Middlefork August Ride

Greetings team seagal fan. Mason Storm here to tell the story of 4 soldiers deploid recently to the Ozark Trail with one mission...destroy Middlefork, and tons of Dos Primos.

In true Seagal fashion we stayed up super late the night before...till about 3:30am to be exact, and had numerous meetings with a certain Asian American gentlemen. Jim formerly of TTM was there before we had arrived and had hotel Hennessey ready for some serious slumber.

Notice the giant stick bug and Forrest Tafts sweet ass Unit 29!

Brian "Gun Show" Busken snapped Middleforks wrist and nearly all of ours with his Mad Skillz.

Storm and Taft...the brothers Hoff.

1/2 of TTM and now the latest addition to the Seagal family....Nice Work!

Me fixing 1 of 2 flats for the day, they were the only technicals to be had this day.

Summiting the final climb of the day in some fog. We got a few drops but the trail remained dry and fast with only a handful of downed trees. The worst part of the day had to be the thorns, or maybe the spider webs. All in all it was a great ride with great friends. Afterwards we made our way to Dos Primos where much food was destoryed, and the Dos Primos dip was top notch! Tall Oak this weekend.


Truly Must See TV

Can I buy the DVD set right now? Because if so, then that's what EVERYONE is getting for Christmas.

In other news, our very own Doctor Wesley McLaren has set up his private practice of Chinese herbology in Prescott, AZ. He has also moved from the comments section of Robort's blog to his very own address. (these kids grow up so fast, before you know it they're moving out of home!) You can visit him here: Team Seagal AZ

-Casey F. Ryback


Leadville 2009

Greetings, jerks. Casey here. Even though we're still waiting for in-person reports from our own StL Attack Force that was deployed to the front lines of the Leadville 100, we can at least reap the youtube rewards. This is pretty interesting recap of this year's t'aint-genocide, or, "t'aint-ocide:"

In other news, it it was reported to the Team Seagal News Desk that a robot, pictured here: has filed a sexual harassment suit against Robort. Allegedly, Robort was driving past and mistook the sign to say "Free Robort Sex" and thought he'd git him sum. Apparently the robot was not into the same "things," and resisted. It quickly went downhill from there. We will be collecting for the Robort Defense Fund, and donations can be made via the link on the bottom right. Thank you.

-Casey F. Ryback


Non-Race #2 - Lost Valley Night Relay - Recap

Greetings Team Seagal Fans! As I sit here in my own fart cloud that smells like an omelet, I am attempting to reminisce about what hath transpired this evening. In the paraphrased words of our good buddy Brian Busken, "The Chubb Challenge (Non-Race #1) and this Non-Race is the most fun I've had on a bike in a long time. By the way, I like how my faux-mullet looks, and I'm thinking of growing a real one." Actually, he may or may not have said that last part, but the most-fun-on-a-bike part is true. You tell us, does Brian look ready for action or not?

Maybe some hot inbred action. I mean, let's be honest - a mullet doesn't have the same power-infusing abilities that a mustache or a beard has. But like I was saying, these Non-Races are all about fun and challenging yourself. The only way to fuck it up is to not have fun.

Having met a surprising number of participants at the Mound parking lot, it was game time. We actually ran out of spoke cards. Yeah, that's right. The idea: ride really fast for two laps, while your partner rides really fast for two more laps. The course was in phenomenal shape, save for a rock garden on the final singletrack descent leading up to the gravel climb that was more slippery than Robort's face after a night with... well, you get the idea.

Anyway, several different groups showed up, including a healthy contingent of Momentum dudes, several Ghisallo riders, and even a big showing from one of our best sponsors - The Hub! Yes, even Ron left the pavement for one night in order to be reminded of just how hard this mountain biking thing is. Thanks for the support!
Plus several other wrists just waiting to be snapped. One person most conspicuously absent was Furby. Rumor has it that he was busy at home playing with his He-Man action figures. (He likes to take He-man's loin cloth off. That's all I'm gonna say.) Furby - can I still get that free eightball for having a life-sized cut-out of you?

The lap times were all smokin' fast, and the PBR cooler was emptied in a most smokin' fast fashion. Lap after lap was crushed out, and it looks like Jeremy Bock (Team Big and Tasty) had the fastest lap with 18:38. Someone may have had a faster lap, but we'd have to do some really tedious advanced math involving subtraction, and seriously, you probably wouldn't want to do it either.

Here we have the Tropic Storm himself, saying "Seriously dudes, after I attempted to eat El Diablo I had a brown baby boy come out of me the next morning THIS BIG!"

In the year of Energor, the results/times are as follows:

1st - Team Big and Tasty (Mitch Johnson, Jeremy Bock) - 18:58/38:01/57:06/1:16:16
2nd - Rock Hard (Rock Wamsley, Dave Smith) - 21:15/42:33/1:04:04/1:24:29
3rd - Team Mullet (Brian Busken, Caleb Hulsey Chris ?) - 21:37/44:51/1:06:03/1:28:12
4th - TC Man Men (Coach, Marshall Lawson) - 22:04/44:40/1:06:46/1:28:12
5th - Momentum (Jason Pryor Keith Weinkein) - 22:34/44:11/1:07:52/1:29:56
6th - T'aints of Steel (Mike Barro, Walter Davis) - 21:55/45:20/1:08:33/1:32:27
7th - Team Rockhounds (Jeff Powell, Steve Timm) - 24:12/46:12/1:08:58/1:33:33
8th - Bryan Adams, Steph Adams - 25:10/53:12/1:14:35/1:35:49
9th - D00dz (Greg Ott, Jason Roberts) - 20:18/51:25/1:11:22/1:41:19
10th - Team Funhouse (Scott Lankford, Damon Moore) - 27:21/52:45/1:19:50/1:45:19
11th - Hub Bitches (Ron Clipp, Devin Clark, Andy Borger Chris Saxton) - 24:35/55:15/1:25:46/1:46:51
12th - Super Dave (Todd Hecht, Dave Dalasio) - 24:44/48:05/1:24:15/1:47:30
13th - Judd and Gino (Judd Myers, Gino Felino) - 30:43/57:54/1:24:45/1:49:00
14th - Nikko, Zach - 34:15/1:00:27/1:28:43/1:54:10
15th - Christopher, Margarette - 28:48/1:06:39/1:28:22/1:59:32

Holy shit that was a lot of monotonous typing. Now I kind of want to go find some Zambian street children to score some jenkem to get that sense of euphoria back that I had when I was watching Ron and Devin try to carry their cooler back to the car, up the *big* gravel hill, together, while both riding their bikes. Unsuccessfully, I might add. Wish I had a photo of that.

Big thanks to Craig Seibert who helped out in the set-up, execution, and tear-down of all related materials to today's glorious battle. It always sucks to have to do everything yo'self.

Mr. Steel T'aint himself, Mike Barro, saw fit to take some reconnaissance photos during the event. It is my belief that he is actually using them in a New-England-Patriots-style-scheme to capture our strategies and training techniques on film, and use them to his advantage while training, with hopes of beating us even worse than he already does. Photos viewable here: http://picasaweb.google.com/bicicletta.tech/NonRaceLostValley82109#

On the way home, I saw first hand the kind of devestation that the Koolaid Man bringeth:

Next on our plate: Tall Oak Challenge, the D9 Bulldozer, Burnin, Non-Race #3, and then CX....

-Casey F. Ryback


Non Race # 2 Lost Valley Night Relay

Greetings Team Seagal Fan. This Friday we will be having our 2nd Non Race of the 2009 season out at LV. The plan is a 4 lap race consisting of 2 person teams, on a shortened 4mi course with singletrack, doubletrack, and some fireroad climbs. The teams will be open and all scored the same. As always our races are FREE, there may or may not be prizes, FREE Pabst for all, and $1 donation for spokecards is appreciated. I will be out there on Thursday and Friday to pre-ride the course, and hopefully we have seen the worst of the rain. Stay tuned for details on trail condition, and We hope to see you all there.
What: Non-Race #2
When: Friday Aug 21 at 8:30pm
Where: Registration at the Mound between 7:30-8:00pm, race will start at 8:30pm.


Rapture in Misery 2009 - Truly a 2009 Endurance MTB Race

Greetings loyal Team Seagal Fan! For me to be sitting here writing this is truly the culmination of a long day of ups and downs - waking up this morning (the day after the race) I was pretty sure that I couldn't give 2 shits about this race or this weekend anymore, and I'll explain why shortly. This just goes to show the power of Shakespeare's Pizza, friends, PBR, and a good 4 hour nap.

When you think of the endurance mountain bike races in the Midwest this year, which ones come to mind? Rim Wrecker, Ouachita Challenge, Syllamo's Revenge, Bone Bender - there is a common link among these, and it has to do with yak semen. Or rather, the improper application of yak semen during the sacred rain-repelling dance that we try to do before a major race.

We look forward to this race every year, this being the 3rd year in a row that we have deployed an troops to compete. This year saw a change in venue over previous years where it has always been held at Landahl Park Reserve. This year we (Masson Storm, Nico Toscani, and myself - Casey Ryback, along with our better halves) journeyed to the undiscovered mountain biking Xanadu known as Crowder State Park, near Trenton, MO. I arrived Mario van Peebles style - solo - at about 1:20AM Saturday morning to find the rest of the Team Seagal Party Train having already landed and set up camp the previous evening. After waking up "fully rested" at the crack of dawn, I and the rest of our War Machine started our morning battle preparations.

Nico started by unpacking his favorite bag:

He then continued to test-drive my chair, which has been deemed the greatest camp chair known to man. (Or at least known to TC Man Men. Here we see this chair at it's debut)

All of this tom-foolery belies the t'aint destruction that lied ahead for our heroes. As time of detonation approached, the Tropical Storm and myself went to registor at headquartors. Got to see some faces we haven't seen all year, since this is, unfortunately, the first Heartland Race Promotions race that we've done all year! How good it was to be back. We park both of our bikes, registored, and came back out to our bikes and realized how badass these Konas look next to each other, especially with Masson's newly FB-built wheels using some pimp-ass lime green Velocity Blunt rims:

Fully fueled with jenkem, pop-tarts, gummi bears/worms, and coffee for our excursion into the 12 hour Tunnel of Pain, we lined up for the le'Mans-style start. Masson decided to change things up this time by doing the run on the first lap. Little did he know that it would be the hardest run yet - straight up a big fucking rocky hill!

Nico spreading his wings and flying:

Bob is super-pissed for two reasons - he's going uphill, and he's on foot:

Masson emerges from his first lap with the blood of countless snapped wrists on his hands (note the green wheels):

Next it was my turn to take over as head wrist-snapper, which I was anxious to do for a 2 lap stretch. It was apparent to me about 1/2 way through my first lap that the heat felt like the Turbonegro song "A Blizzard of Flames." I put in my fastest lap first, with 52:36, and mellowed out to a much more sustainable pace for lap number 2 at 57:57. (no where near Cameron Chamber's fast lap of 42:07) Coming in after my first lap, blowing Drew's mind with the GOLD:
Unfortunately, I did not get a photo of the random group of Amish or Mennonite women walking down the trail, to whom I had to call out "On your left!" Oddest part - they took a photo of Nico. Ask him all about it.

Seen at the staging area:

Nico, who is all smiles, all the time - like Dwane or Mitch:

Joe Houston, who has really trimmed down and is in danger of losing the ability to dominate the clydesdale class:
Overall 12hr Solo winner - Zach Brace!
Brian "The Gun Show" Busken:

6hr Solo Women Winner - Christine Ford! (Hey! I know her!)

Much of this race was super badass, and we all can't wait for next year. Superb production on superb trails with superb people competing - there may have even been a road bike nearby with an old Suntour Superbe component group on it. As dusk got closer and closer, the forecasted threat of rain became more and more real. Very, VERY real.

That's when things started changing.

At some point during the first true night-lap, the spotty light showers that had persisted for the last couple of hours and hadn't even reached the trail surface through the thick tree cover decided to stop fucking around and turned into full-on rain. Masson came in with reports of knocking trees down with his body saying "it's slick - watch out for trees." 15 minutes after I was deployed onto what would be our last lap, the race course was closed. The race was approaching epic status, due the supreme XXTREEM hardcore downhill freeride conditions that were being encountered. Very similar to Rim Wrecker the last two years - not muddy, just lots of standing water and slick rocks. The big difference is that I still had brakes at the end of that lap, whereas that was not the case at Rim Wrecker. Oh yeah, and I forgot about the sections of white-out fog. And landmines. I escaped my wet night lap without wrecking, and actually managed to pass a few people. Zach and I rode through the last double-track section together, and I actually felt my own wrist snap the moment he told me that he'd be going out for another lap. Turns out he didn't have to, as he already had 1st locked in, and couldn't go out anyway. The Tropical Storm had, unbeknownst to us, actually put us into 3rd place on his last lap with solid riding. No photos were taken during this time, as all shit was fucked.

We had no idea of our placement until we magically strutted into the awards ceremony with Zach and Drew at the VERY moment that Zach's name was being called up to the 1st place podium! Nico was later called to a very lonely podium, for the Nico Toscani Class. We received information that once word spread that Nico would be racing in the 12hr Solo 20-29 class, all lesser racers out there pussed out, this turning that class into the Nico Toscani Class, and allowing Nico to sweep the podium by himself. No photos were taken of this, as my hands were full of 16oz PBRs and my nuts. I did manage to get a shot of the 12hr Overall category, 1-Zach, 2-Mitch, 3-Todd Holtman! Way to sweep that shit, StL:Evidence of a disgusting final lap - Todd's head, and the mud-skidmarks that came through the helmet vents:

After a long-yet-cut-short day of badass racing, Energor must have decided he was not happy with having been smashed to bits at the hands of the Doctor and Robort, and wanted to take his anger out on us as we tried to sleep. The rain continued all night, with varying levels of shitty wind and lightning. It was one of those storms that, when you get up in the morning in your house, you say to your spouse (or in the case of singer Jack Johnson, you say to the 30 other dudes in your bed) "Holy shit, did you hear that storm last night?" Only we were all in our tents. I thought mine was an adequate tent, as it has always served me well, but I've now come to realize that Ms. Ryback and myself may as well have been trying to sleep underneath a goddamn umbrella. An umbrella that you put in your drink. I actually spent part of the night trying to hold the rainfly in place. Ever try to wring out an entire sleeping bag?

Waking up after a night like isn't that much fun, and neither is stopping at a gas station/fireworks store where the bitch-attendant is upset with the fact that she works at a gas station/fireworks store and takes it out on you, the customer. Here is a short list of things that didn't work:
-the cappucino machine
-the fountain soda machine
-empty coffee pot
-one of the gas pumps
-the women's toilet, which had a sign saying that it wouldn't flush toilet paper, and just to put the tp in the trash can.

We recommend that you don't stop at that gas station/fireworks store, located on Hwy 65, just on the north side of Hwy 70. Everyone there hates you, and you probably can't get what you need anyway. Fuck 'em.

What better way to cure a miserable morning of loading all your sopping wet belongings into your car and getting treated like shit at a gas station, than to sink your unbrushed teeth into the JOBS at Shakespeares!

Thanks to Heartland, specifically Doug Long - so much work for a race that could not have gone any better (up until the rain.) Never a bad race with these guys! Even better now with their real time scoring... Results

In other news, we have recently recruited two more Soldiers onto our team - Jim and Wendy Davis, also known as Team Trail Monster. There's a good chance you may have one or both of them at the dirt crits, any number of endurance mountain bike races in the area, or probably at GORC and OTA Trail workdays. They are very active in snapping the wrist of trail erosion, and making it possible for the rest of us to ride clear, sustainable trails. What a great addition - they fit right in!

I had to use your blog header photo because I can't find a good shot of your guys together in my personal archives. Holy shit.

Stay tuned for more information about the next Non-Race coming up this Friday! A night relay at Lost Valley - meet at the mound at 7:30PM, race will start at 8:30pm sharp. Bring your charged lights.

-Casey F. Ryback

P.S. Doctor is alive and well! See the Comments section of Robort's Blorg!


The 2009 Levis-Trow 100: Nico's Special Delivery

Good day single speed racing fan. In mid-July Team Seagal made a pilgrimage deep into the northern US territory to attend a special event, The Levis-Trow 100 in Hatfield, WI. Our diabolical plan to rendezvous with Team Seagal MKE and wreak havok within the ranks of the Wisconsin Endurance Mountain Series was a great success - details of our collective exercise in wrist destruction are now officially DE-classified so read on without fear good friend.

The author is me, Mr. Nico Toscani. I was hand delivered from my home near the southern border of Forest Park to the race venue, a journey spanning three states and lasting nearly 11 hours. Masorn Storm drove the first leg starting in St. Louis and ending in Milwaukee at Shop Ministor's fancy new home right near Lake Michigan. Within minutes of our arrival my belongings were loaded into Ministor's car and we dove straight into leg two of the trip, Milwaukee to Hatfield (Masorn stayed the night with family in the MKE, he met up with us in the AM the next day). Pretty much, I didnt have to do shit all day but just sit in shotgun [in control of the ipod] and sample the secret concoction of Chinese herbs and rare Tibetan Gogi Berries that was prepared for our consumption in advance by our Dr. friend Wesley.

Wisconsin is a very cool place by my account. Ministor pointed out many interesting things to me along the way to the race course, I'll never forget the sight of my very first cranberry bog. Team Seagal MKE minus Ministor had arrived to the Levis-Trow Mound earlier in the day. They greeted us graciously with delicious PBR and a killer campsite that was already set-up. Here is the view straight out of the front door of our tent:

The start/ finish was just off to the left in the above photo. The LeMans style start had us run beside the treeline left to right towards our bikes staged near the tents in the distance. We then disappeared into the woods for a 13.5 mile loop of totally sweet, I.M.B.A. Epic rated dankness that included a little bit of everything...

We had soldiers entered into both the 50 mile and the 100 mile battles. Let me assure you, all who adorned the blue and black of Team Seagal reigned victorious, each with superior attitude and superior state of mind flowing through all open orifices.





The Author:

All Together Now:

Throughout the entire day Team Seagal registered zero mechanicals, not even a punctured tube. New friends were made, delicious PBR was toasted, and tubed meats were crushed and deposited down our throat-holes. It was the middle of July and we had to wear sweatshirts and pants to stay warm after the sun went down. The 13.5 mile loop had two stocked aid stations and the entry fee for the 100 mile race was only $35! We absolutely LOVED this course and this race, on our honour we solemnly promise to return to west central Wisconsin next summer with a bigger army and many more PBRs.

The day concluded with a surprise podium appearance by the author who took 3rd place in the 100 mile Solo Single Speed Category, definitely the best finish ever in my racing career:

Thanks for stopping by, RIM is looming and Team Seagal is ready. Don't fight it; go ahead and roll your sleeves up now so we can have better access to your frail wrists...there will be no mercy, you better run for your ass [or from Coach's]!


PBR Me in STL 2!

Last night was AMAZING! Bands, DJ's, Live art, and PBR!!!! Seeing pics from all of Dave's work projected on the wall as the bands played was pretty sweet! There were pictures from Bars, shows, Non-Races, Rim Wrecker, and his other sponsored baseball team! It's nights like these that make you truly appreciate your sponsors and all the hard work our Rep Dave puts into his work and our team. Dave thank you for totally kicking ass the past 2 years, and I can't wait for PBR me in STL 3!!!!! Who's ready for Rim Wrecker Aug 15?!