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Mid-Week Middlefork Madness

Greetings you Jerks. Much like Robort's head while driving past a playground, the weather has turned. Orders came down from Team Seagal HQ to Jerkward and I, The Crotch. We were to take full advantage of this glorious weather and launch an all-out attack on the Mark Twain National Forest this past Thursday. After Nico's surgical strike-and-extraction of myself and my bike from my house, we set our crosshairs on the shores of Council Bluff Lake.

Our landing craft dropped us off at the boat launch, where we came ashore and geared up for the assault on the trail ahead. Arnold did an excellent reenactment as seen here:


A journey of a thousand miles starts with just one step. And a journey along the OT starts with a simple clicking in. We headed down the trail, towards the Telleck Connector, and let me tell you, it felt quite good to be able to pass by that damned camground climb. Further down the trail, we found some interesting sights:

This is what happened when that bridge tried to race us. It lost, as you can see.
We found this controlled-burn notice on a tree, but little did we know we hadn't heard the last about that.Mr. Toscani, taking full advantage of my super-secret stash of TP:
This was the first time that I had made it across this stream without getting hung-up mid-stream and having to put a foot down in the water. Turns out, even if you don't submerge your feet, they still get s-s-s-s-soaked.
Alas, our glorious day was about to take a turn. We were both feelin' fine and cherry wine with strong legs, backs and hands that have been conditioned well on this trail in recent weeks. Our bikes were in fine working order - me riding the Big Unit "King Midas Edition" and Jerky riding his Fellet-Brazed "B-29'r". The sun was out, the temperature was in the low 60's, a temperature that is most conducive to being jerky. Fatigue had not even set in when descending one of the more "carvy" and twisty downhills, I attempted to wheelie over a fallen branch. The branch wasn't havin' any of that fuckin' bullshit, and so it went and did this to my wheel:

Even though the wheel is at least 40 grams lighter without those two spokes, it was now getting its swerve on. Fortunately, that Salsa Delgado Cross rim is pretty burly so the wheel didn't even rub the frame, which allowed me to ride/limp the 15 miles back to our landing craft. The whole ride home I was thinking, "As long as I can make it back to the car, I'll fix this wheel and have it straighter than Branson, MO."

I sent Jerkward on his way to finish the last two hills Mario-Van-Peebles style while I backtracked one hill to the nearest gravel road, which I road back to finish the bailout route. On the way, I met Foghorn Leghorn and company:The (whom I suspect is the) owner of the chicken farm was out front of the place, and he gave me a big toothless smile and exclaimed how nice the day was. Indeed! He kinda looked like an old-timey prospector, like he should be holding a jug that says "XXX" on it.

Meeting back up with Nic-ward, we proceeded to man-train back to our extraction point. But not before being forced to recall that notice that was posted to the tree from earlier:




We finished with that many more hours and miles under our belts. Heading home, we pondered a few things. For example, we ponder what the names of those huge hills (probably in the St. Francios Mtns) were called:
We pondered what the fuck this sign means:And we also pondered what makes this building so damned professional:


The best part of the season is upon us. Let's enjoy this weather at least as much as I enjoy this video:


-Casey Fucking Ryback
A.K.A. "The Crotch"

p.s. My gas pills actually seem to work! Anyone want to buy some more for me?




13 comments:

1x1head said...

Headed to Council Bluff this Thurs 4/15 w/ Karl "Krush" from Klunk. Gonna camp for several days, Punchor is gonna try and get his jerk-ass down there friday for ridin/campin & general mayhem. Anybody else? Plan on riding Middlefork, North trace, C.B., and either Berryman or Marble Creek. drop me an e-mail if'n yer comin down. Don't forget delicious beer.

Brian said...

I rode the Berryman on the fateful day you speak of. I can't even begin to describe how perfect the weather was for mountain biking.

I'm looking to ride next Wednesday or Thursday. If you guys get something together for Thursday from Council Bluff I would definitely be interested.

Nico Toscani said...

Furby, you fucking Jerk. Midweek Middlefork Mahem will take place next Thursday for sure. Me and Crotch wil be there - we will crush it!

Casey Ryback said...

Thursday at Middlefork once again! I think we should do CB the opposite direction before hitting up Middlefork...


JERKS

Scott said...

You are all JERKS!!! Bankers hours suck sometimes. No time for fun during the week. I dont even work at a bank.

Casey Ryback said...

Sorry buddy, no sympathy here when I work both weekends days all the time.

Jork!

Mitch the Masher said...

Post burn is the BEST time to ride the OT. It is a sensation unlike any other. Carry on.....

Peat said...

Let me be the first to say it - Nice rigids.

And I mean that in a purely platonic way.

Brian said...

I'll be at the Berryman again today if you need me.

And you know what? The jerk store called...they're running out of you!

Have a good ride. I hope to make the Middlefork again on my rounds in the next several weeks. A total completion would be super kick-ass.

MC Stankles said...

Thanks for making fun of me again why don't you find another target next time. Just a thought. I would hate to have to put you in the hospital.

C-Dubs said...

That is some shot of Nico in the woods. Perhaps Braveheart and the boys at Concept Farm can do some of their computer magic and confirm if Nico is producing quality tubing for Jenkem Cycles.

Brian said...

Just as soon as I posted a comment on a post about the Middlefork on the inimitable Team Seagal blog, I found myself on one of these epic rides with none other than Casey Fucking Ryback himself.

Post here and you may end up on one of these rides as well.

Unless your name is Robert.

Ralph Pfremmer said...

Everyone knows those chickens are zombies, fucking zombies chased me up that fucking hill.