Death By Hills Ride - ride report

Ho-ly Shit. I would like to compare this ride to the photo shown above. Arnold Schwarzenegger in this photo represents all the dudes who came on this ride - a.k.a. super badass, and now-unstoppable muscles strength. The two little old ladies represent all who did not come - a.k.a. super jealous (and probably horny?)

In between mistaking young boys on bikes for hot chicks, we managed to ride up a few hills. Each hill being a monster in-and-of itself, however when ridden back to back all within the same ride in the middle of February, it equates to very serious business. It was a good thing the lower limit screws on everyone's derailleurs were all adjusted properly... (well, maybe not Mason's.)

The stats:
~83.5 miles
~7500 feet of climbing (according to Nico's Garmin)
-6 hours ride time
-26 notable hills, (most of them being the ones that are typically avoided on group rides)
-20 riders starting out (maybe more? I didn't get an accurate headcount.)
-9 riders finishing
-2 singlespeeds
-1 mountain bike (Keeven, you masochistic SOB)
-0 complaints or whining
-100% success

There were several firsts on this ride. Many people had not done several of these hills, and I had never done the Pro-As-Fuck side-of-the-road-pee-while-straddling-top-tube maneuver. Doctor had never even seen any of these hills, yet snapped each one of them handily, including mighty Cremins Green, which is so steep, that you seriously risk tipping backwards (some of our front wheels were lifting off the ground.)

An interesting thing to mention that I found to be absolutely hilarious was the reaction from various other riders when certain hills came into view. Specifically Babler Forest, Bartizan, Cremins Green, Woodland Meadows, Orville (this one resulted in some rather "negative" comments from Nico, directed specifically towards me...) Amusing during the ride as they were, after the post-ride meal, it briefly looked as though I was at risk of being tied to a tree and having each rider taking turns kicking me directly in the nads.

Fortunately for me, Lone Wolf Coffee had enough food for us to shove through our glycogen windows, and this might have soothed everyone's hatred towards me.

There are 3 things in life that you can count on - death, taxes, and this ride happening again, hopefully when warmer. Very nice work to everyone who showed, especially in the later parts of the ride when were all destroyed with fatigue - everyone who attempted a hill completed that hill. It was a shit ton of fun to have all of these other riders show up to something like this, having had such short notice in the middle of the winter/off-season. Just goes to show you that if you plan it, they will show. Just gotta have something that is interesting! See you at the next one?

-Casey F. Ryback

P.S. Watch this video, brought to our attention by our own Puncher of Cocks.


Living a Lie said...

That was Badass!! Cant wait to do it again.

Mitch the Masher said...

I fully expected to snap my chain several times today. That rocked! My fasting is now going to begin. Keeven is a chrome plated stud! Unreal. Thanks for the ride.

Nico Toscani said...

I am sorry I directed negative comments at you earlier Coach, you fucking bastard.

Justin said...

What a great ride, I can't wait to go back in a couple months.

Jeff B said...

Was that you guys who rolled into the Wolf around 4:30 today? I was the lone runner guy and was amazed that you survived the ride with such gusto. Well done.

It made my 6m run look like dog shit. Granted I saw the older dude with ZZtop beard riding towards CWood near Lowes. . .

Scott said...

Muther fuck. im tellin you.... that dude was a chick! Great ride!!!

Mason Storm said...

Man am I glad I rode home when I did. I too ended up with 83mi for the day, and I can't wait to attempt that ride again! Great job to all that climbed ALL those hills....What a day!

Christian Stitz said...

That was amazing. Nice route Coach. I seriously didn't think I'd be able to make it, but riding with that group pushed me through. Thanks guys.

DA9DR's Amazing Blog said...

That ride was amazing. I had nightmares about one lane bridges with monster hills after each one, followed by sweet dreams of kicking Chief Ryback repeatedly in the nuts. I also had a dream about getting lost out in the county and having to eat one of Mitch the Masher's calves to survive. Holy shit.

Casey Ryback said...

All last night my legs were telepathically sending me their dreams, and it was full of death and destruction. In those dreams, all I could see was a barren wasteland of muscle fibers floating in HEED and lactic acid.

Sandbox/Gino said...

Coach I curse you every time I've stood up since the ride, but I'll be there when we do it again. Hopefully with a normal back.
So does your placement of that link in your post indicate that you use nads on your nads?

Peat said...

Awesome ride guys. Thanks for putting it on. I think I'll bring my geared bike out next time though. I'm still trying to un-twist my spinal cord from a couple of those super steep climbs.

keeven said...

everyone that showed their face on sunday morning is a f-cking bad ass. incredible determination by all. thank you to COACH and STORM for making it happen. if you are looking for a reality check this is the ride folks. it is great to hear and see that everyone's training is going great. from nico saying he's running. doc telling me he has 1500 miles in already. masher (holy shit, have you seen this guys legs, talk about chrome plated) noting that this time last year he had just picked up the bike. not this year, as he repeatedly killed every hill. storm rolling in with 16 miles down before we even start the ride and totally jazzed about the upcoming year. drewby, 175+ miles in for the week so far, are you shitin' me. pete showing that one is all you need. scotty p., that was a young boy you sick @!#$. stitz you're the silent killer for sure. everyone better watch him. it'll be pretty easy cause he'll be in front of your ass. next week anyone? maybe a south county death march.
special thanks to pfoodman and THE WOLF for an awesome atmosphere and killer food. if you haven't been, get on it.
thanks all for the motivation

DA9DR's Amazing Blog said...

Sign me up for this south county death march. I need at least one death march per week.

Casey Ryback said...

Just promise me that if we do a south county death march, we go up the "Fabicksberg," a'ight? We need to officially name the hills in the "Fuck" classification, btw.

Craig said...

Yep, that was killa.

My wrist (actually right knee) snapped at the 45 mile/4600 vertical feet) mark and I was left to limp home via the shoulder on hwy 100 at about 8 mph and searing pain with each crank revolution. Yet, I was bummed knowing I had failed.

As primarily a SS'er, I can't even imagine that ride on one gear. You two are nuts.

My vote for hardest climb goes to the Greensfelder Scenic loop in reverse. I bailed on Cremins, though. Yowza.

Great ride, but let's try to cut out those long stops next time. Too hard to get the old bones moving again after a long break.

CFR, you are the master of disaster. Looking forward to the sequel. I'll be hydrated next time, so no cramps.

Mitch the Masher said...

For anyone who wants to see just where the carnage occurred.


My body is pissed off at me right now!

Anonymous said...

Where did this "hot chick" sighting take place?

Casey Ryback said...

After finishing the Greensfelder Scenic Loop, we were paused to regroup on the side of Allenton Rd. A group of 3 or 4 riders were climbing Allenton Rd, and after they passed us, there was some discussion about a possible hot chick in the group. That discussion found us discussing the possibility of this hot chick actually being a boy, as they can sometimes, at a glance, with enough clothing on, be mistaken for each other. Some of us (not to name names ***cough cough Scott cough**) decided that they'd be happy either way.

Later in the ride, upon seeing this group pass again, it was determined that it was, in fact, a dude.

Many lulz ensued.

Casey Ryback said...

Holy Shit Mitch - did we actually break the 10,000 ft mark?!

Heine said...

pshah. snacks.

Mitch the Masher said...

8669ft with the additional miles to and from LWC. My guess would be close to Nico's, around 7800ft. Mine might have been a little higher due to the repeated wheelies I managed to pull while climbing some of those 24% grades!

Garmin's software "corrects" when you upload to Motion Based by up to 25% sometimes. The ride Dwayne and I did last summer showed 17,000ft but was actually around 13,000ft.

Pretty sure the 53mph max speed is accurate!

Scott said...

I dont like boys... I just like nice asses. Gotta give credit where credit is due. Again, great ride.

Mitch the Masher said...

I think we should make the pilgrimage to the south and hook up with Dwayne. He has a 102 miler that he does while blind-folded. "Different" hills down there, longer but typically not as steep. Could probably be done in less time than the Death March I.

I'm with Craig on the stopping. We should just leave those who fall behind for the buzzards.

Mitch the Masher said...

Did some math.

Death March I - 94 ft gained per mile.

5 Counties ride w/Dwayne - 77 ft gained per mile.

Climb to top of Haleakala,HI and back down - 151 ft gained per mile.


I know, I know. I have waaay too much time!

DosRider said...

Great ride. We had discussed not long ago a ride that took in all the monster climbs in the area and the Seagal boys put it together. Thanks

Sorry I missed the last hour. It was getting late and home was calling. Still got in 75 miles and 6000' of climbing.

Looking forward to a repeat or a Dwayno led death ride in Jeffco with Mitch the Masher and gang.

Chris Wurster said...

Wow, only February and you are crushing rides like this......I am not worthy, I am not worthy

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