Wanted: Beer Spons0r

SWBT (Single White Bike Team) ISO (In Search Of) a LTR with a willing BBM (Badass Beer Manufacturer) to support regional band of misfit cyclists, all in possession of BBC, in their quest to achieve enlightenment* on and off the bike. We are recently coming off of another LTR that, while prosperous and enjoyable, was unfortunately not meant to last.

Traits for successful product representatives/candidates should ideally include things along these lines:

  • ability to handle random, stinky intestinal gasses for an undetermined period of time (like, really stinky)
  • salty mouth
  • immunity to being offended by jokes with topics including, but not limited to: poo, pee, fermentation of poo and pee, getting high off of the gasses resulting from the fermented poo and pee, cartoonishly large boners, gratuitous homo-eroticism, ugly people, semen from yaks, using beards as a drug for performance-enhancing purposes, worship of impressively-large toilets, vaginas filled with sand, pooping in the woods, stories of heinously disgusting saddle sores and blisters
  • willingness to have your product being drank by toothless Ozark hillbillies who don't know the difference between beer and mouthwash (because they don't know what mouthwash is)
  • possession of minimal camping gear
  • will have seen their fair share of nips being blastified
  • being ready to defend our honor at the mention of being called dirty hipsters or triathletes
  • willingness to be called a jerk, as a term of endearment
  • able to translate ancient Chinese scrolls into English
  • patience with laziness and/or lack of organizational skills on our part
  • possession of huge quantities of delicious beers, preferably in cans
  • general/cursory knowledge or appreciation of the great action heroes and their combined body of work (i.e. Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Bronson, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Carl Weathers, Dolph Lungren, Bruce Willis, etc...)
  • willingness to humor us when we make extremely esoteric, dorky jokes about technical bicycle shit 
  • willingness to assist us when being extremely judgemental and making fun of other people and their un-cool, non-trendy bike setups.
  • having been around bikes in some way, shape, or form in the past
  • generosity when it comes to giving out lots of cool product-related schwag

Potential "deal-breaker" traits may include, but are not limited to:
  • possession of any music by Nickelback or Insane Clown Posse
  • having at any point in your life been called a "juggalo/juggalette" or having professed loyalty to "the Fam"
  • having ever attended "The Gathering" or a Nickelback concert
  • concern for your aerodynamics while riding a bicycle
  • having at any point in your life paid for a Michelob Ultra or Bud Select 55
  • being super gross, teh G4yz0rz, or just really goddamned annoying to be around

 Candidates that think they and their company may be a good fit should first GTF, and then stop by the nearest watering hole to buy us a drink.

*Enlightenment, in this context, may be defined as Superior Attitude and Superior State of Mind


Xing Ding, CFO, CTO, Yoga Trainer said...

Dearest Seagal Movie Bike Fun Club,

My name is Xing Ding (I go by nickedname DMX in USA) and wanted to bring attention to our ever-growing product factory manufacturing building process.

Xing-Carbon-Xing is the 18th largest producer of bottled alcohol on mainland China in the Teinjuan province. The company has been heralded as the next big maker of alcohol product lines. X-C-X may be intersted in sponsoring your bike fun club with your manufacturing line of drink.

In our latest bid to sell additional manufactures we have engineered the newest of techologies! A high-tensile load strength carbon can based off the aluminum stock from Coors Miller plant discards from America.

The newest carbon can will be released soon with hookless lip and super wide drinking rim! Just think of the fans you will receive when you offer them X-C-X alcohol product in our own self-produced can. The high modulus carbon features less toxic resin than leading competitor Jhing Drinking Conveyence which is been raided in the last month for poorly produced alcohol causing symtoms such as mild death, maybe blindness.

We use no hydraulic oils in our alcohols, that is sincerest!

With our carbonocan holding our fine drink such as
--Bubble 2x
--Hilton Maxx Dance Floor
--Race Fast Energy Beer
and our top-selling (18th largest remembered?) line
--Gangster Black Life All Grain Malt!!!

Please contact me, DMX, to set up a phone correlation and receive your credit line. This is only to prevent fraud such as bad clubs or press issues.

In turn, you will receive 7500Kg of product line (in carbon can!!!) within 9-14 weeks unless customs slow down process in your WEST Coast. You may mnake arrangement to have railed to closest port for high-axle truck delivery. Provide forklift, however.

Thank you and Xing-Carbon-Xing hopes Seagal fun bike club contacts immediately soon.


Xing Ding (DMX)

Orin Boyd said...

such as "mild" death and maybe blindness!!! ha!

TeamSeagal said...

what the fuck is that all about


Orin Boyd said...

my guess is that Dr and Dubbs teamed up on the ultimate blOrg post funny comment.

fucking awesome whoever it is!

seagal movie bike fun club?!?!
DMX?!?! WHAT!!!

laughing so hard, i'm fucking crying

New East Coast Syndicate said...

You forgot to mention they must endure being served, and not like a pitcher full in a bar

New East Coast Syndicate said...

Personally i was a bit disappointed that the brewmaster did not harvest the high plains of the Gobi desert for the finest strains of Yak semen to enhance the fermentation process.
Oh yeah good to have you back CFR and the gang of jerks commenting. Makes the morning coffee and Mt Kohler summit reading all the moar fun.

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