Jerkduro-The Deuce

Number Two is about to happen!
No, you don't need to clench your butthole tighter, Jerkduro #2 will be happening this Sunday at Bluff View Trail. Bluff View is generally fast fun and reasonably flowy, no sphincter-tightening sections to be found here.

When: 10am Sunday Feb 2
-This means some jerks will be there at 930 or so to take down non-racer names, bomb the porta-potties, and generally make you wonder why you showed up
-Around 10am we'll ride over to the start of  Bluff View as a group

Where: Gravel Lot with the porta-potties near the start of the Al Foster trail

Yeah its going to be cold...
So dress warm, drink up, remove that sand, and be there!


Sans Jerkduro, The Chariot Ride. Plus, a New Enemy Gains Prominence

Greetings, jerky turd-buckets! Today we were to attempt to have the first of the Jerkduro series, which would test your metal, ability to resist gravity, and probably also your word-problem solving skills, just because hey, fuck it. However, thanks to glorious weather directly following less than glorious weather, the freeze-thaw cycle was surely in full effect. So, no Jerkduro today.

That's why Energor gave us road bikes though, right? For us to use on those days when any responsible mountain biker would look at the trails and say to themselves, "Instead of being a huge fucking DICK, I'll find something else to do. Because I'm not a fucking dick." So since today we were expecting to top 50+ degree temps, the last minute decision was made to hit up a little group road ride. I received orders from Team Seagal HQ just in time, because I had plans of calling a couple non-riding buddies to see if they wanted to meet for a lively discussion on the pros and cons of the oxford comma. Fortunately, my comrades were there to save the day by providing the right counsel and guidance.

Enter the 23c tire. The plan, devised at the last minute, was to rendezvous at The Hub at 10, at which point we would declare "Manifest Destiny!" and head west - into the wind. I departed from Casa Del Crotch-ito on my not-for-gravel bike, and it wasn't long before I threw up my hands and made the decision to stop fooling myself, and get off the standard 39/53 double train. I would tell myself "Don't replace it! You can still utilize the standard double! C'mon, a compact on a carbon bike? Really?" However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is like when parents tell their kids that "You can do anything," or "You can be anything you want to be in life, as long as you put your mind to it." ...when they know in the back of their mind that there is little to no chance that little Payden/Jayden/Brayden/Cayden or little Addison/Madison/Madyson will ever do anything worthwhile in their life, besides try meth a few times and then ending up with a car that isn't worth replacing the missing hubcaps.

Where the fuck were we? Oh yeah, we were meeting at The Hub. I, the honorable Coachward F. Crotchington, rolled up, and was soon joined by the likes of Harlan "Moar Hopslam Pleez" Banks, Cock "Moar Stag Pleez" Punch0r, Jerkward "No-'Stache" Toscani, and eventually Gino "4 Ti bikes, no big deal" Felino. Our strike force was gaining strength faster than Criss Angel's boner at T-ball practice.

As we were congealing in the sun across from The Horb, waiting for our train to reach full strength, we were accosted by none other than Rock "Road season is my CX off-season" Wamsley, who was regaling us with tales of his glorious ride, and the rough transition from CX season's short efforts to road/mountain season's longer, sustained efforts. All this was well and good, and something to which we can all relate, but I think have finally cracked his go-fast secret. And it is something I have never been able to employ - and that is motivation - specifically being motivated to get up early enough for a 60+ mil ride that is finished by 10AM. Generally speaking, at 10AM I am still debating whether to make coffee or walk across my street and get coffee at the coffee shop.

Waiting for the Mayor of St. Pizza-burg, what happened next was one of those moments that makes you chuckle the rest of the day - much like when punching a juggalo. We were directly in front a of a church, which was about to start "services," so naturally, there were a lot of people parking nearby and walking in. One elderly couple, perhaps 75 to 80, pulled up and parked in the street directly in front of us. The elderly man stepped out, took one look at us, and, gesturing at Nico, said "How can HE ride with you guys, when he doesn't even have a beard?" Well played, old man!If only Doctor's glorious beard had been in attendance, we would have given that old dude a serious case of 'Stro-verload.

We'd had enough lip from churchy locals, so once FuckDelivery rolled up, we were finna head out faster than C-Dubs jumping out of bed for the first of his two morning constitutionals. Heading west, we rolled up Ballas (much to Pizza's dismay) and then bombed down Marshall, and into the Valley Park flats:

Pathlete style was much more preferable to the wind-tunnel that was Marshall Road. I tear was brought to my eye as we rolled past the site of Cross-ocalypses Past. Continuing through all that bullshit, much was discussed. Before long, we were squeezed out and pinched off onto Big Bend, which is truly a shitty road between Sulfur Springs and Ries Road. I am crossing my fingers that one day there will be a connecting bike path along the river that connects the lot at Hwy 141 and the Meremac River right into Castlewood State Park. The only problem is that my fingers generally spend most of their time in my ass, as I don't have much better to do, so crossing them might get cancelled out by all the poo particles.

We passed by Ries, because when headed into the wind, why stop the party train? Anyway, that rained on my Ries-Road-Top-Speed run. I'm usually good for 49-50mph according to the ole' Cat's Eye. But this time, we headed out to New Ballwin, on toward Queefer Creek, and onto a St. Paul/Ridge Rd lap, especially impressive since singlespeed Snurby was zig-zagging up St. Paul more than the boys who escape from Criss Angel's compound zig zag while on the run through his yard, as they try to avoid the tranquilizer darts from the guard towers.

This brought us to a favorite vista of ours, which affords us a view of Downtown StL, even the Arch if you squint really hard:

We continued onto Hutchinson/Stop-Sign Road, and at the end of that, our group split into a Punch0r/Pizza faction, and a Snurb/Toscani/Ryback faction. Our trio turned with the wind onto Clayton, which we took all the way back home, and were pleased to find that we could maintain between 20 and 30 mph. For me, this was mostly was possibly only because I was riding the Toscani-Snurb Chariot, with the two of them side-by-side in front of my rotting carcass, pulling me all the way back, much like this, but with less dorkiness:
As we were man-training our way eastward on Clayton Road, it truly was amazing how many people were out riding - there were more bikes out there than there are cell phone commercials with ukelele music. Fuck!

In other news, we purposefully don't get too political on this site, but I feel that we should bring up something that could fuck it up for all of us: E-Mountain Bikes.
one example.
 E-Bikes, more commonly known as fucking Mopeds, are already currently being ridden all over the fucking place, like bike paths and sidewalks - the few places where pedestrians and cyclists can AVOID motorized traffic. For the longest time, their purpose was to make it easier for people to get to places - putting a motor (electric or gas, doesn't matter) on a bicycle, which then becomes a moped. I guess it was inevitable then, that some lazy turds would start attaching motors to their mountain bikes so that they could go faster and climb easier up those hard hills.

Take a look at this site dedicated to the whole thing, and then do a google search for more info:

How lazy do you have to be to skip using a dirtbike/motorcross bike for a bicycle, only to put a motor on it anyway. And what are the chances that any of these lazy turds would actually continue riding their off-road moped under their own power once the juice runs out? Zero. And how long before these lazy fuckers start getting lumped in with the rest of mountain bikers in the eyes of equestrians and hikers?

Motor + bike = moped
No Mopeds on Trails.

Here's my E-ku:

Lazy pedaler
Climbing hills is hard work, man
Watch how fast I go

Anyway, final note is this - now that I can say I'm from the South Side, I'll mention that I put the "fun" into "funna," as in we're funna do Death By Hills on February 23rd. Same time, place, and route, weather permitting, with rain date of March 2nd. More details to come, as there has been discussion regarding a way to make something better than more farts come out of this ride. Let's all revel in one of my favorite photos of the past: What a jerk.

Get Fucked!
-Casey F. Ryback

P.S. check out the new Raijin, cuz!

This may or may not be my weapon of choice for the 100 mile P-T-P OT race. Stay tuned for that!


Jerkduro #1


Jerkduro #1 for January 26 is not gonna happen. By 8am the temps should be above freezing already. It's going to be a freakin great day with a high in the 50s, but that's not going to be good for the trail. No jerks will be riding that soft slippery mess.

5 more potential dates to go...


2014 Joe Dirt Ride

Greetings, Team Seagal loyalistas! When January weather gives you a window through which you are able to escape into the southern Missouri woods, you better damn well take it. And this Sunday was rife with sunshine and mild temperatures. So you know us, a superior strike force was readied via a directive straight from Team HQ - all the way from the top.

So our official Team Seagal Strike Force involved Roland "My Nerves Finally Healed After Last Year's Joe Dirt Ride" Sallinger, Orin "Sir Chop-lesteen" Boyd, Cock "My Butthole Was Moar Tender at the End of the Ride" Punchor, Gino "I'm Not Above Using Free Tires on My Handmade Bicycle" Felino, and out very own "If Triathlons Involved Camping, Floating and Biking I would King Shit of Tri-Mountain" Lawman. Oh, and I, Casey "What Can My Brown Do For You" Ryback, was also attending, putting the "I eat" into "dead weight." But we weren't alone in our quest to slay the mighty hills of the Greater St. James area. We had many an ally by our sides. Matt of the North, Pat of the East, not to mention the German Techno Wizard himself, Dan Fuhrmann, who expertly laid out an excellent route and marked it quite well.

The previous night, I may or may not have drank a few too many Coffee Stouts and directly-imported Raniers with like-minded jerks:

...and these substances may or may not have lead me to dream of recumbents. Seriously - ask Mrs. Crotch. It was also during that time that I found out that shower beers may be a regional thing to Missouri. And I would like to confirm or dis-confirm this.

Back to the ride at hand, we rolled out and had an excellent ride along farmlands up a lovely gravel road for a few miles before the first hill showed it's face. Our strike force shoved its way up the hill, and continued its path of destruction. I was becoming acutely aware of a terrible Meatloaf song that was stuck in my head, and had been since the previous day, so I had to work to replace it with something else - something better. My brain, not completely worthless (in life) just yet, was able to conjure up an old favorite, courtesy of Ronnie James Dio (RIP):

The roads were beautifully packed, and my extra-heavy tires kept the party train rolling with nary an issue:

The climbs were tough, but bombing the descents was totally worth it, as we got to C-C-C-C-C-RUSH those downhills. Each hill I climbed, I was happier and happier that I was able to take a truly great morning constitutional, which would be one more "load" off my mind.

Our thoughts strayed to dearest Peat, and the untimely snapping of his hip's wrist. Peat, may you rest and heal well. But then my spirits were lifted when I had the most perfect spraying of water onto a potential chasing-dog's face.

Riding along side so many great friends, we couldn't help but tally the various types of beer cans I viewed on the ground: Natural Light, Milwaukee's Best Light, Coors Light, Bud Light - thus indicating no real allegiance to one brand of beer. This is different from my findings last year at the Hairy 100 in Rocheport - only Bud products, there.

Further into the loop, there were signs directing travelers to the Whispering Winds bible camp. Part of me wondered if Dan was directing the course there as a practical joke, in hopes that all of the Seagal guys would be snagged and given sexual re-assignment therapy. It was not to be though - we managed to out-fox him and finish his "ride."

Going out on the second loop, I was optimistic. Food in stomach, sun on my face, I was feeling better than Criss Angel after a week as a bathroom attendant at the Kinder Care. My legs were fading, but, like the boys that Criss Angel has in his van right now, they were still kicking. Made it all the way to the top of the final climb, and the last road down to the highway was real smoove.

Arriving back at the cars with my boy Roland Sallinger, I reflected on how happy I was to not be doing a triathlon. So I came up with this tri-ku:

My prone position
Corroded bolts all over
Bike is now one piece

I also came back to my phone to find that a friend had sent me a link to a case report in a top medical journal - a report that refutes something I have been saying for YEARS. The saying, something I would say to prospective Mrs. Crotch's, was "Don't worry baby, your face can't get pregnant..."  Well, as it turns out, I was wrong - it apparently can. See here for details.

Hanging out in the parking lot, we soon moved to a local eatery, where we were fortunate to see Nick and a few others tackle "El Diablo." I haven't seen a grown man sweat that much since Criss Angel was pulled over in his van that I mentioned earlier, just for a busted tail light. Nice work, and congrats.

Alright Now,
-Crotchward F. Crotchback

P.S. I would like to submit another addition to the official Team Seagal List of Manliness - Operating a Jackhammer.


This Sunday!

Greetings. It was just brought to my attention that this fucking Sunday is in fact the Joe Dirt Ride, put on my the Rolla Giant himself, one Dan Fuhrmann. Here's the info:


There are battle plans being drawn up in the Team Seagal War Room to deploy a strike force, the likes of which Rolla's tain'ts have never seen.

Speaking of things you never seen, I have found another, moar extreme recumbent trike vid. Right of the bat, it starts off fucking extreme:

I got some fancy new tires, and they are so extreme, that they belong on a KMX Trike, right next to the Shimano Megarange 11-34 freewheel and the Camelback water bottle. So... Who's in for some Burley Joe Dirtin'? I'm in.

-Casey F. Ryback


Get Stoked.

In order to help you jerks get excited for some Jerkduro business, I thought it only appropriate to get with the "stokage" by providing you with some intense off road footage.

I haven't seen this much needless dismounting since the last time I watched the B Race in the Bubba series have to dismount over a railroad tie.

In other news, please note that our own Titward made it on Drunk Cyclist! Check it out here:


I must also say that I thoroughly approve of DC's sign-off: "Ride Bikes. Drink Beer. Go Fuck Yourself." It is worth pointing out that our motto of "Get Totally Fucked" is essentially saying the same thing.

Here is an idea - who is in for a ride this coming Sunday? At this point, the weather is looking crunk as shit, though it is a pretty good assumption that, on account of the freeze-thaw, the trails will be sloppier than a cub scout's butthole after a week at Camp Criss Angel. They'll be sloppier than a juggalo's vagina on day 3 of The Gathering. So have some skinny-ish tires ready for some not-singletrack miles. Who's down?

-Casey F. Ryback


After Action Report for a Rocky 4 Style Jerkduro Series Training

Greetings, Fellow minivan afficionados. Here at Team Seagal HQ, we are all extremely pumped about the upcoming Jerkduro Series. We are more pumped than a tire on a Surly Moonlander pumped to 25 psi - you know, for road use. And this isn't just because the door prize may or may not be a "ZJ" from Tom Marsh. (Those are easy to get anyway.)

No, it is exciting because there is a chance to have some non-climbing skill playing a large part in bicycle "race" held in Missouri. And believe me when I say that as a dude who recently had to meet his physician at a nearby interstate weigh station in order to get my current weight recorded, I can appreciate gravity being on my side for once.

So how does a child of the '80's go about training for some hardened, winter riding competition? By going out plodding through Siberian-like St. Louis snow, much like he was taught after watching Rocky IV dozens of times:

Having teamed up with a Wisconsin-trained ally of the Team, we pulled a John Candy and headed East, towards the River. And despite not having a cool snow bike on one of the few days where it might make sense this far south, we still were able to slog through the gusting winds, knee-deep snow, and make it to the river, coming to rest just above Sister Marie You're-Alright-Charles Park, and gazing out:
There is a river there, trust me.

Said the lady smoking a cigarette in knee-high boots and a skirt under the bridge, "You guys are absolutely fucking crazy." To which I thought to myself, "at least I'm not the one whose about to get double-teamed under a bridge by two frozen cyclists."

Onward, we came across moar than one vehicle stuck in the snow, which we helped dislodge, only to see them get stuck once again 1/2 block down. Poor bastards. We were headed back in a westerly direction at this point, which had the wind directly at our faces. The poor mountain bike, with piddly little 2.2" wide tires which certainly weren't fat enough to be cool, kept me rolling further. I could feel Siberian strength coursing through my muscle fibers. I may put the "ale" into "clydesdale," but this clydesdale crushed tons of snow beneath my un-hip standard-width mountain bike tires. Fortunately, having dressed properly for the ride, neither of us had to resort to cutting open and then climbing inside our mountain bikes as if they were ton-tons in order to stay warm.

We arrived back at Crotch's Base Camp, where I had to melt my beard:

Great thing about an ice-beard is that wind doesn't penetrate it.

All the time spent out on the frozen Siberian Plains of South StL had me thinking about tires, and which ones work the best. I had come across an interesting article wherein the German cycle magazine, Tour, tested a number of tires as objectively tests. See the test here. However, I thought I could summarize it all for you, because we are a team that is about education, if nothing else.

One not-very-surprising result that I noticed, was that the Crank Brothers tire with the cool anodization just fell apart and had to be warrantied after two test-runs - frustrating, given it's high pricetag.

The Campagnolo tire, regarded as the most beautiful and aesthetically-pleasing tire, seemed to develop a better, more-supple, worn-in feel as the test went on - and it was also the only tire to have a user-replaceable bead and tread.

The Thomson Masterpiece tire showed absolutely no wear whatsoever, with the test-rider Friedrich noting that he expected that tire to outlast several wheels, brake pads and frames.

The newcomer to the market, the Rivendell tire, a gumwall, was the only tire to actually utilize full steel-belting, despite weighing 13 pounds per tire. But as Grant Peterson said, "Steel is the only real material," and that only those racers on carbon race bikes need tires with cotton or nylon casings. The Rivendell tire was also the only tire to make it all the way to the "AR-15 rifle" stage of the puncture-resistance test, however the results are somewhat skewed as it is only available in a 650b size and therefore doesn't compare equally to the 700c size of the rest of the test tires. Mr. Peterson, in response to complaints about the extra weight of the steel belting, said he is considering producing a tire with a wool or even a tweed casing. It must also be noted that the Rivendell tires were the only ones that specifically stated that they are incompatible with carbon rims.

Cervelo's tire was unable to be tested, as it was delivered with severe cracking due to premature dry-rot, thus rendering it unsafe to ride.We are currently waiting for a replacement to be shipped from the Canadian warehouse.

The tire from Cannondale showcased a revolutionary and proprietary design that utilized a series of integrated needle bearings all around the tread, and actually surpassed all other tires in rolling resistance, however it only worked on Cannondale-branded rims, and the process to change the tire proved to be needlessly complex, requiring a proprietary tools and a Cannondale dealer to do the work.

Trek re-entered the tire market under their own name once again, and, despite having the largest R&D budget than the rest of the manufacturers combined, was unanimously considered to be the most boring of all the tires tested. Said one tester, "It would be a pretty great tire, if I've never ridden any other tires. However, in order to keep up my image as an in-the-know, cutting edge bike guy, I am required to ride something that is more boutique, like the Lynskey tire."

Pinarello showed up to the test with a tire that has been in the works for a long time, and has developed a huge pedigree list of race results, having been ridden under some top racers. It had a very unique and instantly-recognizable cross-section as well. It performed admirably, however later in the day one of our test riders had been searching the internet and found an identical Asian knock-off tire for sale at 1/10th the price, making it hard to justify recommending the Pinarello tire. 

Quintana Roo's tire seemed to provide better performance in wet conditions, specifically if those wet conditions were as a result of puddles of urine - so for the QR test, they set the test track up in the men's urine-trough at the nearby ballpark.

Neither the THM or Cipollini tires were able to be tested. The magazine couldn't afford to get a hold of the THM tires for the test, and testers all agreed that they weren't cool enough to even get close to the Cipollini tires.

The highly anticipated Sram tire was unfortunately recalled 45 seconds into our test run. Fortunately, tester Friedrich survived long enough to bring the bike to a complete stop - surprising, considering that the bike was equipped with the recalled Red 22 Hydro discs that we had been too lazy to send back to Sram.

In the end, the Shimano tire was chosen as the best performing, most reliable, most straightforward tire out there, some people using the phrase "the gold standard."

We here at Team Seagal HQ hope that this has been educational for you, and that you can go forward and make educated purchasing decisions next time you buy a tire.

Looks like this snow will be around for a while, so you still have time to do some Rocky IV style training for the Jerkduro.

-Casey F. Ryback


2014 Winter Jerkduro Series

Have you been a proper jerk this holiday season? Eating and drinking everything in sight?

Well it's time to put that "training" to use, and with the help of gravity, see what you can do with those extra pounds. It's also a chance to work a few more "brah"s and gnar"s and "stoke"s  and "brown pow"s into conversation. And don't forgot your goggles, go pro mounts, body armor, and your POC helmet (or full face if you're really ready to SHRED). It's time for a little enduro action, Team Seagal style.

It's time for
Team Seagal's Winter Jerkduro Non-race Series.

Sundays January 26 thru March 3 weather permitting *SEE BELOW*

Bluff View Trail, Glencoe, MO

Jerkduro Non-Racing
1. Riders will sign in at the parking lot near the Al Foster trailhead and the little railroad
2. Everyone will head to the trail start off the Al Foster (at the signpost)
3. Riders will head up one at a time in 30sec staggered starts for the uphill timed segment. Riders leave in order of sign in
4. Riders will finish at the top of the singletrack where it meets the old road (the other signpost)
5. After all riders have reached the top we will regroup for the the timed descent
6. Riders will leave one at a time in 30 sec staggered starts for the timed downhill run
7. Finish is crossing the mini railroad tracks on the Al Foster

Total time= (Uphill segment) + 2x(DH segment)

We are doubling the downhill run to make it more enduro-ee. Plus we don't want the best times to be the guy or gal that can climb the fastest. We're jerks and are timing the uphill, but we're not that big of jerks.

*Weather/Scheduling notes*
 On the friday before each weekend there will be a post on whether the non-race is happening that weekend and what time the first rider will start. Due to typical freeze/thaw cycles, most Sundays the start times will be earlier (think 8:00-9:00). Some days it might be too warm and too wet, so then it will be cancelled. Maybe we'll get an unusual warm and dry spell of weather and we'll have a later start sometime. Ultimately, we hope to at least get a few of these in during those 6 Sundays.

As with all non-races entry is FREE. Please spread the word, but not too far. We're just a bunch of jerks looking to have some fun in the woods. No headaches please.