about 20 of this little dude's brothers and sisters (look carefully):
If you're wondering what my facial expression looks like when I'm sharting (not that I ever have) it probably resembles this one pretty closely:

Did I mention who is a major creator/caretaker of this system? One Mr. Doug Chambers, whom we met and spoke with on the trail - super friendly dude who was giddy with excitement that out-of-towners were riding his trail. Arrow points to him:

This trail was a fuck-ton of fun. I think I know why Doug Chamber's son, Cameron, is so unbe-fucking-leivably fast - he always has a trail like this to ride. If I had easier access to this place, I'm fairly sure that I'd be on the mountain bike a little moar often, especially since they don't see much rain there. Shit, here in St Louis our trails get more year precipitation simply in the form of tears from people crying about cancelled races than Wilson Lake gets in actual yearly rain.

We rode for hours, got super sunburnt, and returned to the car nearly out of water. Then it was off to Denny's, though we did discuss the possibility of making the drive to Dos Primos. The fun factor on this trail is through the roof.

My day was nearly spoiled at the gas station though, when I happened to lay eyes on this piece of shit redneck truck with the testicles (or "truck-sticles" as a friend of mine puts it) on the bumper:If you have these on your truck/car, you should know that YOU are the reason why hamsters eat their young - because hamster parents don't want their offspring to have a chance to somehow develop the ability to own a vehicle and attach these things to the bumper. Let's think about this some more - ours is a society where you can't see breasts on TV, but you can see a big fucking nutsack on a bumper.

I was a little shaken up from the nutsack incident, but my day quickly turned around when I coincidentally came across an interesting warning label on my jar of peanuts. I was relieved because it looks like the good people at Kraft are doing what they can to keep Robort from causing more damage:

Let's recap: next time you are going through Kansas on your way to the mountains, take a few hours to ride Wilson Lake, since it is only like 10 minutes off Hwy 70.

In other news, coming up soon is the MWFTS race at Cosmopolitan Park in Columbia on the Rhett's Run trail. Sounds like there should be a great turnout. And don't forget - the Castlewood Dirt Crits are coming in July! BE THERE OR BE A SHITHEAD

-Casey Fucking Ryback