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Bellafontaine Park CX

Team Seagal Loyalistas! We haven't had a ton of chatter on this "blorg" regarding all-out CX just yet, but don't let that fool you. I mean, holy shit - we're a little through the Bubba CX series, and our wrists are getting more and more tempered every day. Tempered with the dwindling weakness of our opponents and fueled by PBR, brats and chilli, we soldier on despite warm summer-like temperatures.

We have seen extended climbing at Jefferson Barracks, mud/costumes/pain at Creve Coeur Lake, ground as soft as Michael McDonald (formerly of Doobie Brothers fame and now competing with Kenny G at the Elevator Music Awards) at Faust Park, and now we've seen twisty, tire-brapping grass at Bellafontaine Park.

I lined up with the SS/C/Women race alongside Sasha Petrosevich, Jack Taggart, Jonathon Cold, The Great Punchor of Cocks, and a number of other notable adversaries. It wasn't long before the my day of waking up at 5AM, setting up the course and little eating or drinking caught up with me. I was getting passed left and right, only passing the guys who would wash out. I thought to myself, "OOOO-WEEE! why the shit did we have to go and make this course this hard?" Within 3 laps, my back pulled a Pizza-The-Hut and started eating itself to death. I was able to watch Cock Puncher chase down some floozy as they both passed my bloated carcass. Unfortunately, she was not a he and therefore did not have a cock to punch. I fought off the burning urge to dismount and "accidentally" fall onto some upturned wooden stakes. I also fought off Boob Jerkins, who made his nickname more clear as he was attacking me from behind...

It was not long after this photo was taken that he was disqualified for cheating due to unfair performance advantage.

There was one racer I managed to stay ahead of. You would have heard him coming from across the course, as he was breathing like a tortured dog in 120 degree heat. He passed me at one point before the Hermann-esque hillside, but I then managed to take that place back amidst a flurry of grunts and moans. I was running from him like a new inmate runs to protect his butthole. No photos were taken, but here is an artist's conception of the chase:

We got to see the Professor's Wife's new rare Kona, which was totally sweet. Speaking of the Professor, his skill with which he strikes deep into the heart of the A Class is mind-blowing. However, no one was safe from Butthead's late-race attack. He was lying in the pack much like a the razor Krusty-O sits in the box of regular Krusty-O's - just waiting to inflict a lot of pain, and you can't do anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of us were spectating while riding down Jenkem River on the Cleveland Steamer, a ride onto which Drewballs was quick to hop.

Some photos of us in action (Thanks to Mike D.):






We did well, despite the presence of carbon tubular wheels/tires in the C Race - definitely where they are needed. Another dude who is doing sensationally is Jeff Yielding, taking 2nd today, and is riding up with teh big dogs this season. All the more reason to see what he has in store for us at the Missouri State Cyclocross Championships. He obviously is becoming more and more comfortable with un-ending pain, so this course he is concocting is a little intimidating. Rumor has it there will be starving zombie inmates roaming the course, and they will only want brains.

Stay tuned for info about CXMAS, the next non-race, and if we have anything to do with it, a small post-bubba cx series.

In the meantime, the Doctor has been very active lately with posting in his original blog which is located within the comments section of Robort's blog. It is enough to make your side split. Or your underpants split. Either way, you're a jerk and he is full of coffee and poo.

I'll leave you with some inspirational words of wisdom from Phil Collins: "Sussussudio!"

- Casey F. Ryback

14 comments:

Chris Wurster said...

That is one hell of a pair of man boobs, are they C cup or D cup?

Jeff Yielding said...

Loved the course you guys built!

Doctor said...

Those are clearly double D's C-Dubbs. It is good to get some intelligence from TSHQ as I am preparing to head into battle this Saturday in Phoenix. I am also currently spearheading a campaign to bring back the tradition, begun by our own Coach Ryback before the great economic collapse of aught-nine, the daily duty report. So swing by Robort's blorg and leave your own. Together we can make Robort's blog the cultural center that it once used to be. Energor be with you.

Casey Ryback said...

well, wasn't quite up to par since there was no sand pit or suicide-inducing stair sections!

Casey Ryback said...

yes, i remember the great TC Man economic collapse of aught-nine as well. Before that happened, we truly were in the "Golden Age" of the duty report. I'm going to go contribute now.

Bob Jenkins said...

They're B's. That's short for beautiful, so ya know. You guys should've seen them before I started cycling...oh, those were the glory years.

Marc said...

Coarch, I cannot believe you have the gall to categorize the Mighty Michael McDonald with Kenny G.!
Now I have to go out and buy his greatest hits post-haste. And sing along with the fat man falsetto "As she rises to make her apology, any other fool would surely know. SHE, hihya hina yahee, SHE..."

Chris Wurster said...

Is Robort's blog MC Kankles? Looks like it has been rather idle these past months!

Casey Ryback said...

C-dubs: check out the comment section - that's where the real action is. Robort is a lazy blorgger, whereas the Doctor and I are *quite* active.

Scott said...

They made an announcement in the A race that if we took our jerseys off we would be DQ'ed. I asked, what about Bibs? Silence....

Fun course.

Chris Wurster said...

Commander Ryback I am on it!

Casey Ryback said...

Godspeed Soldier!

Brian said...

I had no idea Boob Jerkins shucked his shirt at the big race. I'm not into that kind of thing. That's hilarious.

I enjoyed beating every last possible member of Team Seagal last Sunday. I hope to do it again sometime soon.

Yours Truly, King Furby.

Anonymous said...

Not sure where to post this but I wanted to ask if anyone has heard of National Clicks?

Can someone help me find it?

Overheard some co-workers talking about it all week but didn't have time to ask so I thought I would post it here to see if someone could help me out.

Seems to be getting alot of buzz right now.

Thanks