Queeny Park Foolishness!

Greetings Team Seagal fanboi's! It's been a while since I've been able to bring you a report. But alas, I've been out of the country on sabbatical, working with the street children in Zambia, helping to further the research of that country's main export - lung butter.

That doesn't mean that in the meantime, we here at Team Seagal HQ have been sitting on our hands. CX recon, Chorbb Monday's, riding the OT, and yes - mixing it up at the front of Missouri CX races. It never stops around here. We've been as busy as Criss Angel is gay, and that's pretty damn busy.

Last weekend was the highly anticipated Halloween CX double-header. And we put the "debauchery" in "highly anticipated Halloween CX double header." So there I was, 4 episodes into a lengthy Matlock marathon, when I figured a sure-fire way to get a ridiculous costume. One trip to the St. Vincent dePaul Thrift Store and $15 later, and I was the owner of a pretty wedding dress. Part of the fun with that dress was coming up with stories behind all the different stains. Let's face it though - what kind of gayz0rz jibroney would not dress up for a night race on Halloween weekend?

For the night race, the park rangers allowed the course to cross over the bike path and stretch down to the beach, which is where the real tomfoolery happened. A few dudes figured out that skirting the edge of the water wasn't a bad way to get through, as long as they avoided the fish that stunk like a wooly mammoth's dick stuck in petrified shit.

Two Peat Henry's!

Nice thighs.

Even good buddy Scotty Peipert had his mind on one thing during that race, getting smelly fish bucks and riding the grassy step-up. Nice fucking work. Between him, Ray Mysterio, ET and Elliot, Dawg the Bounty Hunter, all the PBR we were putting down our throat-holes, and of course "Fat Boy" who had to lift his fat boy nuts up and onto the saddle each time he remounted, we were having more fun than Buddy has when DQ'ing riders.

Last week's ridiculousness behind us, I was particularly excited to return to Queeny Park, as the last time we were there, it was a truly "Belgian" experience. There were even Trappist Monks brewing beer that day. This time the weather was going to be as it has been this entire CX season - warm, dry, and dusty. So instead of conditions being the main attraction, it was going to be all about the course, which we (the Bubba crew) had carefully constructed (within the paramaters set by the Park Ranger) to be a welcome change from almost everything that we'd seen so far this year. A course that would favor both mountain bikes and CX bikes. And uphill start that send the man-train down the horse trail, uphill barriers, and then slaloming down the field before entering into the woods where you could really hold off your opponents with finely-honed bike handling. A series of slight bottlenecks, dusty turns, and rooty sections would see to that. Finally, you would dump out onto the pavement and start climbing where your better option would have been to ritualistically kill yourself by disembowelment, rather than face the slight headwind that greated you as you approached the summit. And if you avoided the thorns that were prevalent out there, you had a chance at another lap.

I lined up on the SS start line with a rather large field, though we were missing a couple of Mesa Jerks who were out in Moab being sonsabitches. I found myself next to our own Forrest Taft, Masson Storm, Stoveward P. Stovington, and Ginz0rz. As usual, I was at max heartrate before getting clipped in. As our train of dudes choo-choo'd down the first doubletrack, I quickly found my place as the caboose with Masson and a relative newcomer to the StL scene, Dwayne, who, as it turns out, is what he eats, and he only eats jerky.

The three of us were keeping a very high pace together for maybe two laps, before I decided that I had been demoralized by the Tropical Storm as he hammered passed me on the final straight too many times, and I started to peel off the back like dead skin off of Zombie Elvis. Masson's climbing prowess surprised me, as he is not a beanpole by any means. My theory is from when he regaled me with a tale of his half-hour long morning constitutional that morning, where he nearly achieved liftoff. I believe that he was left nearly hollow inside, thus significantyly reducing his weight and making for an incredible power-to-weight ratio. He and Dwayne rode off without me. Probably for the best, as I was clearly not anywhere near a superior state of mind, exemplified by my endo over the first barrier. I later flatted as I started the next lap, which ended my involvement in that race. At least I wasn't the only one to eat shit during that race.

That was all find and dandy, as I was able to get a headstart on spectator debauchery. After walking the course and fixing some course tape, I joined forces with the rest of the Team Seagal Wrecking Crew, which also included Jerkward and Lawman and we proceeded to give B and A racers the needed motivation to ride the U-Turn at the end of the two-way straightaway in the woods as fast as possible.

We must have made plenty of noise, as we were soon joined by an estrogen-heavy contingent of hecklers including Carrie Cash, Ms. Braddock, and company. With our powers combined, we were the loudest thing in Queeny Park. Former Ray Mysterio managed a ball-buck, or "crotch-preem" from Lawman's pants, and later got my "mouth-buck." Scooter attempted valiantly to snatch the beer from the tree, though it was tight, and ended up in the woods. No matter, Casey Saunders may or may not have got a $5 bill/PBR combo using that same can.

The real excitement came from watching Butthead, Devin and Professor unhitch all other man-cars, and train around the course in a most mind-blowing fashion. Before long, it broke down to just Professor and Josh, which made for an epic battle all the way up until the last uphill finish straight - and since Dan actually breaths helium, he managed to pull away for the win! Shades of last year's experience at Mt. Pleasant Winery, for sure!

We should consider ourselves to be pretty lucky, as we this weather was uh-mazing. The only thing more amazing is this music video, which can't be embedded, so click the link.
Yep, those Village People.

There are many things to look forward to the rest of this season, so stop whining, and be fucking ready.

I've missed you,
-Casey Fucking Ryback

Thanks for the photos, EvilleMike!


Scott said...

Holy shit!!!


Brian said...

It felt very satisfying to beat every member of Team Seagal who entered my race. I think the man train is running off of the tracks. Maybe you guys need to spend more time riding and less time watching vintage Village People music videos.

But seriously...Masson crushed it. He almost rammed himself into me. My fear of being rear-ended, prevented that from happening. He's one fast SOB.

What's wrong with Norcorn? If he doesn't race me soon I'm going to write a 300 page epic poem detailing my depression and sadness. Team Trail Monster also needs to take off his T-shirt and put on a jersey. WTF! I need to beat you guys to feels whole inside.

Dwayne VanHoose said...

Thanks jerks. Great race! Masson is now my Newman. ;)

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