Greetings Team Seagal Fan! C.F.R. here. Another season of Bubba Cyclocross in the books, and another season that Bubba himself avoids his inevitable fate. After last week's journey into the Pit of Despair, from which no one can escape, we returned to calmer, more friendly park. Bella Fontaine (or "Bellfountain," if you grew up in that area) Park is a large park, which allowed for a totally different course from the last time we were there. Much more variety this time, including my favorite part - a twisty "mountain-bikey" maze through the trees and along a lake, only to vomit us out up this grassy hill (or usually a run-up for the singlespeeders) that became about as slimy as a linoleum floor after I've spilled a half-fermented 2-liter bottle of the Zambian Lung Butter.
We tried to make the course twisty and fun as we could, which would generally work towards my benefit (i.e. slower speeds) but there was still enough in the way of open straights and soft-serve ground to leave me watching everyone pass me up one by one. Well, except for the time when a roadie (who also happens to be a sweaty customer of mine) managed to get hung up in a very easy corner which in turn caused me to have to stop and dismount, and watch as *literally* 15 riders went past me in maybe 7 seconds as I stood there with my thumb up my ass, waiting for space to move. Fucker. I then found myself battling/working together with the guy in the white skinsuit, or "the condom" as he was referred to, but I admit that I might just have to pick up a skinsuit like that if it means I'll go that much faster - he definitely snapped my wrist.
Anyway, rant over - orders came down from HQ sending Punchor of Corcks, Proforssor, Ginor, Sorsha and myself to be deployed to the front lines of 4 out of the 5 categories. Success was had, especially because none of us dropped out after falling on "the root," and thus no one was the target of any 'r-r-r-r-roid rage. Instead, we all had a good time, because that is what amateur bike racing is all about - not losing your shit. It's also about drinking all of our free Porbst Blor Rorbbin.
After suffering through each of our respective categories, we resorted to general hooliganism and all went to the "the root," which was also right next to "the Zambian Run-up" where we all screamed a whole bunch at the A-Racers. It was about this time that the temperature dropped to a "pea-smuggler"-inducing temperature. Here we joined forces with Furby (whom I think regrets his nickname, so we should come up with a new one for him) and Ron and company from one of our main sponsors, The Hub Bicycle Shop. It's always good to see responsible people like Ron screaming at the top of their lungs and offering dollar hand-ups sticking out of their fly. (I like to call those "Ball-Bucks.") We stood there as the nipply wind came blowing off the lake, and we watched our heros - Professor and Gino - slog their way up Mt. Zambia. I didn't feel so bad about having always ran up that slimy hill after seeing Gino also having to do the same, I believe a consequence of the singlespeed. Atop this hill, we also experienced Matt James wanting to help out with course tear-down a little early when he busted right through the tape, arms and legs akimbo, and the fire of a thousand suns burning in his eyes.
In a repeat of his St. Vincent mud performance, Scotty P made that muddy mountain into a molehill - a molehill made by a retarded mole who isn't very good at making molehills. The only guy who went faster on that hill was the seldom-seen-this-season Nate Rice, who went Steven Seagal: Lawman on Jon Schottler, who still took a convincing 2nd. I'm pretty sure that moar mountain bike dudes would have liked this course, such as Moob Jerkems and probably even Butthead. But hey, what do I know what people would have liked? I mean, I actually enjoyed Rambo 4. A LOT.
Thanks to Mike D, "riding29"and Kevin Bonney for the shots!
Feeling slightly euphoric at this point:
Technically, that jersey is illegal - don't tell Buddy!
The Professor, in the middle of a lecture:
It is acceptable to smile in cyclocross if you are in possession of a PBR.
Hopefully next week there won't be as many pre-race crashes. Matt Dawson got taken out in the parking lot prior to game time, as did Grrrrrman on a recent Hub Pub Crawl. At least Grrrrrman's wreck was for a worthy cause - a night with booze on bike. Despite these setbacks, both racers still raced and went faster than I did. My only handicap: not being as STLPAF as DaveyB. And that made all the difference.
SO - Bubba may be over, but CX isn't - it isn't even December! (as of today.) We still have Missouri State Championships starring Yielding's Stairway to Hell, Concordia Christmas Cross, and most importantly (and most heinously epicly,) CXMAS.
Speaking of CXmas, we've set up a glorious center of information! Sweet Jesus! Check it out:
It's not too far away(December 20th), so get your ass ready! We're already doing our ancient, mystical weather dance, although instead of employing the yak semen (for good weather) we're employing a special concoction involving goji berries, PBR, and the Steven Seagal sweat. We hope it makes something awesome happen - and we're pretty sure that a brew like that can't lose. And hell, if it does lose, then we'll probably just drink it until it changes our reality in some badass way.
Now THAT can't lose.
-Casey F. Ryback