Greetings, Team Seagal Tifosi! At Team Seagal HQ, we've been busy deploying soldiers to both the Dirty Kanza and the State Singlespeed Championships, recently. In addition to that, we have been scouting out our next business venture.
The way we see it, the St. Louis region doesn't have enough places to drink. This is the reason why we're considering opening a bar. And, being pretty well involved already with cycling, it would have to be bike-themed. However, there are already a few of those around. So instead, why not something more specific - a triathlon-themed bar?
Yes, at The Aero Bar you'll be right at home. It would have everything to appeal to everyone from the first time "sprint-distance" finisher to the die-hard Ironman.
Located near the center of New Town St. Charles, it would be perfectly situated as a meeting point for miles and miles of flat-as-a-board group rides on your tri-bike. Step inside to find a welcoming, familiar-to-a-triathlete interior:
-Bar stools with most padding at the front
-All beverages will be served in tear-drop shaped glasses, and with a straw or drinking tube inserted.
-The top of the bar will never be wiped down of spilled drinks, allowing our patrons to reminisce about their sticky downtubes
-The edge of the bar will be lined with round, convex pads for resting our patrons arms
-The bathrooms will have first-ever Quintana Roo-shaped urinals, and the stalls will just be a towel on a wall hook that you have to wrap around your as you sit down to drop a duece. Or, if you choose, you can elect to pee or shit while partially submersed in a small kiddie pool.
-We will lobby to eliminate public urination as a crime, as long as it is done while riding a bike, or if you are urinating onto a bike.
-Turn in a pair of used nipple-band-aids for a free drink on Wednesdays
-Mark Weinholtz will play every Friday and Saturday night
-Long-sleeve shirts will be banned
-All drink glasses will have margarita salt around the rim, much like all the bolts on our patrons' bikes.
-All wall surfaces will be dimpled, so as to allow wind from the ceiling fans to more easily flow through the room
-There will be an underpants vending machine for when our patrons forget to not shit themselves
-Hooks to hang your cool-max visors will be located by the front door
-All bar stools will have a urine tube extending up in case you are about to bag some chick and you can't interrupt your game
-The doorways, or "transition areas between rooms" will be lined with little towels and have a stool next to them.
-True to tri-rules, "drafts" will be illegal
-All the servers and bartenders will be Criss Angel Impersonators
Please stay tuned for the Grand Opening announcement!
-Casey F. Ryback