How the Wrench Stole CXmas - By Dr. Casey F. Seuss

Every Crew
down in St. Lou-ville
liked CXmas a lot...

But the Wrench
Who worked at the Hub in Webster Groves...
Did plot!

The Wrench loved CX! The whole CX season!
No need to ask why, I think we all know the reason.
It could be the mud, it could be the cold,
It could be perhaps, that the Pabst is uncontrolled.
But I think that the most likely reason to suffer
may have been that he thinks it makes us so much tougher.

Whatever the reason,
The cold or the mud,
He stood there on CXmas Eve, like a badass stud,
Staring down from the mound with a devious Team Seagal smirk
thinking to himself, "How much harder can I make them work?"
He was talking of course, about the CXmas'ers in their homes,
unbeknownst to them, tomorrow from their mouths would probably come foam.

"We've got presents all wrapped!" as he drank his beer,
"Tomorrow is CXmas, it's practically here!"
Then he burped aloud, with his Superior State of Mind constantly scheming,
"I must find a way to have them screaming!"
For tomorrow he knew...

All the crews on the ground
Would wake up bright and early and rush for the Mound!
And then! Oh the joys! Oh, the boys! toys ploys and Noise!
That's one thing he knew - that our man Jim (Lawman) would bring tons of Noise!

So the Crews, young and old, the first thing they'd do
They'd line up in order - the first with costumes!
There was Santa Boz, The Easter Heine, and T-tocs as a "tree"

That's what the Wrench wanted - lots of CXmas glee!
Oh, and please don't forget 1990's Ned Overend
Both his mustache and technical skillz were hard to comprehend.

They'd do something the Wrench liked most of all!
Every Crew in St. Lou-ville, the tall and the small,
Were sent down the Hamburg, the gravel-a-flinging
They'd ride in a paceline to keep their faces from stinging!

It wouldn't matter what they'd do for the cold would still sting
The more the Wrench thought of the crew-face-sting
The more the Wrench thought, "Driving to checkpoints, I feel like a King!"
"For 53 weeks weeks I've planned up till now!
I must keep CXmas'ers going!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
The Wrench
Got a wonderful, awful idea!

"I know just what they'll do!" the Wrench laughed in time...
"They'll have to grab a gift and then start a climb!"
And he then made it rain, "What a great Wrench-y trick!
"Carrying a gift, they'll look just like St. Nick!"

Unfortunately for most, wrapping gifts takes a lot of time.
And with 132 CXmas'ers, we ran out quickly - now that is a crime!
Good ole' Davey B, he was the first to not get a spokecard
But he did get a gift, thanks to him pedaling hard!

We weren't the only people in the cold that day
As we ran into some hunters, they probably thought we were gay.
They were happy though as we shared some of our loot
Some PBRs in their belly, they thought our Lawman was a hoot!

After the gifts, their wheels pointed up.
For they rode up the Hamburg, where they gift-receiving volunteers said "Sup."
It wouldn't be long before they found a lake and some jerks
The Professor had a surprises, because of these he did smirk:

The menu at Lake 12 called for whiskey and bacon
but it wasn't to be, as the propane was quickly taken
However, Punchor thought ahead, for he would not be shaken.
He had also cupcakes! A fine substitute!
Way more tasty than an East St. Louis prostitute...

But now where was the Wrench you ask? You are most curious.
For he was driving ahead, to keep the CXmas'ers from getting furious.
Making sure they made the correct turn was very important
But despite his best efforts the markings were quite scant.
It wasn't long though before Masson and Casey arrived with Nog!
I don't need to tell you how it made the ride more of a slog...

As the CXmas'ers came though, their ambition grew
3 cups of Nog is how many were put down by Drew!
Once our buddy Todd got wind of this challenge, he consumed 4 egg brews!
Of course it wasn't long before Red Wheel Nick came through
He took one look and slammed 5 as if it were Mountain Dew!

But none of that bullshit compares to the True Champion of Nog
For it was not long before something - someone - emerged from the fog.
Long after the hammerheads had reached the top,
Long after we tired of making jokes about some hunter's fresh plop:
Yes, down the hill rolled none other than Jenkins comma Bob!
If there was anyone that promised epic win, it was certainly this SOB!

It started very innocently, a couple of beverages between buds:
though we soon realized this man was a more than just a stud.It was clear that something drove him beyond a love of holiday drink.
It was a hatred, not love, that drove him to the brink.
He was told that Nick drank 5 then he said with wink,
"No, I'm going to triple it. Fuck him."
With logic like that, made on a whim,
He fought his way through and finished fifteen.
Did I say fifteen? Yes, I said fifteen. And I'm also rhyming fifteen with fifteen.

He left in the same fog through which he came,
However now the fog was mostly in his brain.

He rewards however were not just intrinsic,
for because of his actions he scored some slick tricks!
*courtesy of Mike Bobelak and Polk Audio!

Bob was not the only winner today on that windy lot,
our very own Nic-ward got a hat that was very hard-fought!
He did so on some goofy tires,
however his results do put my loins afire.

There were a select few who ended their race
a top the mound which has never seen movement of this pace!
Devin took top honors, followed by Mitch
It is too easy to rhyme this line using the word "bitch"

What comes up must eventually come down,
something which was no different today on these grounds
Our Wrench though had to be careful because
too many people up top could attract da fuzz.
So it was with that we adjourned to the lot once more
To drink beverages and regale some lore!

What a day in late December this was
CXmas is certainly an event worthy of applause!
My advice to you is to be here next year
'Cause you know that we'll make it rain with moar beer!
And that can always lead to moar holiday cheer.

Unless of course your name is Peat
In which case you make us look weak
by riding your bike to every event you do
and in the process, getting in a century or two!

Thanks to all that came today - it truly blew our minds
I'm going to end this before I actually start speaking in rhyme
Because they call me the Rhyme-nocerous
My rhymes are bottomless...

-Dr. Casey F. Seuss
(Regular Guy)

p.s. *whew*
p.s. see results here!


Chris Wurster said...

Pulitzer Prize for that diddy!!!!

Davey B said...

dude, the pic of me whipping out my junk (because i didn't get a spoke card) and hoff and gino smiling is classic!

really though, you guys are the best and i had a swell time! thanks!

Bob Jenkins said...

It was even better than I thought it would be, and that's saying a lot.

Thanks for everything, you jerks know how to have a good time. These speakers are gonna have my jon-boat blasting some Kid rock like never before.

Casey Ryback said...

In that case, call up Robort and he can rock out to the Kid Rock with you.

Anonymous said...


Doctor said...

You guys are all rockstars. The largest non-race to date. Custom made CXMAS hats off to the (G)wrench.

PS. Will somebody please tell Moob Jerkins and Robort that Kid Rock sucks. Thank you and good day.

t-tocS said...

I must say that this day was one of the best days i have had on a bicycle, also to add, it was one of the drunkest days i have spent on a bicycle.

Names I was called during this glorious NONRACE are (in no order):

Green Man
Christmas Tree
Im sure there was more, but can't remember...

It was such an awesome day with such awesorrmmzzz of people! ! ! I will remember this day forever.

Also, if it wasn't for the existance of chinamen, I may not have survived CXmas, sssooo cold!


F. Taft

Scott said...

Awesome non-race. This was my first non-race, and will not be my last.

The "Disney's cross bikes on ice" was quite the show. Opposite direction high speed high fives and ice dont mix. My hip is black today.


Mrs. "The Masher" said...

Reading of CXMAS, re: the glorious fray
The Grinch's poor heart grew three sizes that day

Congrats on an excellent job of writing in Seussian anapestic tetrameter. You guys rock.

1x1head said...

Nice rhymin and stealin, sorry I missed CXMas. I shant again.

Brian said...

Kick ass event. Way beyond last year in every way but the after party.

I loved riding with the multitudes of newly minted cxmasers. The lack of course markings and abundance of ice made this an epic.

Santa Boz is my hero. Boob Jerkins is my idle. But Gino the Wrench is my role model.

Chris Wurster said...

holy shit, even the chinaman blogs!!!