20091206

Hermann Misery State CX Championships! OOO-WEEE!

Greetings, Team Seagal Fans. Just another day in teh life for Team Seagal - coupla podiums here, shitloads of PBR there... maybe throw in some wings from Wings 'a Blazin... then nap most of the way home... I could get used to this!

First off, I must say that our ranks were somewhat thinned out this weekend. Masson Storm had recently been slightly injured when he got into a fight with the front end of an 18-wHeeler, The Great Puncher of Cocks was out with personal business, Nic-ward had to go and make a living, and I was super weak sauce and had to help marshall the I-64 TT at 6AM that morning, where there were moar pointy helmets and aero-bars than there were Challenge tires, top-tube-mounted cables and canti brakes. Sweet shit. Talk about people on bikes who can't make a turn. But hey, it pay$ the bill$. $o I got there way after the SS race was over, just in time to see some of those old geezers in the geezer class playing in the mud and showing me their pain faces. Mr. Rich Pierce was *C*R*U*S*H*I*N*G* it only losing out to some serious heavy hitters, one of which actually has a Superbowl ring. No shit. And then of course Boob Jenkems got 2nd place! We didn't arrive at the stairs in time though to give Boob a proper Team-Seagal-Welcome-Wagon, as he had already finished in record time, laying waste to all competitors.


Fortunately, I managed to get there after the Chris-Benoit lady went R-R-R-R-R-ROID RAGE (again) this time on a fellow female racer. And knowing what I know about CX chicks, they aren't generally the type of women who you want to screw with. Apparently, you CAN cross-check people with your bike, then DQ yourself by leaving the course to go pout in your car. Seeing as how this is at least the 3rd week in a row that there has been some ridiculous incident involving some bike-rage, it would be appreciated if she made a call to 1-800-NVR-RACE-AGN.

In the other news, our esteemed Wrist Snapper Extraordinare Gino was busy laying a path of horrific wrist destruction in the SS race all the way to S-S-S-S-SECOND PLACE! He endured snot-like ground conditions, 5 dismountable areas, pteradactyl attacks, and a horrendous lack of douchebags being douchey. That's a lie, there were never any pteradactyls. That doesn't even make sense - they've been extinct for like 100 million years. T-tocs knows all about that, as he was seen deliriously babbling to himself about dinosaur extinction theories in the backside hill:
It's funny what you'll find inside the pain cave.

While we were standing and waiting for the 3's race to start over by the slick mud section, there was an epic battle of the hecklers going back and forth between the Columbia crew with their trumpet and debauchery, a number of Team Seagal Soldiers, and even some ladies got into the mix. No photographic evidence was taken, unfortunately, but I'm pretty sure that everyone won. After that business was all over, there was a terrific clash of the titans in the 3's race between our very own Professor and the prolific (emphasis on the "Pro") Matt James. The Professor has a PhD in Propelling himself over barriers whislt not dismounting, which he demonstrated quite handily, and which worked out to his "bene-fist." Gino didn't have enough pain in the 4's race, so he searched around and found more pain in the 3's race, and was saying "FML FML FML." He actually was probably faster than smoother through that slick section than anyone else we saw...

Watching the Professor orate at the barriers was equivalent to attending a Steve Ballmer presentation - SUPER PUMPED UP. Professor professed his way to... FIRST PLACE! When that happened, we were cheering on the sidelines like Steve Ballmer does when he starts a presentation. However, due to the intensity of his glorious battle, Professor did not celebrate with any air violin this time, opting for a moar traditional style:


STLPAF Dave was snapping wrists and breaking hearts where he belongs, in the 1,2 race where he snagged a podium against a tough but surprisingly small field. Where was everyone from the KC side? Doesn't matter, as he earned his delicious, and legal, hand-up:
Back in the SS race, there was a lot of hate and hellfire brewing, ready to be unleashed at any time. A shot was caught of our good buddy Peat about 1.347 second before the point at which he summoned the demons from hell and started crushing people's souls - you can just see the raw evil that he is about to put inside you:

The truth-bombs that were being dropped at this weekend's State Championships race were almost as big as the drops that this kid does on his Like-A-Bike:


Jeff Yielding is truly a badass when it comes to being awesome. It's already been said, but he has put a shitload of work into making this race (and all things cycling-related in Hermann) what it is. Your work does NOT go un-noticed!

Same goes for EVille Mike! Major props on the great photos - it makes it very easy to put together an account of each race.

Next up, Washington Cross next wHeekend, and then Concordia Cross and CXmas the wHeekend after that! Holy shit, what the hell are we gonna do wHen it's all over? We talked to some people in Hermann about how they might or might not come to CXmas. The correct answer is "yes." It will be a fun, no-pressure way to ride your CX bike at the tail-end of the CX season. Don't be weak sauce - get your warm clothing out and sack up. Or if you're a chick, vag' up. This means you, Shweiker - you have to get back at the cold weather after last year. I'm sure Farinella, who is awesome, will be out there, and he should use his great influence over all things Mesa-related to light a fire under their asses. Same with Boz. In fact, the only person who isn't invited is any female CX racer who may or may not be 'roided out to the point of 'ragin.

- Casey F. Ryback

12 comments:

Boob said...

It looks like Peat is hiding behind a brick wall droppin' a deuce.

I'm glad to find out that the 'roid bitch is mean to everybody, i thought she was only pissed at me at Mt. Pleasant when was all like, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!!" I guess there's one in every crowd.

Best race EVER!! Jeff Yielding is the kindof pain.

damnit said...

**edit** meant to say "King of pain".....

Peat said...

Man, I didn't even know I had that vein in my neck. The demons within were released later that day in the heated restroom.

t-tocS said...

Developers!

Developers!

Developers!

Developers of kicking major ass on the major ones!...and developing a Superior State of mind!

I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW BAD ARRSS MISSOURI CYCLOCROSS IS! YES YES YES!!!

F.T.

John said...

balls right son!! the conspicuous lack of seaglians in the SS race was a little disheartening, along with no BOob J3NK!n$$!! WTF!! additionally, no beer hand ups in the SS race? what is this world coming to? pull your heads out people. fug mein the arse!

Matt Schweiker said...

Wash U crew is coming, all two of us, full frontal. Ready to crush brews and slay bitches!!!

CFR, know where I can get some thermal pads? Winged preferably. Hah!

Doctor said...

Who is this mysterious "roid bitch" of which you speak? I only ask because I am thinking of trying roids myself and want some advice. Mainly I wonder if I have to throw my bike everytime I roid rage out, It seems like that would be expensive to fix all the time.
Doctor-regular guy

PS. You guys are jerks.

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Casey Ryback said...

I would like it to be known that the VGS-12 and the corresponding blog is HILARIOUS!

Taft said...

Doctorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,

You are missed my friend. the chinamen in t-tocS neighborhood are lonely without some company from the near by Doc. Visit you jerk of jerkz!

Doctor said...

I too miss all of my chinese friends T-Tocs. Coach is absolutely correct. The VGS-12 site is hilarious, I'm the first follower. You jerk ass jerks!

P.S. Remember, when your roids start kicking in, and the walls of your vagina feel like sandpaper, reach for the Park VGS-12. In stores now!!!!

Craig said...

I'm coming to CXMAS and I'm bringing the Mrs. Roids, too! She's going to snap more than your wrists fools!!! Toss an elbow her way and she'll feed it to you later. Muhhaahahahah