After thorough inspection our wrist bones have been bent, not snapped.

Greetings good friends. Your old pal, field correspondent Nico Toscani, is here to brief you on our most recent trip to the battlefield, The 2011 Bone Bendor 3/6, An Odyssey in MTB Paradise. Details surrounding this event which occured in Lawrence, KS on April 17, 2011 have been officially de-classified. It is now safe to divulge to you the many truths that took place on that very day.

First off, the trails at Clinton Lake State Park are so badd-ass that Your Author would give them a rating of at least "9" on the Clydesdale Scale. Basically, trail users are dealing with multiple sections of screaming, super-buff singletrack connecting steep goat hills and huge gardens of rock [sometimes containing a tricky switch-back]. Very fun stuff, almost all of it rideable.

Second, it is safe to tell you that your authors' *new* war-wagon is equally badd-ass and would also receive a "9" on said scale. Take a look for yourself, the car is amazing. It has a very spacious roof, there's room for at least 3 SS mountain bikes:

The war wagon is pretty cool but the passengers it carried from St. Louis to Lawrence are even cooler than cool, aka "Ice cold." The guest list in the fancy-ass car during the journey to Clinton Lake included new Team Seagal recruit PFC Orin Boyd, Team Free Awesome's very own Peat "The Beet" Henry, and Your Author. We arrived the evening before the race and set-up camp with a merry group that included some of Columbia, MO's, finest Jerks: Professor Robert Burns and his beautiful wife, Green Beans, race promotion guru Andy Schuette, and noted beard doper Joshua Carroll. Food and drink were shared beside the campfire and the full moon brightly illuminated the path to the woods when one had to squirt (go number one). Before long, the effects of the 300 mile journey from St. Louis became enough to coax us away from the fire and into our tents for the evening.

Waking at the race course on race day pre-registered and ready to crush souls is awesome! The Bone Bendor Promotions Crew needs to be recognized for their superior organization skills because this event went smooooth. Let's take a look at some of the action that took place throughout the day at Clinton Lake State Park as documented the official BBv3 historian Chris Dean:

Orin Boyd...being chased by Brian "The Gun Show" Busken:

Your Author:

Professor Robert Burns:

Senor J. Carroll...powder blue Indy Fab!
OMG Andy Scheutte has one very nice steel Kona 29er

nice fella Christopher j. Ploch:

6hr Solo Crushor Jon Schottler, the fastest fella in the state:

Finally, 6hr SS Solo 2nd place finisher and passenger in Nico's new Car: Peat "The Beet" Henry:

Oh yes it's true, much fun and excellent course conditions were shared by all. Let it be shown that Peat, Your Author, and PFC Orin Boyd each earned top 5 positions in the prestigious 6hr SS Solo class - this is partly to fairly awesome in my new car's opinion. Ewww Weee, we caint wait to have our bones bent again next year. Thanks for stopping by, Nico Toscani signing out. Jerks!


CockPunchor said...

Nicorn, a fantastic report & a fantastically fancy new set of wheels. Your in depth report is providing much needed entertainment as I sit here on teh upper deck of the mega-awesome megabus along with a very, very strange cross-section of America. I have not wished to speak to a Chinese gentleman this badly in years.

Anonymous said...

Charles and I were just talking about how fun that sounds and that we're jotting it down in our calendars for next year!



New East Coast Syndicate said...

Where the hell are the machine gun ports on that assault vehicle?

TOX, that's tah-tocs, or scott backwards said...

Niiiice report Jerkward!

The digital mileage gage on the front dash of new whip is the same that Batman uses in his mobile, also, not mentioned is the Life Saver appliance that comes separate from the car!


Doctor said...

Well done sirs, You have followed your fine moustaches to glory. (I know Peat has a moustache somewhere in there) Your new whip looks strangely like your old one. Gold trim, baller.

PS the Whiskey off-road is coming up this weekend. Jerks.

New East Coast Syndicate said...

More important MFXC is coming up this weekend. Those absent are non jerk jerks.

Casey Ryback said...

Nico is a jerk-ass wad of jerk. I wish I could have been at that fucking race, and let me also say that Charlie is alright.

-CFR, Regular Guy

Burnsey said...

Nice Race F&%*ers! Good to have you jerks on the better side of Missery for a change. Until next time...