Wanted: Beer Spons0r

SWBT (Single White Bike Team) ISO (In Search Of) a LTR with a willing BBM (Badass Beer Manufacturer) to support regional band of misfit cyclists, all in possession of BBC, in their quest to achieve enlightenment* on and off the bike. We are recently coming off of another LTR that, while prosperous and enjoyable, was unfortunately not meant to last.

Traits for successful product representatives/candidates should ideally include things along these lines:

  • ability to handle random, stinky intestinal gasses for an undetermined period of time (like, really stinky)
  • salty mouth
  • immunity to being offended by jokes with topics including, but not limited to: poo, pee, fermentation of poo and pee, getting high off of the gasses resulting from the fermented poo and pee, cartoonishly large boners, gratuitous homo-eroticism, ugly people, semen from yaks, using beards as a drug for performance-enhancing purposes, worship of impressively-large toilets, vaginas filled with sand, pooping in the woods, stories of heinously disgusting saddle sores and blisters
  • willingness to have your product being drank by toothless Ozark hillbillies who don't know the difference between beer and mouthwash (because they don't know what mouthwash is)
  • possession of minimal camping gear
  • will have seen their fair share of nips being blastified
  • being ready to defend our honor at the mention of being called dirty hipsters or triathletes
  • willingness to be called a jerk, as a term of endearment
  • able to translate ancient Chinese scrolls into English
  • patience with laziness and/or lack of organizational skills on our part
  • possession of huge quantities of delicious beers, preferably in cans
  • general/cursory knowledge or appreciation of the great action heroes and their combined body of work (i.e. Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Bronson, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Carl Weathers, Dolph Lungren, Bruce Willis, etc...)
  • willingness to humor us when we make extremely esoteric, dorky jokes about technical bicycle shit 
  • willingness to assist us when being extremely judgemental and making fun of other people and their un-cool, non-trendy bike setups.
  • having been around bikes in some way, shape, or form in the past
  • generosity when it comes to giving out lots of cool product-related schwag

Potential "deal-breaker" traits may include, but are not limited to:
  • possession of any music by Nickelback or Insane Clown Posse
  • having at any point in your life been called a "juggalo/juggalette" or having professed loyalty to "the Fam"
  • having ever attended "The Gathering" or a Nickelback concert
  • concern for your aerodynamics while riding a bicycle
  • having at any point in your life paid for a Michelob Ultra or Bud Select 55
  • being super gross, teh G4yz0rz, or just really goddamned annoying to be around

 Candidates that think they and their company may be a good fit should first GTF, and then stop by the nearest watering hole to buy us a drink.

*Enlightenment, in this context, may be defined as Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind