Why You Should Attend Cedar Cross.

Greetings, loyal Team Seagal minions! This is just a friendly reminder from your neighborhood band of merry jerks that the arguably-greatest, most grass-roots ride in the state, Cedar Cross, is on the horizon. "But Crotchy, is there some sort of a sign-up cut-off?"  I have no clue, because I can't go. But I need to make sure that in my abscess (or is that absence?) there are like 500 moar people that do show up to show our boy, the esteemeed Mr. Borb Jorkins (name protected from future internet-search-engine results) the gooey, sticky love that I would normally provide:

I mean, look at those eyes, you can totally trust those eyes:

Those are the eyes of a guy, who doesn't give the awesome gift of a free roof rack to the rider who won, but rather, to the person whose car has the shittiest looking roof rack, in most desperate need of replacement. Or who gifts the frame to the person who finishes last, so that they can have a better bike, in order to do better next time. Or the guy who would have the common courtesy to reciprocate at least a reach-around.

"But Mr. Ryback, I haven't been riding this year at all! In fact, my legs are currently about as useless and without-purpose to me as a helmet visor! What chance do I have of being victorious on such an arduous journey?" The chances are 100%. In fact, just by showing up, your will have achieved victory, because the atmosphere is one of good nature, joviality, and probably some stinky farts (but at least you'll be outside, so they can't linger for long.)

By embarking on this route, you will be even moar certain of higher glory. But you will have to undergo many challenges, such as staring up, from the base of a monstrous gravely climb, and have to deal with the same level of intimidation that a front-row female concert-goer would have had when seeing Led Zeppelin live back in the 70's; just imagine staring up at these pants on stage, and seeing every wrinkly detail of that ridiculous hog:
Nice belt buckle!

In addition to being a superior route full of challenges, it will be a new starting venue full of badassery, comradery, and 100% lacking in douchebaggery - the newly-relocated Red Wheel Bike Shop in Jeff City. And, with Nick and Bob's uniting of their awesome powers for one common goal, does this mean we'll have a 2011 Binder-Brawl Re-match? We can only hope so - but a little encouragement in the form of moonshine may help to ensure it happens. And if so, please have a camera ready, so that your pal Crotch here can enjoy too.

The day may be a day of contrasts - so much pain and suffering on course, all while enjoying huge amounts of superior attitudes and superior states of mind with the people around you. But don't let the bad outweigh the good. Take your hairy pal Crotch, for example - he knows all about contrasts, being a clydesdale singlespeeder who prefers lycra to baggy shorts. That's like being a roadie with hairy legs. Or like being a recumbent rider with carbon soled clipless shoes. Or like being an upper-middle-class bike racer who complains about the cost of their carbon mountain bike wheels. Or like being an straight-edge juggalo with a college degree (or even a high school diploma, for that matter.)  So he knows a thing or two about contrasts, and knows that it isn't *always* a bad thing.

Even though I am unable to attend this year, I am still able to find satisfaction in life with the knowledge that I may have introduced C-Dubs to the concept of shower beers. (You're welcome.) But aside from that, I'll find even moar satisfaction in knowing that boatloads moar people showed up for this year's Cedar Cross after having read this bl0rg. (There isn't really a good feedback loop for that though, so I'll just imagine it.)

Speaking of imagining things, imagine my surprise at seeing the un-altered packaging material used upon unboxing a new tandem bicycle the other day:
I did not alter this in any way - it was the chainguard protector!
"Experiencing" that cardboard trouser snake would have you shitting pancakes for a week!

I'll leave you to think about that photo for a while. More to come...

-Casey F. Ryback

P.S. Here is why you should watch the show "Silicon Valley" right fucking now. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE4LVSESyXc&feature=youtube_gdata