20150222

DBH Final Reschedule. This Is The Final Date. We're Super Serious.

Greetings, patient Team Seagal Comraderinos! Due to circumstances beyond our control, our multiple attempts to plan this ride have been thwarted. It has been akin to the movie Commando, where John Matrix's daughter has been snatched from him, and he has to go through a long, arduous journey involving dropping guys off cliffs:
...ripping out car seats, breaking the neck of a man in an airplane, swinging like Tarzan through a crowded mall, ripping out phone booths, and then spearing the shit out of Bennett:


Only instead of a daughter getting taken from us, it was a scheduling date - and instead of killing lots of people in glorious fashion, we had to search and search for a proper date.

And now we have a set-in-fucking concrete date. Mar 15th, a Sunday. Moses himself went up into the clouds and had a new set of Ten Commandment tablets made that were the same in every way, except that this time there is a note at the bottom, stating that DBH will happen on that date. Then he came back down, and said us, "Ya'll a buncha bitches - be there or be square. Don't like it? Then go get mini-vanned." This goes for Scummy Skeezy too.

Of course, we would have preferred to not keep skipping days like this, but we have to make the best of a less-than-optimal situation - kinda like when you have to remind that new lot-lizard girl you met in that truckstop parking lot that at least her face can't get pregnant. It doesn't matter though, because with the weather being warmer in mid-March, we will have more fun than Criss Angel re-watching replays of the Olympic Two Man Luge competitions, in the Under-16 Category.


Some of you may be "over" the DBH ride, since it keeps getting moved around. For this reason, TS HQ declared a new promotion we'll be running on the day of - in order to drum up numbers and help meet our quota (set by the higher ups in management) we will give you a free race entry if you provide us with the scalped Euro-mullett from a wannabe-pro amateur roadie's head, or the scalped head of the now-disgraced former Penrose Track Director, Kacey. That jerk has been doing nothing but driving potential trackies away from Penrose, and into the arms of another mistress - recumbent touring. A little known secret is that he has been a closet 'bent rider for years - but as of late, his constant rants to people about how much faster recumbents are than upright bikes seems to be taking hold. In fact, some sources surmise that the recent surge in sales of Keen SPD sandals, tall orange safety flags, 16x1" tires, large wind fairings and pocket-on-the-front jerseys can be mostly attributed to his efforts of steering people away from the velodrome, and onto Creve Coeur Lake path in a more reclined position.  This is real damage to the future of Penrose that will take years to undo.

With the new date being a couple weeks away yet, you have time to develop a proper two-man-luge mustache, as modeled here on Hörst vön Wëinërhölën, the top luge-man from the town of Hügënbönërstëin, Germany that defected to the good ole' US of A:

"Ja, I'm alvays on top!"
That photo has been cropped to protect the minds of any young children browsing our site.

So prepare your taints.

-Casey F. Ryback

3 comments:

New East Coast Syndicate said...

Bitches, quite your whining, HTFU and get out there and ride. Moses didn't ascend back to heaven for nothing. Of course your other option is to put on your skates and Nancy Kerrigan your way around the frozen roads.

Anonymous said...

So by Nancy Kerriganing our way around the frozen roads, you do mean "get hit with a lead pipe?"

-CFR

New East Coast Syndicate said...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjUQMs0kVEI