Jesus in a boat.
Slashed car tires.
Gasoline-soaked plush sheep.
Drunkenly wandering through the woods.
These are just some of the great mammaries (memories?) I have of this Missouri mountain biking institution, this year, 2013, being the 10th iteration of Burnin' at the Bluff. However, some things in life are, despite our best efforts otherwise, beyond our control. In this case, it's Federally controlled land and recreational areas.
In all the years we've maintained this ridiculous blog, one thing that we've prided ourselves on was the total avoidance to anything political, and instead, focusing on our shared love for all things cycling/80's action movies/huffing fermented sewage. So despite our government's insistence on acting like small children (and not doing their fucking jobs), there won't be any (further) commentary on the matter via this blorg. Because let's face it, we may be losing an official place to hold a bicycle race, but plenty of other people are losing much more.
So all that being said, we may be losing an official place to hold a bicycle race, but we are also GAINING an UNOFFICIAL place to hold a bicycle Non-Race. "But Crotch, you un-inspired turd-licker, what the fuck are you talking about?"
Bootlegger's Burnin' Non-Race
Where: Enough Boat Launch (just a few miles east of Hwy DD on Hwy 32)
When: 9am get your number, 10am start - on Saturday. Same day as actual Burnin' was supposed to be.
Format: TBD, but expect something like 6 or 7 laps, with minimal (if any) categories - men's/women's solo, 3-person open team. THIS IS ALL SUBJECT TO CHANGE, so be ready to learn the deets come Saturday morning.
Course: The Council Bluff Trail.
Camping: primitive, 100' from the trail. Keep fires small and to a minimum.
Do's: come and ride your bike, hang out, and also get mini-van'd
Don't's: forget to bring your own supply of toilet paper and water, shit on the road, camp in the parking lot, block the boat ramp or road, or get offended at the ridiculous bullshit that you will see this weekend
Remember, all the best things come in 10's - fingers, 1/4 mile times, the metric system, Letterman Top Ten Lists, and mountain bike races. Lest we not forget, there are a lot of familiar out-of-town jerks journeying from places far away like New York, Seattle, Prescott AZ, Denver, and more just for this event. So let's make the trip worth their while.
P.S. Something about having typed all that out is inspiring me to journey once again to the top of Mt. Kohler. Wish me luck.