Energy Drinks - of DOOM

With all this horrifically shitty weather, we've needed to find other ways amuse ourselves since we're not riding quite as much as we'd like. There are plenty of ways that a bunch of single dudes can amuse themselves, though I'm only going to tell you about one way in particular. The ordering and purchasing of strange new energy drinks.


Myself, Marshall Lawson, and The Good Doctor were intrigued by what was said on www.energyfiend.com regarding the caffeine content in this stuff called "Fixx." They reported that a 20oz bottle had 500mg of caffeine. That's basically enough to make the abominable snowman jittery. It comes with one of those full-bottle wrappers, which doesn't let you see the product - turns out that this should have been the first sign. The last sign was the scent (odor) that escaped like the demons out of the Arc of the Covenant. It was quite odoriferous.

I can not recall anything in recent memory that was so thoroughly bad, right off the bat. The aftertaste lingered around much like the last poo-nugget that doesn't quite get flushed the first time when you're visiting friends and using their guest bathroom. All you want is for the tank to fill up quickly so you can get rid of this thing as soon as possible. Some have described the taste as being similar to what the girls of 2girls1cup.com were tasting. But with vitamins.

Needless to say, only 2 of the 3 of us were able to actually finish a full bottle. Marshall pounded his down in less than 20 minutes. Dr. Wesley McLaren had his finished by the end of the day, however Casey Ryback decided to choose life over death and gave up halfway through the bottle.

The Monster BFC

Every so often, humans engineering surpasses that which was previously though possible. Things such as the Knock Nevis tanker:

Or the world's largest earth digger:

Now, we have the Monster BFC:

Yes, that is 32oz, a full QUART, of Monster. It comes in two flavors: original, and "heavy metal." The original has over 100g of sugar, and something like 320mg of caffeine. The "heavy metal" flavor, (which isn't advertised on their website, with good reason) has just slightly less sugar, and presumably as much caffeine. But much more anger infused into it. If you look at a piddly can of Red Bull and say to yourself "I use more fluid than that just to wash down an aspirin," then you need to step up to the BFC. However, take it from me, Casey Ryback, that if you are going to do so, then DO NOT get the heavy metal flavor. It will destroy your soul. Rumor has it that Exxon uses cans of a similar size with which to ship their precious oil over from the middle east. A man named Bobby Leach used one of these BFC cans in which to go over Niagara Falls. He later died from injuries sustained from slipping on an orange peel in the street.

The moral of the story: don't believe internet hype about energy drinks, and don't step on an orange peel if it is in the street.


drew said...

this has perked my interest.

Casey Ryback said...


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