Non-Race #2 - Lost Valley Night Relay - Recap

Greetings Team Seagal Fans! As I sit here in my own fart cloud that smells like an omelet, I am attempting to reminisce about what hath transpired this evening. In the paraphrased words of our good buddy Brian Busken, "The Chubb Challenge (Non-Race #1) and this Non-Race is the most fun I've had on a bike in a long time. By the way, I like how my faux-mullet looks, and I'm thinking of growing a real one." Actually, he may or may not have said that last part, but the most-fun-on-a-bike part is true. You tell us, does Brian look ready for action or not?

Maybe some hot inbred action. I mean, let's be honest - a mullet doesn't have the same power-infusing abilities that a mustache or a beard has. But like I was saying, these Non-Races are all about fun and challenging yourself. The only way to fuck it up is to not have fun.

Having met a surprising number of participants at the Mound parking lot, it was game time. We actually ran out of spoke cards. Yeah, that's right. The idea: ride really fast for two laps, while your partner rides really fast for two more laps. The course was in phenomenal shape, save for a rock garden on the final singletrack descent leading up to the gravel climb that was more slippery than Robort's face after a night with... well, you get the idea.

Anyway, several different groups showed up, including a healthy contingent of Momentum dudes, several Ghisallo riders, and even a big showing from one of our best sponsors - The Hub! Yes, even Ron left the pavement for one night in order to be reminded of just how hard this mountain biking thing is. Thanks for the support!
Plus several other wrists just waiting to be snapped. One person most conspicuously absent was Furby. Rumor has it that he was busy at home playing with his He-Man action figures. (He likes to take He-man's loin cloth off. That's all I'm gonna say.) Furby - can I still get that free eightball for having a life-sized cut-out of you?

The lap times were all smokin' fast, and the PBR cooler was emptied in a most smokin' fast fashion. Lap after lap was crushed out, and it looks like Jeremy Bock (Team Big and Tasty) had the fastest lap with 18:38. Someone may have had a faster lap, but we'd have to do some really tedious advanced math involving subtraction, and seriously, you probably wouldn't want to do it either.

Here we have the Tropic Storm himself, saying "Seriously dudes, after I attempted to eat El Diablo I had a brown baby boy come out of me the next morning THIS BIG!"

In the year of Energor, the results/times are as follows:

1st - Team Big and Tasty (Mitch Johnson, Jeremy Bock) - 18:58/38:01/57:06/1:16:16
2nd - Rock Hard (Rock Wamsley, Dave Smith) - 21:15/42:33/1:04:04/1:24:29
3rd - Team Mullet (Brian Busken, Caleb Hulsey Chris ?) - 21:37/44:51/1:06:03/1:28:12
4th - TC Man Men (Coach, Marshall Lawson) - 22:04/44:40/1:06:46/1:28:12
5th - Momentum (Jason Pryor Keith Weinkein) - 22:34/44:11/1:07:52/1:29:56
6th - T'aints of Steel (Mike Barro, Walter Davis) - 21:55/45:20/1:08:33/1:32:27
7th - Team Rockhounds (Jeff Powell, Steve Timm) - 24:12/46:12/1:08:58/1:33:33
8th - Bryan Adams, Steph Adams - 25:10/53:12/1:14:35/1:35:49
9th - D00dz (Greg Ott, Jason Roberts) - 20:18/51:25/1:11:22/1:41:19
10th - Team Funhouse (Scott Lankford, Damon Moore) - 27:21/52:45/1:19:50/1:45:19
11th - Hub Bitches (Ron Clipp, Devin Clark, Andy Borger Chris Saxton) - 24:35/55:15/1:25:46/1:46:51
12th - Super Dave (Todd Hecht, Dave Dalasio) - 24:44/48:05/1:24:15/1:47:30
13th - Judd and Gino (Judd Myers, Gino Felino) - 30:43/57:54/1:24:45/1:49:00
14th - Nikko, Zach - 34:15/1:00:27/1:28:43/1:54:10
15th - Christopher, Margarette - 28:48/1:06:39/1:28:22/1:59:32

Holy shit that was a lot of monotonous typing. Now I kind of want to go find some Zambian street children to score some jenkem to get that sense of euphoria back that I had when I was watching Ron and Devin try to carry their cooler back to the car, up the *big* gravel hill, together, while both riding their bikes. Unsuccessfully, I might add. Wish I had a photo of that.

Big thanks to Craig Seibert who helped out in the set-up, execution, and tear-down of all related materials to today's glorious battle. It always sucks to have to do everything yo'self.

Mr. Steel T'aint himself, Mike Barro, saw fit to take some reconnaissance photos during the event. It is my belief that he is actually using them in a New-England-Patriots-style-scheme to capture our strategies and training techniques on film, and use them to his advantage while training, with hopes of beating us even worse than he already does. Photos viewable here: http://picasaweb.google.com/bicicletta.tech/NonRaceLostValley82109#

On the way home, I saw first hand the kind of devestation that the Koolaid Man bringeth:

Next on our plate: Tall Oak Challenge, the D9 Bulldozer, Burnin, Non-Race #3, and then CX....

-Casey F. Ryback


Chris Wurster said...

Never underestimate the power infusing abilities of the wife beater t-shirt.

DR said...

Energor is pleased and smiles upon you all, and has blessed all former TC Man Men with gigantic balls. Get ready for the D9 bulldozer, OH YEAH!!!!

Christian Stitz said...

I believe one of the gents from the Hub lost a shim for his light. I almost peed on it this morning. I found both pieces so contact me Hub dude if you want your shimmies. Gino, make it rain, I mean happen. I also found a driver's license by the mound, Brian Radle? something from St. Charles. Anyone? I'll just put it in the mail.

Brian said...

Playing with He-Man figurines in sandboxes is better than sex.

Was a life-sized representation of me ever produced? If so, I never saw it.

No eight ball for you!

Every time I feel lonely, I offer a prayer to Energor: "Oh great Robot-God, please give me the strength to smoke bags of shit another day. Jenkem is the one true meaning of human existence. For this I am truly grateful."