Death By Hills 'aught 12

Greetings, climby nut-jobs. This ride is starting to resemble the Bejing Olympics Opening Ceremony - people as far as the eye can see. We have done this ride 4 years now, and when it comes to weather, we have gotten more lucky than all the band members of Nickelback when giving each other "backstage passes" out back behind their tour bus. Sorry, Ben G.

This year promised to be as hard as ever, with unrelenting pavement that seems to have only gotten smoother. Thankfully we were all in our new kits which are chronically baller. But kits don't get you to the finish line - you need a good bike. I wasn't sure which bike would be the best choice for the ride this year, but I was sure that I wanted a bike that would not hold me back at all. Fortunately, I came across this comprehensive review of a very high performance model that I decided to use:

With the suspension, I was very comfortable over all 92 miles, and the 18 speeds really helped me climb all those hills.

A buttload of people showed up for this ride - I would guess that it had to be over 100 people. It was great to see a lot of people from various groups, like those SCCC jerks (perhaps vagina donuts next time?), Pete Goode who is actually currently on his second lap, a bunch of people I've never met, Fearsom Earsom, and countless other dorks. I mean lets face it, we are all huge fucking dorks. Look at how far back this line of dorks goes:

Things found on today's route:

Nothing like a mid-ride glory hole.

Despite being one of the very last people to roll in, alongside Matt Hayes, I must say that I actually felt pretty good - but not as good as the handful of jerks that rode their singlespeeds up all these long, steep hills. Especially you, Toscaniward - he helped provide me with sustenance in the shape of hash crowns with pepper cheese, which was in addition to the donuts that I ate on the way to the ride. That's how we get ready.

Also great thanks goes to Strove's parents who provided some of us with much needed water and sammiches.  Ooooweee. And I hope that the one girl from Colorado learned that Missouri has some hills, even if they aren't 20 miles long.

Not a whole lot to say, other than a 60 degree day in February spent on the bike from morning to evening is a day well spent. Perhaps Snurb's newly created Bathtub Mary has had some influence on our fortunes... Anyway, this was a very strenuous ride, so I'm going to kick back and watch one of my old favorites:

-Crotchward F. Crotchback

P.S. Here's my garmin link, though I think the elevation is a bit off. If you have garmin links, post 'em up.


New East Coast Syndicate said...

F*@kin' sweet kit.

Trail Monster said...

Word is Rock was the first non-official to the finish along with ... dang can't remember after the sight of his super aero chops!

Trail Monster said...

Word is Rock was the first non-official to the finish along with ... dang can't remember after the sight of his super aero chops!

seamonkey said...

I finished not feeling completely destroyed as in year's past on similar lengthy rides. I attribute this to finally trying soda as an elixir en route. Shit is ton's better than any powder magic in a tub. A non-event well done.

CockPunchor said...

Amazors as usual. Thanks, Crotch. Mid ride poop along the road was epic weight reduction. I took two pictures on the ride, and both were of toilets! JERKS!!!!

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of the ride was when I found out the asshole in Strove's parents neighborhood called the cops on us!


Scott said...

Sweet ass ride. I still am curious what exactly that guy reported when he called the police on us. "Hello, Police? I would like to report a bunch of jeRks on the shoulder of the road doing nothing..."..?

I feel sorry for that guys dog.

Anonymous said...

Awesome ride by all jerks!! Thanks for letting me drop in.

-Girl from CO

Orin Boyd said...

Leg Titty's 2012 DBMFH Garmin Link.

New East Coast Syndicate said...

Arm Baby, nice profile - looks like a saw blade.

Sam Axel said...

Coach, you can keep your $80 Next. I crushed those hills on my $110 GMC Denali road bike. Check out my review here.