Dirt Crit #3 Recap - Holy Geez


Now down to business. Greetings Loyal Team Seagal Fan! Another Thursday has come and gone, and that means another expedition deep into the Pain Cave. Just when you think that you've explored every nook and cranny of that cave, another race comes along that leads you into a whole new chamber of pain. Yeah - a Chamber of Pain, or C.O.P. This was one of those races. This was also one of those races that saw a lot of badass first-timers mixing it up and snapping some wrists on a freshly laid-out course, courtesy of Schuck.

Between the creek crossing, the super high intensity of the racing, and the extra-slick surface of the grass from the light rain we had, there were skulls being smashed all over the course, and many racers begging the armed park ranger to put them out of their misery. Well, that is slightly stretching the truth, but only slightly.

The order came down from HQ that two of our soldiers be sent to the front lines of the A-Race to enter into glorious battle. Gino Felino, and also the good Dr. Wesley McLaren, who was making his 2009 Dirt Crit debut. Doctor nearly did not make his debut, instead choosing to be fashionably late. (If fashion were based on one's lack of punctuality, our good Doctor would be Calvin fucking Klein.) Doctor also needed some drivetrain swapping, which I was able to take care of while he proceeded to change and get registered. I soon found out though that something was missing. A crucial part - his quick release skewer. Fortunately, being the Patron Saint of Resourcesfulness that I am, I scavanged a QR skewer from my own race bike. I'm also the Mechanic Monarch, and his last-minute rebuild carried Doctor all the way through the race, and into infamy.

Gino, coming in SECOND in the A Race on his SINGLESPEED, BITCHES! It's actually more like first, when you understand that Chris is pretty much untouchable. (Anyone talked with Pirtle, lately? Perhaps give him some competition?)
Doctor, finishing off any survivors left behind by Gino's blitzkrieg:
An Eastor Bike was spotted on course, as well - with a massive gear that can only be ridden well with muthuh fuckin' Kankle Power:

Next up was the B Race, and it was solely up to me, Casey F. Ryback, to snap wrists in this category. Once I was able to safely attached my rear wheel to my bike again, I ran to the line just in time for the opening sprint through the field. Speaking of, I would like to know what was going on in the head of the guy who nearly took out like 5 people as he recklessly zig-zagged his way through the opening sprint at twice the speed of everyone else, only to "tokyo-drift" through the first corner, one-foot-unclipped style. Didn't even get the hole shot, and *could* have safely passed all those people into whom he risked sliding, on the first open straightaway. Was that a show for the crowd, or his idea of getting to the front? Great tactics during a training race, especially since he's a strong enough rider that he was so far off the front of anyone else, that he wasn't even in sight.

With that opening ridiculousness out of the way, my thoughts turned to destruction, and lots of it. I managed to stay upright the entire time, and only had to dismount at the creek once when people ahead of me popped it into granny to climb out, which then lead to lots of fail. Don't know the official results just yet, but I believe I've cracked the top ten. Baller. It would have been moar baller though had I been able to re-pass Peat, since he passed me while still be able to speak, no problem. I don't remember what he said, but I'm pretty sure it was something like "I'm a huge jerkface that goes super fast even though you wouldn't guess it from looking at me!"
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Former TC Man man, Andy, also making his 2009 Dirt Crit debut:
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Poor bastard:
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1st and 2nd place (thanks laura for the photo)

Seen in the parking lot - Robort's dream van, despite being without "Save Me" windows (thank you Ms. Ryback for that phrase):
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(not pictured: the mind-blowingly sweet colored lights that went along the roof and wheel wells)

My reaction was like this when hearing that Gino had wrist-snapped his way into 2nd place:

See you jerks Sunday.

Backdoor no babies,
-Casey F. Ryback


Anonymous said...

Chris is not untouchable, he is within striking range.

Doctor said...

I would like to point out the high percentage of former TC Man men in these pictures. This confirms two things: TC Man men enjoy dirt crits, and TC Man men are bad ass dudes. Next time I will have to show up in time for the start.

Sandbox/Gino said...

If you mean that Breslin, Chambers, or the rest of those Supa Fast Mofos can beat him then yes I agree.
Or if you are being quite literal and you mean that one must line up next to Chris within a close distance, a striking distance, and knock him down and out before the start of the race, then I also agree.

Jim said...

I don't know what you guys are talking about. My wife thought Robort's bike was the prettiest bike she has ever seen. Pink and green are her favorite colors and that bike is almost as cute as her stationary.

And I agree with Gino re: Chris. Even if some anonymous dork thinks they have his number, Chris could be cockpunched and give everyone a head start (oh wait, he did that), have some mechanicals (had those too), and still most likely win. CP's one of those lucky few with loads of skill and natural talent. We're lucky he's on the race-to-train plan. Would be scary if he actually trained.

I'm out next week for vacation, but will have to step up the game for week 5, or risk having Kankles krush me with his Easter best.