20090911

Singlespeed World Championships Cast and Crew

Loyal Team Seagal Fans. Today... I consider myself... to be... the luckiest Jork on the face of the Earth. The reason for this is because myself, and 6 other brave (stupid? drunk? horny?) troops are lucky enough to have secured orders for deployment to Durango, Colorado where we will do battle against the likes of BikeSnobNYC, Carl Decker, Marla Step, Jesse LaLonde, Barry Wicks (fellow Kona rider), Adam Craig, Travis Brown, NED FUCKING OVEREND, just to name a few. Word is that Jesus himself might also be making this the spot for his second coming, but then, we heard that from Perez Hilton, and he isn't very reliable. We are unbelievably excited to be a part of this event, as we have been planning for it for nearly a year. That's almost 2 years!

Monday we shall set a course westward, and these are who is being sent from our team:

Casey F. Ryback
Credentials: Ex-Navy Seal, expert in martial ars, explosives, weapons and tactics, Silver Star, Navy Cross, Purple Heart with Cluster
Weapon of Choice: Kona Big Unit

Mason Storm, seen here:

Credentials: "The most unstoppable sonofabitch I ever knew."
Weapon of Choice: Kona Big Unit

Gino Felino

Credentials: Willing to cut off your head and piss down your throat.
Weapon of Choice: Kona Big Unit

Nico Toscani

Credentials: "You don't want to catch him without no gun, 'cause what he does with his hands, makes bullet holes look pretty."
Weapon of Choice: Kona Kula Deluxe

Dr. Wesley McLaren

Credentials: "Call the next man on the list." "There is no next man on the list."
Weapon of Choice: Kona Kula Deluxe

Forrest Taft

Credentials: "My guy in D.C. tells me that we are not dealing with a student here, we're dealing with the Professor. Any time the military has an operation that can't fail, they call this guy in to train the troops, OK? He's the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he could piss in your campfire! You could drop this guy off at the Arctic Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear, without his toothbrush, and tomorrow afternoon he's going to show up at your pool side with a million dollar smile and fist full of pesos. This guy's a professional, you got me? If he reaches this rig, we're all gonna be nothing but a big goddamned hole right in the middle of Alaska. So let's go find him and kill him and get rid of the son of a bitch!"
"You wanna know who he is? Try this: delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate fucking nightmare. And that won't come close to that son of a bitch when he gets pissed."
Weapon of Choice: Kona Unit

Marshall Lawson

Credentials: "There are just two things you need to know about this Lawson. One, he's a bad motherfucker. And two, he's a bad motherfucker.
Weapon of Choice: Easter Bike


Before departing, we shall be warming up our wrist-snapping muscles in Hermann during Bearcat CX.

PREPARE.

YOUR.

T'AINTS.



-CASEY.

FUCKING.

RYBACK.

7 comments:

Doctor said...

Holy shit. That was amazing.

Nico Toscani said...

Coarch, what is DURANOG?

Casey Ryback said...

it is the most durable nog known to man, and we shall be using it at this year's CXMAS, you jerk.

-Croarch

seamonkey said...

That looks to be about 300 pounds of beer. Score!

CockPuncher said...

YOU ARE ALL....JERKS. BTW, Reno, NV is a stinking, bloated rat ass-hole floating in a giant bowl of fuck. I rode Chubb yesterday! Yippee.

Chris Wurster said...

Right on soldiers go get'em. Truly a great event (managed to get into '05 for my first wrist snapping race) and have been hooked since.

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