"'Twas the Night Before CXmas" - A Poem by C.F. Ryback

Twas the night before CXmas, and all through my head
were visions of times past, snapped wrists and potheads.
The gifts were wrapped in Mason's Element with care:
In hopes that tomorrow's racer's would find them easy to ensnare.

I was nestled all snug in my bed,
when that @%$#ing 6AM alarm made me wish I were dead.
With the temperature as low as a lizard's ballsack:
I packed my shit up and headed for near the 3 smokestacks.

When out on the trail there arose such a clatter,
For I found Mason and Gino, and I said "What's the matter?"
One said "It's so cold that I have a frozen eyelash!"
So I carried on with them, my teeth soon to gnash.

The creativity on our team is truly something to behold,
for I can always be amazed, even when ice cold.
When what in front of my eyes did I find,
but the CXmas spokecard, which promptly blew my f***ing mind:

With a trunk full of gifts that looked very epic:I knew that the racers would carry them right-quick.
We also had a plan more devilishly messed
a full case of egg-nog for them to ingest:

With Nico in his moo-moo and Pierce in his suit,
Our point to lift their spirits was certainly not moot.
All Gino's planning came down to this,
a short racer's meeting and then to the trail they'd be dismissed!

Now Trail Monster! now, Ryan! now, Doctor and Mitch!
On Nick! and Dust! on Stephanie and Rich!
Through the fire roads of Klondike, and now onto the Katy!
You'll warm up quickly as you ride up Terry!

The Terry Road hill warmed them up but hurt just the same,
Though Duke wasn't much solace - it was equally lame.
Descending Matson they were certainly not snails,
but then it was a left, back onto the Katy Trail.

At the base of the Hamburg we did give them a challenge,
drink this egg-nog from which Aldi's we scavenged.
The slower riders though, I'm sure were displeased,
but the longer we stayed there, our egg-nog did freeze!

After stuffing their bellies chock full of nog,
up Hamburg and through Lost Valley they did have to slog.
Some barriers and big hills they did find,
before crossing 94 and facing more of our design.

We gave them a present and down the Katy they flew,
wrapped gift in their arms, they thought us cuckoo.
With the wind in their face, they made a B-line,
Armed with superior attitude and superior state of mind.

They left the gifts at the barriers we made,
so professional they looked, you probably thought they weren't homemade!
Only a mile or two left in their ride,
no one thought it to be some weak-sauce joyride.

It didn't take long after the barriers to complete,
the ride which they started seemingly earlier in the week!
Fortunately for them what waited at the end,
was comfortably hot and surrounded by friends!

Our cold weather battle wasn't over just yet,
some beers sprouted a frozen-mega head!

It didn't really matter, as we found a new game,
Huffy Toss - hopefully no one would get maimed!

The Innaugural CXmas Champion (Nick), whose name's now immortalized,
will hopefully return next year - that's what we advise.
The rest of the night was spent hanging with our buds,
Launching Huffy parts, much like Iraqi SCUDS:

All in all 27 people came to ride, (results LINK)
Though not all finished, they helped spread the yuletide!
Even more badasses came to help, and for that we are grateful,
may your digits thaw quickly - the feeling is mutual!

And a huge thanks to our sponsors we must certainly shout,
Kona, Pabst, The Hub, Elete - you really helped us out!

And to all you other riders out there who were scared of the pain,
Just don't forget...we make it rain!

-C.F. Ryback

*There will be more reports and photos to come, but for now, see my photos here - link*


Marc said...

Well done kids! Looks like you put a lot of effort into into it and a good time was had by all.

Sandbox/Gino said...

Awesome work Casey! This post is the crowning achievement on top the mind-blowingness that was CXMAS.

Doctor said...

Gino is an f'ing genius! I bet Terry Rd. is covered in frozen brain matter from all the blown minds. This definitely had the highest production value of any non race yet thanks to the Hub and PBR and everyone who came out and froze their nuts off. Holy shit!

Nice poem Coach. the softer side of CFR.

Mason Storm said...

I can't thank everyone that helped make this race happen enough, but the real effort goes out to all the non-racers that decided that when it is only 5 degrees outside they are going to put up with us for 35 hard miles! Thanks to all that came out yesterday, and remember crossocalypse is Jan 4th!

Davey B said...

i only have nice things to say about my evening spent slamming pbr's around the fire.

Chris Wurster said...

I have never felt so in the holiday spirit until I read your poem - CFR you are a master! By the way where did Pierce carry the double bladed axe and when did Seagal take up Cross racing?

Chris Wurster said...

Noticed the PBRs next to the egg nog, how does the combo taste?

TeamSeagal said...

I believe that maybe Mr. Seagal started cross racing to drop a hundred pounds or two. oh and eggnog is my new energy gel.

Dan Schmatz said...

There are only a few reasons I wish I lived in STL and you guys are one of them.