Even Though Blogs Are "So 2006," Here is your Death By Hills Bizness

Holy Wrinkled-Balls-On-Chin. You probably thought this team, or at least this blog, was deader than Criss Angel's weiner upon becoming the guy who finally got hired by the Bikini Team in Dumb and Dumber after Harry and Lloyd took a pass:

Well,  like a Monty Python peasant, it's not dead, yet. Until that glorious, much-anticipated day happens, when this blog and/or team passes onto the afterlife, this thing is still alive, or at least on life support. That being said, I fully expect, that upon entering the afterlife, to greet Energor, and be gifted a euphoria, the likes of which no earthy jenk can give me.

While still in *this* life, or whatever we prefer to call it, what kind of things do we have to look forward to?
- The next hit of dat jenk
- The next Schwarzenegger movie
- the next cold PBR
- the next juggalo joke
- the next visit from C-Dubs
- the next installment of Death By Hills

WHEN: Sunday, Feb 22nd (and if the weather/conditions are too shitty or too cold, then it will get pushed back 1 week, to Sunday, March 1st. What kind of weather is that? Cold as a witch's tit, or raining, or super-snow-choked.) Stay tuned for announcement if we push it back a weekend.

WHERE  Across the street from the Wolf Public House - in the big lot next to the gas station. Don't expect to get any food from the Wolf afterwards - they close at like 2pm. (Unless you skip all the fun and get back super early, like a dick.)

TIME: 9AM - That means clicking in and rolling at 9AM, not "Heeyyyyyy guys, I'm soooooo sorry I'm late, I had to stop for a quick ass-hair bleaching, can you wait just a minute while I slather some vaseline on my sack and kit up? OMG Does anyone have a buff I can borrow?"

PACE: Whatever you wanna do, Bro-me Chomsky. Fast, slow, tempo - just find a group that matches your pace. Whatever pace you go, make sure to not be a shit-head. In life.

ROUTEGarmin link

-Start at Lone Wolf Coffee
-Head west on Clayton,
-Left on Thunderhead Canyon Dr.
-Left on Westglen Farms Dr.
-Right on "Village Plaza View Dr," toward the stripmall
-enter bike path opposite the parking lot
-left across black pedestrian bridge, crossing Hwy 100
-left after bridge
-hard right off of curb onto Old Manchester (across from the Jack in the Box)
-left onto Woods Rd. Descend and turn left up Bartizan, come back down, and continue down Woods.
-left onto bike path and ride south along Hwy 109.
-left up Old State for about .1 mile
-left onto Redtail Hawk Dr
-Then turn/veer left onto Johns Cabin Rd, which is a clockwise loop (Mitch's secret training loop) and will bring you back to Old State. (BUT not before making a quick left up and back down Starwood Rd!)
-Cross 109 at Old State, turn right up Alt Rd.
-Left on Forby.
-Right on N. Central Ave
-Cross over Hwy 44, turn right onto West Main St (in between train tracks.)
-left onto Wengler and start Allenton Loop, going CCW.
-Exit Allenton Loop to the left, go underneath Hwy 44, and climb Allenton Rd. *GAS STATION*
- right onto Scenic Loop Rd, going the RIGHT way. Let's avoid confusion, and park rangers. This is different than what the Garmin link shows.
-right back onto Allenton Rd.
-left onto Melrose
-right onto Hwy 100
-right onto Woodland Meadows Dr.
-right onto Old Manchester
-right onto Glencoe (through Rockwoods.)
-Go straight up Melrose
-Turn right (again) onto Hwy 100, cross over and turn left and continue on Melrose all the way until it descends to Hwy T.
-Left on T
-Left on Bassett
-Left onto Cremin's Green, out-and-back. Continue up Bassett.
-Left onto Old Manchester
-left onto Bouquet.
-Left onto Ossenfort (at the big white farm house)
-Cross T, and continue on Ossenfort.
-Continue straight onto Wild Horse Creek
-turn left up Babler Forest as an out-and-back.
-Come back down, and turn right onto Wild Horse Creek, climbing to Rieger.
-Turn left onto Rieger
-Right on Pond.
-left on Smith School Rd.
-Left on BA.
-left into Babler State Park. Once in Babler, turn right onto John Cochran Dr (CCW loop), turn right up Theodore Wirth Drive, and left down Guy Park Dr (past the pool). Turn right back up John Cochran Dr, climb up the first hill, and turn left at the bottom of the other side (also John Cochran Dr (be careful on the gravel!) and duck under gate to exit Babler State Park.
-Immediately turn right up Wild Horse Creek Drive (Doberman.) *GAS STATION*
-Turn right onto Old Eatherton.
-Left onto Orville.
-Right up Shephard.
-Left onto bike path alongisde 109
-Left onto Clayton
-Left on Strecker
-Right on Kehr's Mill
-(option to turn left into Saddle Creek Neighborhood and reconnect up to Kehr's Mill at top of hill)
-or take Kehr's Mill straight back to The Wolf Public House.

*Please take note of where to exit Babler State Park - it is not well marked, and easy to miss. It is at the bottom of the second climb, when you will pass by it at first, and then loop back around to it. It is not very well paved, and you will have to go underneath a metal gate.

NOTE: There are only two gas stations/refuel points on the route, and they are around 50 miles apart - so plan accordingly! The first is the MotoMart next to Six Flags (~28 miles in) and the other is at the top of Wild Horse Creek, where it intersects with Hwy 109/Eatherton (~80 miles.) Plan your water/food consumption properly!!!

If you have never taken on this ride, here are some general things to help you prepare for this sufferfest:
-Start riding every day with Peat Henry
-develop Jerk Feri-jerk-i-nella's superior attitude
-Eat moar J.O.B.S. at Shakespeare's Pizza (see glossary)
-Be moar like Fabian Cancellara:

-Listen to moar Witchery, specifically this album:

The Death By Hills full route is pretty long - long enough to have our own Titty say this about 15-20 times:

Some of the hills are so huge, that in order to descend back down them, you might need the latest in road-bike disc brake technology:
steel is fucking real, brah

Now on an unrelated note, we all know that life is now much better for those of us who have fled from St. Louis to towns such as Seattle, Prescott (soon to be Ashville), Santa Cruz, Boudler/Denver/Golden, the tip of the Florida dong, Portland etc... but all I have to say is don't you miss crap like:

...icicles on your BB?

... or chipping ice from your ice-encrusted brake calipers?

... or ice floes down your rivers?

Just so you don't fucking forget where you came from! And unless you are doing something so super-cool like an out-of-state fatbike race, in which case you are WAY too cool for me, I expect you to be there.

-Casey F. Ryback
("F" as in what-the-Fuck)


cockpunchOr said...

I am in Vegas!! Upon arrival and check in at the gloriously not-elegant Rio All Suites Hotel and Casino, I quickly ascended to my room/suite and attained the summit of Mt. Kohler to begin work on a prolific batch of Southern Nevada Jenkem. Not easy, as the supremely dry, arid atmosphere inhibits proper fermentaion. A lovely ....hey....wait a minute....this isn't the poo blog any more. WTF??

Anyhoooo.....I did a DBH recon yesterday and am happy to report that Cremins Green still tops out at 30%, just at it makes the bend to the left. Y'all git fucked now, ya hear?!?!

New East Coast Syndicate said...

Shit, now I have to write something on that pathetic excuse of a blog i try and maintain

T. Scott said...

C-Dubs or Doctor,

You got dat next hit of jenk for me?!