Bubba #9 - Teh "Fun-ale!" Also, 2009 CXmas!

Greetings Team Seagal Fan! C.F.R. here. Another season of Bubba Cyclocross in the books, and another season that Bubba himself avoids his inevitable fate. After last week's journey into the Pit of Despair, from which no one can escape, we returned to calmer, more friendly park. Bella Fontaine (or "Bellfountain," if you grew up in that area) Park is a large park, which allowed for a totally different course from the last time we were there. Much more variety this time, including my favorite part - a twisty "mountain-bikey" maze through the trees and along a lake, only to vomit us out up this grassy hill (or usually a run-up for the singlespeeders) that became about as slimy as a linoleum floor after I've spilled a half-fermented 2-liter bottle of the Zambian Lung Butter.

We tried to make the course twisty and fun as we could, which would generally work towards my benefit (i.e. slower speeds) but there was still enough in the way of open straights and soft-serve ground to leave me watching everyone pass me up one by one. Well, except for the time when a roadie (who also happens to be a sweaty customer of mine) managed to get hung up in a very easy corner which in turn caused me to have to stop and dismount, and watch as *literally* 15 riders went past me in maybe 7 seconds as I stood there with my thumb up my ass, waiting for space to move. Fucker. I then found myself battling/working together with the guy in the white skinsuit, or "the condom" as he was referred to, but I admit that I might just have to pick up a skinsuit like that if it means I'll go that much faster - he definitely snapped my wrist.

Anyway, rant over - orders came down from HQ sending Punchor of Corcks, Proforssor, Ginor, Sorsha and myself to be deployed to the front lines of 4 out of the 5 categories. Success was had, especially because none of us dropped out after falling on "the root," and thus no one was the target of any 'r-r-r-r-roid rage. Instead, we all had a good time, because that is what amateur bike racing is all about - not losing your shit. It's also about drinking all of our free Porbst Blor Rorbbin.

After suffering through each of our respective categories, we resorted to general hooliganism and all went to the "the root," which was also right next to "the Zambian Run-up" where we all screamed a whole bunch at the A-Racers. It was about this time that the temperature dropped to a "pea-smuggler"-inducing temperature. Here we joined forces with Furby (whom I think regrets his nickname, so we should come up with a new one for him) and Ron and company from one of our main sponsors, The Hub Bicycle Shop. It's always good to see responsible people like Ron screaming at the top of their lungs and offering dollar hand-ups sticking out of their fly. (I like to call those "Ball-Bucks.") We stood there as the nipply wind came blowing off the lake, and we watched our heros - Professor and Gino - slog their way up Mt. Zambia. I didn't feel so bad about having always ran up that slimy hill after seeing Gino also having to do the same, I believe a consequence of the singlespeed. Atop this hill, we also experienced Matt James wanting to help out with course tear-down a little early when he busted right through the tape, arms and legs akimbo, and the fire of a thousand suns burning in his eyes.

In a repeat of his St. Vincent mud performance, Scotty P made that muddy mountain into a molehill - a molehill made by a retarded mole who isn't very good at making molehills. The only guy who went faster on that hill was the seldom-seen-this-season Nate Rice, who went Steven Seagal: Lawman on Jon Schottler, who still took a convincing 2nd. I'm pretty sure that moar mountain bike dudes would have liked this course, such as Moob Jerkems and probably even Butthead. But hey, what do I know what people would have liked? I mean, I actually enjoyed Rambo 4. A LOT.

Thanks to Mike D, "riding29"and Kevin Bonney for the shots!

Feeling slightly euphoric at this point:

Technically, that jersey is illegal - don't tell Buddy!
The Professor, in the middle of a lecture:
CXmas Mastermind:

It is acceptable to smile in cyclocross if you are in possession of a PBR.

Hopefully next week there won't be as many pre-race crashes. Matt Dawson got taken out in the parking lot prior to game time, as did Grrrrrman on a recent Hub Pub Crawl. At least Grrrrrman's wreck was for a worthy cause - a night with booze on bike. Despite these setbacks, both racers still raced and went faster than I did. My only handicap: not being as STLPAF as DaveyB. And that made all the difference.

SO - Bubba may be over, but CX isn't - it isn't even December! (as of today.) We still have Missouri State Championships starring Yielding's Stairway to Hell, Concordia Christmas Cross, and most importantly (and most heinously epicly,) CXMAS.

Speaking of CXmas, we've set up a glorious center of information! Sweet Jesus! Check it out:
It's not too far away(December 20th), so get your ass ready! We're already doing our ancient, mystical weather dance, although instead of employing the yak semen (for good weather) we're employing a special concoction involving goji berries, PBR, and the Steven Seagal sweat. We hope it makes something awesome happen - and we're pretty sure that a brew like that can't lose. And hell, if it does lose, then we'll probably just drink it until it changes our reality in some badass way.

Now THAT can't lose.

-Casey F. Ryback




Great video from Most Un-Pleasant

The Professor begins his lecture on the topic of "How To Snap Wrists and Take Names During a Cyclocross Race, With Emphasis Towards Hill Climbing" around minute 2:30 (It gets tiring sprinting up and down a steep hill over and over again to support your teammate!)

Eat well this Thanksgiving!

-Casey f. Ryback


Mt. Pleasant? Moar liek Mt. Please-Put-Me-Out-My-Misery, amirite?

Greetings, Team Seagal Fan. I... I uh... I don't know what just happened. Seriously - what the hell was that? As Mitch alluded to, this race and course might be considered a prelude to the Death By Hills ride. There was something like 2300ft climbing per ~1 mile lap. (Plus or minus a couple thousand feet.) It was as if we took the course from last week, and removed most of the "fun" and put it into the "pain" column. I could be found before the races started trying to warn people that I knew NOT to race. As we were setting the course up, my quads were trembling in fear, as we pushed into the ground each wooden course-stake. (The hammer was not usually needed due to the amazing softness of the ground. It was so soft, it was like Robort putting his... well, nevermind.)

Due to the layout and size of the Mt. Pleasant Winery grounds, it made for many fantastic views and viewpoints from which the many spectators could see probably 90% of the course at all times. The layout also made for a truly stupid amount of pain-filled run-ups that allowed for the kind of off-the-bike action that in the realm of Missouri Cyclocross, has recently only been seen in Hermann on those infamous stairs. I mean sweet Jesus. We should have installed a winch to help people up. Either that or offer Samurai swords with which people could have used to commit seppuku. Then, the blood and intestinal juices would then flow onto the course, making an epic mud-pit.

Myself, Sasha Pestrovich, Gino Felino, the Professor, and the Great Punchor of Cocks all engaged in an untimely race of destiny that put a new pain into our backs, legs, and especially t'aints. Sasha in the women's race, myself and Punchor in the SS race, and Gino venturing into the A class for the first time to do epic battle alongside the Professor, who gave a riveting lecture today on how to snap the fuck out of everyone's wrists.

There was an uneasy sense of looming death on the start line - kinda felt like a music video for some Nordic death metal band. The whistle was blown "sometime in the next 30 seconds" and we were off in a flurry of wailing guitars and double-bass kicks.

Turn after turn, the course pointed us up and up again, with only a few seconds of descending-rest in between. This course was easily the softest, most speed-sapping yet. No sandpits, but 2 stairs, 2 barriers, and 2 grassy run-ups. And a lot of up.

Our good buddy the Professor, however, didn't seem bogged down by the soft climbs. He doesn't weigh that much, so he kind of just rides over the top instead of sinking down. He climbed quite well today - so well that he had one of the most epic battles yet. He put the hammer down early on and led by a sizable margin, at a pace that some weaker men doubted could be kept. For a little over a lap he was off the front. It didn't take long before the Loco SoBoCoMo Kid, Jon Schottler, decided he wanted to win instead, so he went... well... faster. After 3 laps, Schottler pulled out front and never looked back. Also chasing the Professor down from behind was Butthead, who bridged the gap, but then had trouble pulling ahead. And anyone who has seen Butthead dropping the hammer knows that it is essentially an unstoppable onslaught of pain and suffering, from which no one is safe. The Professor wasn't having any of that though, and traded punches with BH lap after lap, unable to be shaken off.

On the steepest, longest grassy climb of the course, our Professor utilized much in the way of superior attitude and superior state of mind, and rode the whole thing, each time putting at least 5 seconds on BH, who was on foot. I'd like to think that his ability to effectively attack up that hill may or may not have been helped by a rabid, frothing-at-mouth-and-horn cheering section, populated by myself and a number of Red Wheel Usual Suspects which may or may not have been fueled by sweet spumantes, Rieslings, and Merlots as the hosting venue wasn't very friendly to our beloved PBR. After realizing what our Professor was teaching, I had to go and scream encouragement to the point where my voice didn't work anymore. His ability to climb like a scalded monkey lap after lap seemed to wear down on the Mighty Butthead, who had lost a fair amount of time by the last couple laps, and led him to a 2nd place finish!

I'll repeat that - 2nd place finish in the A Race on arguably the hardest course of the year! That's essentially 1st place, because if Steven Seagal himself were racing, he probably would not have been able to catch Schottler either.

But let us not forget Gino, who, despite not being in contention, also had to endure our... "encouragement" while climbing that hill. Encouragement = constant ass-slapping with plastic horns, being sprayed with $20/bottle spumantes, and us yelling right in his face. He can't complain though - he got paid from our dollar hand-ups.

Also seen on that hill: the first ever reverse-dollar-hand-ups courtesy of Jeff Yielding, an unintentionally-hilarious "water bottle facial" on Martin Lang, one guy on a silver mountain bike who rode the hill every time except for one despite being way-last, a nut-grab from Chris "I'm also racing in the A race on my singlespeed after winning the singlespeed race on the hardest course of the year" Connolly, and just altogether way too much smiling.

Also seen at this race:
-Mitch the Masher riding a CX bike for the first time ever while in his first CX race ever, and then actually getting DQ'd after a couple of laps for taking a wine-handoff. It's a good thing too that he was DQ'd, because after a white zinfandel, he would have had a clear advantage over the rest of the field.
-(forward to :56 seconds)

The looks on everyone's face as they crossed the finish line was pure hate. Some of my favorite views taken from the race, courtesy of GoPate and MikeD:

Punchor and I attack the stairs

Sasha attacks the descendy-corner
Here is where I attacked Nick
Punchor attacks teh corner
Moob Jenkems attacks the ramp with a sudden acceleration that wheelied his front wheel

From the A Race:

Dolla Dolla Bill ya'll!

Alex "Air-Jordan" Grrman

See? Pure hate at the finish line:
The Professor celebrates with a little air-violin
We also managed to get a couple of photos, courtesy of one of our in-house photogs. One shows SS-extraordinaire Chris Connolly who can always be relied upon to take a wine handoff, though thankfully he managed to NOT get DQ'd:
The other shows DaveyB at the moment of spiritual ascension:

After the race and teardown, a number of us gathered in the parking lot across the street for general recklessness, mischief, and push-ups for some reason. And pretzels. Holy shit, those were some crunk-ass grown-ups drinking in a parking lot in rural Missouri. We couldn't have been anymore euphoric had we been hanging out with a bunch of street children in Zambia, huffin' the "might." Special appearance by DRJ.

Only one moar Bubba race left, and then it's the state championships! Prepare your livers, minds, and t'aints.

Oh yeah, and don't forget this Thursday the Chubb Trail will be the scene of the annual HUGE group ride. Show up in the morning at some point, and give thanks to Energor for all he has given us.

-Casey F. Ryback

P.S. There was sand-colored bag stolen by some shithead at the race, containing a very expensive SLR-style camera. Any info, contact Big Shark.


Will My NJS-Approved Bike Be Awesome at CX?

I totally am stealing this from the Red Wheel site - I think a lot of StL people can very much appreciate this... especially if you've ever been on an FBC ride. Or at least, one of the more recent FBC rides.

Hipsters discussing CX:

This weekend will be a departure for most of us - no outside drinks means we might have to have a Chablis-handoff or too. Stemware might be a bad idea...

-Casey F. Ryback


St. Vincent CX - Can we do it again?

Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! If you heeded my advice from the other day telling you to stay home from this week's Bubba CX race due to the extreme difficulty, then you may have made the right decision. I mean, it was really, really, really hard. Like porno-hard. But it wasn't just hard. It had big climbs, and they were soft. There were a lot of turns, and they were tight. There was deep mud, and it was fucked. There was speed, and it was fast. There were a lot of trees, and they made for nice scenery. In fact, the only thing that today's Bubba Race didn't have that would have completed the whole Euro-experience was cold rain. (But from someone who was helping set everything up and take everything down, I'm very thankful for the lack of rain.) Only a person with true legs of Quantanium could dominate this course.

St. Vincent County Park is located up on the St. Charles Rock Road, in an area that you probably don't go. The park is super nice, and it was quite obvious during our scouting mission that it was going to make for the best course yet this season. There are tons of features that can be used - a magical staircase straight outta' Harry Potter, endless windy open tree sections, sandpits (yes, more than one), some pavement, moar elevation change than you can shake a can of Batter Blaster at, and a metaphorical black hole which is used to suck the soul right out of you.

With a little bit of inter-team hype about this place, we had a strong showing of out own dark minions on the starting lines. In the SS race, Jonathan Cold, Punchor, T-tocs and Masson entered into glorious battle, only to find that it would have been easier to just pay the $20 race fee to a prison guard and have him just pummel your face along with the your t'aint for 45 minutes. In the B Race, Gino and myself duked it out; and by duked it out, I mean he lapped me. Of course, The Professor also had office hours during the A Race.

The day started out early. This means I woke up to use the bathroom over 2 hours before my alarm was to go off (around 3:50am), and upon laying back down, I started thinking about course routing, and before I knew it, it was time to get up. Awesome. Get up to the park, and with the help of Mike, Surly Merli, Devin, and Patrick, we had a good course marked out just in time for the XC run to start. But then Mike suggested that we extend the course up the hill for the bike race. (So blame that last wrist-snapping climb up to the trees and then onto the street right before the finish line on him.)

I was seething at the thought of what would be going through people's minds when they first cross the single barrier and looked up at the stairs that lead to the old hospital-turned-community-center. I envisioned horrific gnashing of teeth and gears - perhaps people stopping and mindlessly pulling their hair out, wailing uncontrollably. But no - they liked it! I expected to have people coming through the start/finish area flipping me off, but no - just that pain-cave determination that sez "This is fucking awesome, I'm going to snap the shit out of this course!"

Punchor and Mr. Cold were observed trading punches in the SS race, and I watched them and the rest of our squad churn up the wooded trail into brownies, setting it up nicely for us in the B race. I was racing in the B's simply by default, having been too busy prior to the SS race to be ready. Gino however, belongs at the head of this race, which he was. When he lapped me at the end of the race, my body was in the process of rejecting all of it's organs and muscles via my mouth, and he was out the saddle chasing down his nearest opponent.

Since my camera seems to have gotten scared of all the awesomeness that I put it through, it has hidden itself from me. So these photos are courtesy of MikeD and DennisF:
I don't think that this photo does the full staircase justice, as it is only part of it.

LC makes a great showing on his 2nd CX racer evar!

Zach is usually used to races lasting 12 times as long as this one did.

Boz has been off the CX bike for so long that it looks like he may have forgotten how to handle adverse conditions.

Fun fact: A lot of that mud was actually caused by fluid leaking out of my own wrists. I mean, there wasn't that much moisture there before the races started...

Boz must have decided to wait up for me, because we ended up man-training for the last lap and a half along with Bill from Mesa. (You may have mistaken Bill on Halloween for Matt James.)

I'd like to think that the A racers were trembling with fear after having watched the rest of us turn ourselves inside out on this course but I know bettar than that. These guys are serious business. Some moar photos:

What a cool shot of Alex, going Michael Jordan style!

The Professor, mid-lecture.

I think this may be the most "metal" shot of the day - Schottler climbing towards the ominous former hospital...

Wait a sec, didn't I somehow beat Furby at the Bubba #3, and now he's mixing it up with the A's?

Can all roadies do that?

Professor eats this shit up - one of the only dudes to actually smile as we slogged his way through the slop!The pros might not do this, but this truly is how you get to be St. Louis-Pro-As-Fuck (STLPAF).

Too bad Mr. Pain himself, Jeff Yielding, wasn't able to attend this week. It would have been interesting to see his reaction. This whole experience leads me to believe that anyone who enjoys - truly enjoys - this cyclocross thing might have something wrong with them, such as this guy:
"Soon, my pretties..."

Be there next weekend - where the course will actually go through the bar. You think I'm joking?

-Casey F. Ryback


This photo pretty much sums up how awesorme yesterdays cx race was. I am sure Coach will put up a full post, but till then enjoy this pic of Drewby gettin' dirty!


Get Ready, Bitches!

Greetings. I just wanted to let it be known that if you are planning on competing in this Sunday's edition of the Bubba Cross series, don't. It will be much too hard. Seriously, you might just want to go home, grab a couple of Smirnoff Ices, and curl up on the couch while watching whatever is on the Lifetime Movie Network. It will be a course that will defy all logic. St. Vincent, whom St. Vincent Park is named after, is said to be a logician, among other things. I'm pretty sure that if asked about this Sunday's race, he would probably say something like this: "A logical person wouldn't even set foot upon that race course, unless of course they were a huge fucking jerk."

Things you might encounter at this race: grinding climbs, stair-sections the likes of which you've nevar seen, sand pits (filled with sand from 1000 sandy vajayjays), twisty tree-lined descents, off-camber fence-lines, snake pits, flame throwers, mine fields, and vicious attack-kites:

No really. Don't do this race. Especially those Red Wheel jerks - I know they definitely don't want to get involved with anything THAT hard. They'd rather be partying with this guy and his shirt:

In other news, there is a race that has come to our attention, and we might just have to do it. Link here.

Prepapre your goddamned minds. (And drink moar coffee stout.)

-Casey F. Ryback


Bellafontaine Park CX

Team Seagal Loyalistas! We haven't had a ton of chatter on this "blorg" regarding all-out CX just yet, but don't let that fool you. I mean, holy shit - we're a little through the Bubba CX series, and our wrists are getting more and more tempered every day. Tempered with the dwindling weakness of our opponents and fueled by PBR, brats and chilli, we soldier on despite warm summer-like temperatures.

We have seen extended climbing at Jefferson Barracks, mud/costumes/pain at Creve Coeur Lake, ground as soft as Michael McDonald (formerly of Doobie Brothers fame and now competing with Kenny G at the Elevator Music Awards) at Faust Park, and now we've seen twisty, tire-brapping grass at Bellafontaine Park.

I lined up with the SS/C/Women race alongside Sasha Petrosevich, Jack Taggart, Jonathon Cold, The Great Punchor of Cocks, and a number of other notable adversaries. It wasn't long before the my day of waking up at 5AM, setting up the course and little eating or drinking caught up with me. I was getting passed left and right, only passing the guys who would wash out. I thought to myself, "OOOO-WEEE! why the shit did we have to go and make this course this hard?" Within 3 laps, my back pulled a Pizza-The-Hut and started eating itself to death. I was able to watch Cock Puncher chase down some floozy as they both passed my bloated carcass. Unfortunately, she was not a he and therefore did not have a cock to punch. I fought off the burning urge to dismount and "accidentally" fall onto some upturned wooden stakes. I also fought off Boob Jerkins, who made his nickname more clear as he was attacking me from behind...

It was not long after this photo was taken that he was disqualified for cheating due to unfair performance advantage.

There was one racer I managed to stay ahead of. You would have heard him coming from across the course, as he was breathing like a tortured dog in 120 degree heat. He passed me at one point before the Hermann-esque hillside, but I then managed to take that place back amidst a flurry of grunts and moans. I was running from him like a new inmate runs to protect his butthole. No photos were taken, but here is an artist's conception of the chase:

We got to see the Professor's Wife's new rare Kona, which was totally sweet. Speaking of the Professor, his skill with which he strikes deep into the heart of the A Class is mind-blowing. However, no one was safe from Butthead's late-race attack. He was lying in the pack much like a the razor Krusty-O sits in the box of regular Krusty-O's - just waiting to inflict a lot of pain, and you can't do anything about it. Meanwhile, the rest of us were spectating while riding down Jenkem River on the Cleveland Steamer, a ride onto which Drewballs was quick to hop.

Some photos of us in action (Thanks to Mike D.):

We did well, despite the presence of carbon tubular wheels/tires in the C Race - definitely where they are needed. Another dude who is doing sensationally is Jeff Yielding, taking 2nd today, and is riding up with teh big dogs this season. All the more reason to see what he has in store for us at the Missouri State Cyclocross Championships. He obviously is becoming more and more comfortable with un-ending pain, so this course he is concocting is a little intimidating. Rumor has it there will be starving zombie inmates roaming the course, and they will only want brains.

Stay tuned for info about CXMAS, the next non-race, and if we have anything to do with it, a small post-bubba cx series.

In the meantime, the Doctor has been very active lately with posting in his original blog which is located within the comments section of Robort's blog. It is enough to make your side split. Or your underpants split. Either way, you're a jerk and he is full of coffee and poo.

I'll leave you with some inspirational words of wisdom from Phil Collins: "Sussussudio!"

- Casey F. Ryback