Living to Shred Another Day - Also, We Get a Man on the Inside

Greetings, Uber-gnar-tastic Team Seagal Jerks! We come bearing good news. Yours truly, Crotchward F. Crotchback, Orin Boyd, and our comrade-in-arms B.H. are able to report that Council Bluff, and North Trace (at least up till the big chimney) are in excellent shape. Inspired by the events of last weekend, where our 4-man man-train conquered the Bluff loop and Middlefork all the way out to Wolf Pen Hollow, we decided that it was worth doing once again, but heading out on North Trace instead. Titty especially needed to have some good gnar-time after a less-than-enjoyable experience at last weekend's Ouachita Challenge. Talk about great decisions.

Launching from the paved boat launch, we were immediately transported into a Ozarkian Paradise (sans the crystal meth) once entering into the Bluff trail. Nothing was going to stop us, except for the need for snacks, and a quick rip off my pocket E-balloon - something that has become indispensable on long rides. Hanging a ralphie from the Telleck Connector onto North Trace, we ascended to Hwy DD and then further on past Martin Road where Snurb and I dispensed aids at the OT 100 last year. And THAT is where the terrain got even moar awesome - controlled burn city! Any overgrowth was gone, leaving nothing but a white line of gravelly singletrack goodness unfurled before us. Praise be to Energor, for we transformed into "Prince Shredward the Turd" on each charred descent.

 How ironic that, a controlled burn surrounding a fireplace.

look closely - two of our heroes are visible

what an amazing sign
Never pass up a chance to see a wet beaver in the wild.

Council Bluff snapped my t'aint's wrist, but my superior state of mind was still well intact. From there, we departed for Caledonia BBQ, but were thwarted by a closed sign. Which meant that Dos Primos was next on the list.

Speaking of next on the list, the next ride on the list is Tour of Hermann - a supremely well-run and well-attended event these last two years. We here at Team Seagal HQ have procured a new source of go-fast blood that will be transfused at the base of the first climb each day, but will be completely undetectable due to the extremely high levels of alcohol, butthash, chinamen, and re-circulated intestinal gasses that skew the results of any blood tests.

Who else is coming? Word is that a healthy murder of Seagals will be in attendance, possibly camping friday and saturday night. With the move of the start/finish from The Stone Hill Winery to the Hermann City Park, that guarantees 5 fewer climbs over the course of 5 loops. So there's that. I've made sure that my small ring is in good shape, as it will be the only chainring that gets used this weekend. Yes, feel free to shit all over me and not offer me beer, as I will be riding gears this weekend - the SS CX crusher, the S.S. Major One, in a pretty advanced state of decomposition. My back would be more fucked than Criss Angel's cub scout den if I were to attempt to do big mileage on the SS around Hermann, again. No it isn't for sale, because how else will I hang onto the notion that I can ride SS CX?

I'll actually be using one of these bad mofo's:
...yeah: it's an e-bike, fat bike, and a trike. You absolutely can't not fail miserably on it.

Finally, there is some big news having just come down the pipeline from Team Seagal HQ. After years of trying to infiltrate their ranks, we now have an official member of Team Seagal in the employ of our favorite bicycle company and purveyor of two-wheeled fun - Kona Bikes. Our own Mason Storm, A.K.A. The Tropical Storm, A.K.A. the Ultimate Jerk, A.K.A. Stinky Butt-a-cheekio, A.K.A. The Bearded Salmon Slayer, will be the store manager in the first ever, long-in-the-works Kona Bike Store - a full service shop, owned and operated by Kona Bikes, that sells exclusively Kona Bikes. (And if there is one thing he is good at, that is "service.") Talk about heaven on Earf. This will require a relocation from Seattle to the picturesque little hamlet of Bellingham, which is essentially Kona World HQ.

This is huge news! Some ridiculously awesome things are in the works for sure - just make sure to stay tuned, and more importantly, make sure to offer that jerk a heartfelt congratulations, or at least a heartfelt kick in the nuts next time you see him! Perhaps with enough pressure, we can convince them to open one of those stores here in the StL!

More to come...
-Casey F. Ryback


Kate Geisen said...

See you jerks in Hermann!

cockpunchOr said...

Holy Shit-Storm, Storm! Corn-gratulations indeed. Nicely done and the move to Bellingham is the tits. Good on ya.

The rest of you can get totally fucked in Hermann, as I intend to do the same this weekend in Bentonville at Slaughter Pen. Have a fine mini-vanning....PunchOr

New East Coast Syndicate said...

Are those Kona Ape Hanger bars on that ebike?