Death By Hills, just over the hill

NOTICE: To all jerks planning on jerkin' it up on the ride, please Park in the lot directly across Clayton Road from Lone Wolf Coffee. This makes things better for everyone! Jerks!

Greetings Team Seagal Soldiers. This winter so far has had more white powder than I did that time I got to meet Tom Boonen at the sex and drugs party. Rest assured, the wintry conditions have not kept the Seagal Pain Train from loosing steam. In fact, we've picked up more fuel to put on this year's fire - a fire that will burn longer than a tire fire, and more intensely than Energor's jet packs.

In order to further stoke the fire, Death By Hills is happening. And by "it's happening," I mean I got someone to work for me that day, so I'm doin' a road ride with whomever else shows up. Like I said last year, if it is below freezing, I probably won't be committing to the full route, because 6+ hours is pretty fucking tricky in that kind of weather. Same goes for if it is snowing/has recently snowed, or is raining.

NEW AND IMPROVED: Last year, Mitch "I Eat Spikey-Metal Krusty-O's For Breakfast Because I Like Pain" Mashor discovered another hill, that is fairly early in the ride, and I think that I, and anyone else who is going, should go up this thing. It's another out and back, and it is called STARWOOD RD. It lies between Old State Road and John's Cabin Rd, on Red Tail Hawk Drive. HERE. It may be one of the steepest hills on the route.

Only a few places to refuel, so come prepared:
-gas station at Allenton/I-44
-gas station at Wildhorse Creek/Eatherton (at the top of "Doberman Hill")
-gas station at 109/Hwy 100 - this isn't exactly ON the route, but it's fairly close by.
-Thrasher? Got any more cake chunks? Bueller?

Deets Me, Brah:

Where: Ralph's Place - they close at 3 on Sundays, so don't expect to get food there after the ride.
Where to: almost the same as last year, Route. Keep in mind that the route isn't marked at all.
When: Same day as Froze Toes! Feb 27th, 9AM - that means CLICKING IN AT 9, so fucking get there early.
Pace: Cheesy does it. Hammer if you want to, but almost all the cars were gone by the time the group that I was in finished.

The route, typed out for you to print:

-Start at Lone Wolf Coffee
-Head west on Clayton,
-Left on Thunderhead Canyon Dr.
-Left on Westglen Farms Dr.
-Right on "Village Plaza View Dr," toward the stripmall
-enter bike path opposite the parking lot
-left across black pedestrian bridge, crossing Hwy 100
-left after bridge
-right onto Old Manchester (across from the Jack in the Box)
-left onto Woods Rd. Descend and turn left up Bartizan, come back down, and continue down Woods.
-left onto bike path and ride south along Hwy 109.
-left up Old State for about .1 mile
-left onto Redtail Hawk Dr
-Then turn/veer left onto Johns Cabin Rd, which is a clockwise loop (Mitch's secret training loop) and will bring you back to Old State. (BUT not before making a quick left up and back down Starwood Rd!)
-Cross 109 at Old State, turn right up Alt Rd.
-Left on Forby.
-Right onN. Central Ave
-Cross over Hwy 44, turn right onto West Main St (in between train tracks.)
-left onto Wengler and start Allenton Loop, going CCW.
-Exit Allenton Loop to the left, go underneath Hwy 44, and climb Allenton Rd.
- right onto Scenic Loop Rd, going opposite direction.
-right, continuing on Allenton Rd.
-left onto Melrose
-right onto Hwy 100
-right onto Woodland Meadows Dr.
-right onto Old Manchester
-right onto Glencoe (through Rockwoods.)
-Go straight up Melrose
-Turn right (again) onto Hwy 100, cross over and turn left and continue on Melrose all the way until it descends to Hwy T.
-Left on T
-Left on Bassett
-Left onto Cremin's Green, out-and-back. Continue up Bassett.
-Left onto Old Manchester
-left onto Bouquet.
-Left onto Ossenfort, cross T, and continue on Ossenfort.
-Right turn onto Hardt Road (at the bottom of Ossenfort Hill)
-Left turn up Dehardt Farms Rd at stopsign - go to end and turn back around in cul-de-sac.
-right back onto Hardt Rd, returning to Ossenfort.
-right back onto Ossenfort
-Continue straight onto Wild Horse Creek
-turn left up Babler Forest as an out-and-back.
-Come back down, and turn right onto Wild Horse Creek, climbing to Rieger.
-Turn left onto Rieger
-Right on Pond.
-left on Smith School Rd.
-Left on BA.
-left into Babler State Park. Once in Babler, turn right onto John Cochran Dr (CCW loop), turn right up Theodore Wirth Drive, and left down Guy Park Dr (past the pool). Turn right back up John Cochran Dr, climb up the first hill, and turn left at the bottom of the other side (also John Cochran Dr (be careful on the gravel!) and duck under gate to exit Babler State Park.
-Immediately turn right up Wild Horse Creek Drive (Doberman.)
-Turn right onto Old Eatherton.
-Left onto Orville.
-Right up Shephard.
-Left onto bike path alongisde 109
-Left onto Clayton back to Lone Wolf Coffee.

*a mercy option to take Shephard to Streucker to Kehrs Mill back to Lone Wolf is in effect, thus shortening the ride by several miles.
*Please take note of where to exit Babler State Park - it is not well marked, and easy to miss. It is at the bottom of the second climb, when you will pass by it at first, and then loop back around to it. It is not very well paved, and you will have to go underneath a metal gate.
*UPDATE* the addition of going to DeHart Farms might be out because of bridge that is out, in which case we'll just continue down Ossenfort.

Nico Toscani posted a Garmin link from the ride last year, seen here. Note that it does not include Cremin's Green or Babler Forest.

Simpsons Trivia Time:

What video game is this for, and what does Santa say here?

That's all for now,
-Casey F. Ryback, Regular Guy


Mason Storm said...

By me bonestorm or go to Hell!!

Sasha Petrosevitch said...


Peat said...

Fucking awesome.

Craig said...

I'll have water at my place for sure (think I'm about mile 40, on the Melrose plateau where you can see Hidden Valley).

I'll probably be able to scrounge some fat/carb enorgy from the bakory and have them in my driveway again.

Sunny and 45 degrees with clear roads would be nice.

A note from the pontificator... said...


Exciting news indeed. However (Matt please post this on the site) we cannot allow anyone to park on the lot and leave their cars there all day, making it impossible for customers to enjoy The Wolf.

All you have to do is park on the other side of Clayton Road and walk accross prior to the rollout. This is mucho importantay!


There is plenty accross the street.

I will join you pathetic pieces of winters fat.

Justin said...

Holy Fuck, Yes!!

Justin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scott said...

AHHHHH FUUUUCKKKKKK!! Next year you guys should host the death by hills ride that is exclusively down hills.

Scott said...

..or not.

Casey Ryback said...

I was just out that way today, and the hills and as big and steep as ever. See you fuggin' jerks lator.

Doctor said...

You jerk ass jerks. I have to say that the "course" description will surely go down in the anals of typing history. If you stretched all the characters end to end it would reach the moon. amazing work.


PS You're going to feel like you are climbing to the moon trying to get out of Babler. Jerks.

Casey Ryback said...

Leave it to the Doctor to bring up the act of going down into some anals. By the way Doctor, check your blorg comments.

Mitch the Masher said...

Cut n paste this, bitches for the real ride!


I am sooooo fat right now!

CockPunchor said...

MashOr, that is an impressive set of data. Nearly 11k in helevation gain. Nice work. I look forward to seeing you ride away from me at this year's event. Or non-event, such as it is.

Mitch the Masher said...

Only way you'll be gettin me up a hill fast this year will be to dangle a cheeseburger out in front of me!

seamonkey said...

i hope to attend this performance and will be stopping by my joint off horneker to siphon off my fluid-filled lungs.

Manorexic Mike Bruzina said...


DBMFH happens every weekend, sometimes both days.


Just make sure to bring enough Sudafed blister packs for the meth stop. It's kind of like wheels in/wheels out.


Mitch the Masher said...

With all due respect to the "southern jam fest", you only have a handful of hills on that ride that fit the bill for this march. Difference is you guys hammer between hills. The rollers are what get you down there, these are just flat out monsters. Not all are very long but each will leave its mark.

I miss you guys!

Mitch the Masher said...

Here's my count. Excluding the Dehart farms out and back, 12 hard ass climbs and 12 hard climbs.

Hard ass climbs-
John's Cabin
2nd south Allenton loop climb
Sceinic loop
Woodland Meadows
Melrose-both parts as one
Cremin's Green
2nd Bouquet climb
Babler Forest

Hard climbs-
1st south Allenton loop climb
1st Bouqet climb

Craig said...

Cake and water served at mile 46. No puking allowed in my yard. Go to the neighbor's yard for that.