Dirt Crit #2

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan. (Holy shit, we have fans.) Another furious and fabulous Dirt Crit in the books. Furious because of the rick-deez-ulous competition going on, and Fabulous because of the high quality of production from all those working with the man, the myth, the mother fucker who will be in Colorado riding his damn bike all the way up until the night before next week's dirt crit - Pfoodman. (Jealousy can spawn cursing. Bastard.)

The order came from the Team Seagal War Room, located deep within Mount Energor that has air filters in case of the dreaded jenkem attack from CFR; the order being to dispatch 3 worthy soldiers and one honorary soldier to tonight's race. And it was so.

Gino was our lone soldier valiantly smashing dreams and tearing souls apart in the A Class. Unfortunately for him, Buddy read off new USAC (hehehe, you sack) rules prior to the starting gun. These rules stated that it is now illegal to use "Wildey" in a race, mainly because "it makes a real mess:"

So without the use of Wildey, Gino was to rely simply on his finely-tuned wrist-snapping abilities. No problem. A shot of Gino at the height of demonification:

That bike behind him is actually leaning against a recently-dispatched racer-corpse that he left to rot in the sun. No time to stop and clean up the mess. (thanks to stlbiking "Rob" for this photo)

Once the A field was laid to waste, it was time to unleash the fury upon the B Race, a task that was set to two soldiers due to the sheer size of the B field (a size that could be evened out with the A race by having some of the top repeat-B racers cat up where they belong...) So it was set, the Great Puncher of Cocks and myself, Casey F. Ryback were strategically placed within the B-field ranks in places that would allow for the most amount of death and destruction to be wreaked.

My mind was set for destruction, after a long, heavy day of paying my respects to the soon-to-be-closed TC Man. Many a day was spent there, and today was spent grilling delicious tubular meats, cleaning my bikes, and playing a few holes of TC Man Golf. The high point of the day being when some hopeless 20 year old came in asking if they were hiring, only to find all four TC Man Golfers unable to hold in their laughter since the place is only going to be open for 2 more days. We considered hiring him for 2 days simply to clean the toilet and de-stink-ify the bathroom that has endured 20+ years of domination that I can't even imagine. It shall be missed, in the same way you miss your beloved shitbox of a first car from high school.

So back to the B Race. Guest Badass Mark Laytham sent us off in a flurry of slipped pedals and poorly-executed heavy-torque upshifts. Guns were a'blazin' as we formed quite the man-train in a counter-clockwise fashion towards the dreaded creek crossing. As we progressed through the creek, surveillance photos were taken of our heros:
DirtCrits7-9-09 019
Peat narrowly escaped an untimely fate here.

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'Puncher was given specific instructions not to, ahem, "dispatch" with this fellow racer, as he is actually a friend of mine from 'way back competing in his first(?) race. So instead he decided to blow his mind by showing him the most badass-looking kit and badass-performing bike on course (same as Gino) - the Muthuh Fucking Big Unit.

Demonstrating how to "look where you want to go, not where you don't want to go"
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(thanks to Ms. Ryback for these last three pics)

Of course, this awesome race series is just as much about being able to be out socializing with fellow badasses as it is about racing, and therefore afterwards there was much in the way of beer-swizzling and watching and then laughing as 1/2 of Team Trail Monster pulled a hardcore-wheelie-turned-hilarious wheelie across the finish line, only to land straight on his backside, thus destroying the saddle. Fantastic.

If only there was moar sunlight. Oh well, I'll just take advantage of the poorly-timed caffeinated drink that I consumed after the race to type this race report on my new keyboard:

This totally makes my internets moar baller.

This weekend we are dispatching troops BOTH to Sac River for the Midwest Fat Tire race down there, AND up to Wisconsin to join forces with Team Seagal MKE to participate in the newest installment in the WEMS Series, the Levis/Trow 100:

Me? I'll be living my life as a bike shop employee all weekend. Read an accurate description of that here. So yeah, I won't be in Colorado, Wisconsin, or Springfield. *sniffle*

The "F" is for "fucking,"
-Casey F. Ryback

p.s. - stay tuned for the our up-coming non-race schedule.


Sandbox/Gino said...

I sooo want to see photographic type documentation of TTM's wheelie of death. I missed the best part of last night.

Also I am stating here that I will no longer forget to switch my bike into dirt crit gearing before the race. My legs still feel like they are spinning.

CockPuncher said...

That was a great time. I'm still sweating! Going from an 18t to a 16t was a LOT better for me. Now I just need to remember to switch it back before the weekend. Good times. We need to go out to Penrose and swipe a case of tall boys from TSM before the next one...

Doctor Goscinski said...

Nice report Coarch. I went disguised as a lowly, and possibly slightly drunk, spectator to do some recon as ordered by the Team Seagal War Room. All intelligence points to reinforcements being sent to the Seagal Front for next weeks event.
You guys are a bunch of jerks.

Peat said...

Damn! That was so much fun last night I think I ruptured some internal organs. I'm going to have to call in some red wheel backup after Ryback put a personal hit out on me. Hopefully, a couple of them can sober up and make it next week.

Forrest Taft said...

Off subject:

Forrest Taft's final Major One parts have arrived via The Hub (Damn, they hook it up!!!)

Prepare for preveiw in a few days.

In the meantime: Snap Wrists, Keep a superior attitude, and praise the chinamen.

Mason Storm said...

you need to just go out to Penrose!
2009 Non-Race #1 2nd Annual Chubb Challenge is schedule for next Sunday July 19 at Noon.
See you there!
Tropical Milwaukee Visiting Mason Storm

Matt Schweiker said...

Dango, I need to do one of these things. F-in work. Will one of you jujitsu spittin' chaps nunchuck my employer to the head?

Also, where were you ladies today? Total sausage fest at the MOStates without you.

Taggort said...

-CFR- as for TC Man: we need to make sure that the Vault of All Diseases, i. e. the 'sticker fridge' is opened wide just prior to the final exit from the premises!

Casey Ryback said...

Fear not, Taggor! For Robort has dispensed with that fridge many moons ago. I think it is the walls of the bathroom that are now the real hazardous situation.

Team Trail Monster said...

What day is it? Since the Wheelie of Death I can no longer read a calendar without pictures. Insanity has set in...I actually took a 20 mile road ride on the Bianchi SS Saturday morning before I dominated the 40+ Cat at MoStates...Yes dominated the 2 rider field, so much that I might have taken 3rd overall in the Beginner Cat on my SS.
As well, TTM is looking forward to Non-Race#1!

Doctor said...

I think that on the final day of TC Man we need to have an upper decking party, with celebrity guest appearances by CFR, DR, the Robortion, and Jerk Tagorgt. Sad thing is, it probably wouldn't make the bathroom smell any worse than it already does.

Marc said...

TC Man is finally done! Wow, what store is the Dr being sent to now to slowly ride to the abyss?
Also,I heard tale in MKE that Greg has been snapping wrists like pretzel sticks in the A race. Good job Gino!

P.S. Death Wish 3 is by far the best one. One of the best lines: Old man looking at bloody things on booby trap board: "What are those"
Bronsen: "Teeth"

Doctor Goscinski said...

DR is off to start AZ to start the SW chapter of Team Seagal, although I was offered a highly tempting position at FLO upon returning from Ragbrai. Man it stinks in here.