Greetings Team Seagal Disciples. This is the time of year that starts to *really* get interesting. The greatest mountain bike races on Earth (G.M.B.R.O.E.) are going on, such as the Chorbb TT, Rapture in Misery (usually), Berryman Epic, CX season is starting to ramp up, and of course... BURNIN'. My t'aint is quivering in anticipation. But more on Burnin' lator.
But first, the Team Seagal Department of Public Information has released recently de-classified documents that reveal the results of the Chubb Time Trial, held this past Sunday. For the second time in Team Seagal history, we have swept the podium! First place in the Singlespeed Class was one Nico "The Ultimate Jerk" Toscani, Second place was one Orin "Get Fucked" Boyd, and Third place was in fact one Jonathon "Stoveward P. Stovington III, Esq." Cold! Seen in action in order, courtesy of the esteemed Mr. Rybar:
There have only been a few other times when I have received news of such truly amazing proportions - the most recent such incident was when Nico divulged the existence of a toilet within his family's possession known simply as "The General" on account of it being the extinct 7 gallon flush. This just goes to show you what a year's worth of Chubb Mondays can get you.
Speaking of toilets, I think that I speak for the entire Team Seagal War Machine when I say that I am more than excited at the chance to use the pit toilets at the Council Bluff campground next weekend, because that means we are on the front lines of the Burnin' at the Bluff race. It has been a full year now since we last watched the final man-train choo-choo it's way up that climb, and it has been a full year since I lost our team's 2nd place spot less than 1 minute from the finish line. Thanks, Jim Krewet. Well it is a new year, and our t'aints have been fully-tempered on all different trails across the land, ready to lay waste to all that oppose them (and by them, I mean our t'aints.)
We'll be launching assaults on all fronts, so watch yer B-side. 'Specially you, Mr. Jenkins - you had better be wearing your B-side chastity belt. I know that even though our trusty Doctor can't be there at the Blorff, he will be there in spirit along with C-dorbs. And I know that Ministor will be there in spirit drinking some Faux-sure right there next to me and my brat-burgers.
This. Will. Be. Awesorme.
-Casey F. Ryback