Greetings loyal Team Seagal Fan! We hope you had a satiating and lucrative Christmas filled with family and food, not filled with broken glass windows, snapped wrists, and explosions. Much like "The Bob's" speaking to Lumberg about Peter in the movie "Office Space," we here at Team Seagal HQ don't think we've challenged you enough. Because of this, we have two pieces of homework for you - a multiple choice question, and a reading assignment.
1) From which Seagal movie did this short monologue come: (And for bonus points, include which former drill-instructor delivered the line?)
"My guy in DC tells me we are not dealing with a student here. We're dealing with a professor. Any time the military has an operation that can't fail they call this guy in to train the troops, okay? He's the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he could piss in your campfire. You could drop this guy off at the Arctic Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear without his toothbrush and tomorrow afternoon he's gonna show up at your poolside with a million dollar smile and a fistful of pesos. This guy's a professional, you got me?"
A. Under Siege
B. On Deadly Ground
C. Fire Down Below
D. Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
2) Reading assignment - READ THIS BOOK:
Seagalogy By "Vern"
As of this writing this, I'm on chapter 6, and it might the best book I've ever read. Says New York Magazine: "We can't believe this actually exists, but the world is certainly a better place for it!" I think that this should be the Official Team Seagal Handbook. Systematic and ironically hilarious overview of each of Seagal's movies, plus a liberal use of both footnotes and the word "fuck" make for a must-read. This book gets a 10-out-of-10 Snapped Wrists rating. In fact, I plan on attempting to get this "Vern" guy to join our team on an honorary basis. Interesting note: Amazon has the new versions cheaper than the used ones. Buy this book, or be forever floating in a vast sea of direction-less confusion